The Broadband Plan: F.C.C. Prepares America for the Awesome Future of Cat Videos

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The Internet is Awesome, and not because Al Gore invented it, or because it's given hacks like me a living, while rendering professional craftsmen with regard for tradition, skill, scruples, and form practically useless. No. The Internet is Awesome because it keeps getting faster. And who doesn't like fast things? Not America, said the F.C.C. today in hearings regarding The Future of America's Internet. Take a guess what that future will be like.

If you guessed "really fucking fast" you were correct. There's no mention specifically of what we plan to do with this great new technology revolution in the 376-page National Broadband Plan presented to Congress today, but via Brian Stelter at the New York Times, the implication is certainly there.

The plan also includes a faster-Internet initiative that theoretically would equip 100 million households with 100-megabit-a-second access by the end of this decade. According to comScore, the average subscriber now receives speeds of three to four megabits a second.

By which they mean, in 2020, there will only be cat videos, and you will receive them at the speed of light, and they will go straight to your brain, as if pulling them from a stream or faucet. Like so:

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