Barack Obama is Golden, Rush Limbaugh is Screwed -- Predictions for the Year of the Tiger!
By Fatimah Surjani Ortega
Sunday ushers in the Year of Metal Tiger, which sounds like a golf club. That's actually appropriate, because things look auspicious for Tiger Woods -- as long as he can keep his dick in his pants.
Yes, Tiger, this could be your year
Just in time for Chinese New Year, the Voice offers up this celebrity-centered translation of what's in store for all you furry animals. We're basing it on the teachings of none other than the Feng Shui Grand Master himself, Singapore-born Tan Khoon Yong.
Let's start at the beginning, with those of you born in the Year of the Rat (1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008): Your advice for 2010? Pray hard, and pray often.
You have a rough road ahead. Being a rodent, you tend to run and hide from big things. That's not the game plan for this year. You need to find some courage and bluff your way through this year's maze. Only through sheer self-confidence, and, well, assholery are you going to find your way to the cheese. Be brave, be a jerk, stay supremely self-assured, and you won't end up some pussycat's lunch. If people bitch and moan about you, put on earphones and turn up the volume.
Governor, you're screwed
In for a bumpy ride: Ben Affleck, Cameron Diaz, David Duchovny, Samuel L. Jackson, Jude Law, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford
Year of the Ox (1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009)
The future is bright, Barry
Barack Obama, an Ox, won the presidency in the Year of the Rat, which was a very lucky year for him. He took office in his own year, 2009's Year of the Ox, which sounds just perfect, doesn't it? Actually, it predicted disaster: when you meet your own year, Tan Khoon Yong tells us, you challenge the Grand Duke Jupiter God, and although we aren't really sure what that means, it sure doesn't sound good, does it? Well, that's all over with now, and the GOP can really start sweating. Tiger and Ox get along just fine, and Obama should have a monster year. For all you Oxen out there, just keep this in mind: Don't mix work with pleasure. You tend to work too hard, you lose focus, and your health suffers. Find time to chill. And men, treat your wives well and keep your eyes off the cute cows at the office.
Ready for a bull market: Susan Boyle, George Clooney, Mos Def, Heidi Klum, Barack Obama, Meg Ryan
Year of the Tiger (1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998)
Sorry, Tigers, but you're fucked. The Feng Shui masters say you'll be offering up a challenge to Tai Sui, the Grand Duke Jupiter, or God of the Year, and with every freaking thing you do, you'll have to watch your back. This is not a year to take chances, and if things aren't going your way you're going to feel like crap. All the time. But don't lose hope entirely. This is a year to count on yourself, because you won't find help from others. Create your own opportunities through careful, logical planning, and count on your imagination for ideas. Be cautious and wise, and you can give Grand Duke Jupiter -- and everyone else -- the finger.
It's not Rush's year
Who's in deep shit: Tom Cruise, Jenna Jameson, Jay Leno, Rush Limbaugh, Mark Sanchez