Money, Cash, Hoes: NY Daily News Prints How-To Guide for Cheating Athletes

Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger

On a day when most of the world is enamored with fútbol football, a real, testosterone-oozing American football player is here to remind us all of the class and chivalry we expect and admire in our professional athletes. I.M. Anonymous ("Special to the Daily News") is "an NFL veteran" who will "periodically share pro football's deepest secrets." This installment is about getting laid, cheating on your spouse, not getting caught, and other nefarious, casual-sex related athlete cliches. We all saw Any Given Sunday. But, behold:

Directed nominally at Ben Roethlisberger and Tiger Woods, the column not only applies to all professional sports stars, who have to fight off women and their vagina's daily, but really to any man who fancies himself a lothario, but might be a bit bumbling. Just do it more like the NFL bros, bros!

Most NFL guys have women and groupies. We just don't get caught, because we treat our extra women with a certain amount of compassion and humility.

Football, sex, compassion, humility. Also, "Temptation, testosterone, confidence":

It's not that we don't love our wives or our families; we just like being with multiple women.

And, yet, "women want something, too." They always do! They want sex, but also watches and maybe cars. And then, they want to be girlfriends! Women always want that. It could work, except they're whores, he writes:

The girls come from all over the place; we meet them at basketball games, bars, nightclubs, places like that. Most of them would love to stick around and be a girlfriend, but their night lives and their pasts - they've usually been with other athletes - keep us from doing that.

But athletes have faults and double standards. It takes a big man to admit this, and a bigger man to then turn around and render any insights irrelevant with more inane, sexist dribble:

Even then, other issues crop up, because of the infamous double standard players have, that we can have multiple partners but the women cannot. It's supposed to be on the woman to decide if she's going to deal with one player or a few, and we've got to be fine with that, or else be labeled "Captain Save-a-Ho" in the locker room.

And the married ones? They better make sure their wives are the forgiving type. "Maybe we shouldn't have done it in the first place," Anonymous begins to conclude. "Or maybe we should have taken care of our girls a bit better."

In sports culture -- at least at the Daily News -- this is what passes for introspection. But the funniest part is that we hear they're all gay anyway.

(h/t Sports Grid)