Ross Douthat Crap About Iraq and Shakespeare Inspires Questionable Parody

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"The narrative of the Iraq invasion, properly told, resembles a story out of Shakespeare" -- that jackass Ross Douthat, New York Times.

BUSHLET, PRINCE OF A GUY

[The ghost of WMDs flits about the White House]

MARCELLUS
'Tis gone!

HORATIO
It started like a guilty thing
Upon a fearful summons.

BERNARDO
Good enough for me! Let's away to the sitch room!

[The court of KING SADDAM and MOMMA]

MOMMA
You look a mite peaked, George.

BUSHLET
It's Warshinton. The air ain't right or somethin'.

KING SADDAM
Yeah, whatever, outie.

[Exeunt all but BUSHLET]

BUSHLET
Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Know what I mean?

[CHENEY enters, disguis'd, waving the World Trade Towers]

GHOST
Woohh! Mark me, Saddam needs an ass-kickin'.

BUSHLET
My fate cries out. I say kick ass!

[Later, somewhere else]

FACTOTUM
Hans Blix and Whatshisname are here.

BUSHLET
Hiya, fellas.

BLIX
The world's grown honest.

BUSHLET
Yeah, well, we'll see about that. What a piece of shit is man! Haw, just funnin' y'all. Hey, Colin and his pitcher show is here!

[Enter COLINPOWELL and the Players]

Hey, fellers, "The rugged Pyrrhus, he whose sable arms/ Black as his purpose, did the night resemble" [winks broadly] Y'all take my meanin'?

COLINPOWELL
We do, my lord.

BUSHLET
Great. See you at the U.N. [Exeunt PLAYERS.] I'm a rogue and peasant slave, gol-durnit. Well, let's see if we can't catch the conscience of the whatchamacallit, that guy they got there.

[Dumbshow at the U.N. Everyone freaks out.]

BUSHLET
Haw! Frighted with false fire and whatnot! In your face!

WHATSHISNAME
Your momma wants to talk to you,

BUSHLET
Aw shoot.

MOMMA
You have thy father much offended.

BUSHLET
Aw, quit it, Momma, I'm a man grown! I -- hey, who's that?

[Stabs, waterboards, smashes fingers, and dehydrates to death SOME ARAB WHO DIDN'T DO ANYTHING]

Aw shoot, now look! Hey, look at this picture of Poppy. He kinda knew what the score was, right? Don't make me get heavy with you now.

[CHENEY enters waving the body of GB1]

CHENEY
Woooooh! Leave her to heaven!

BUSHLET
Whatever you say, Dick! OK, I'm off to the gym. [Exits]

GB1
I'm not dead, you know.

SUPERNUMERARIES
Huggermugger, huggermugger.

BUSHLET
I'm back, what's up?

KING SADDAM
Surprise!

[They wrassle. BUSHLET kills KING SADDAM.]

BUSHLET
[Dusting off hands] Well, that's that. It ain't braggin' if you can do it. Hmm, don't feel so good. Uh-oh, looks like I done something to my whatchamacallit -- my reputation. Gotta take a lie-down.

[Poll numbers swoon]

The election lights on Obama; he has my sympathy, haw! The rest is silence

[Naps]

ROSSDOUTHAT
Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet prince;
As reams of bullshit sling thee through the rest.


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