The Week We Talked About Sarah Palin's Tits

Heidi Montag has appeared on the reality show The Hills and performed some dance music. She is best known, though, for her various plastic surgeries, including spectacular breast implants, which she has craftily used to retain media attention.

Montag's lifts and load-ins have been covered in national magazines and on TV. Last month she discussed the topic on the Tonight Show; last week Joan Rivers offered her insider perspective on it. It's fair to say that Montag's surgeries are all that's keeping the marginally talented performer in the limelight.

Which brings us to Sarah Palin.

We can't be sure where the rumor that Palin had received breast implants came from. It was first seen at Wonkette, which did a simple "before and after" photo comparison and made the call.

Wonkette, as anyone who's spent five minutes reading it knows, is a comedy site known for having a bit of fun with politics. But rightbloggers are not about fun (at least, not intentionally). They rose to defend the former governor's breasts from charges of augmentation in deadly earnest.

Some took the approach that the best defense is a good offensiveness.

Another Black Conservative suggested that liberals were obsessed with Palin's tits because their own women were fug. "Perhaps in this case it is because the left is not use to female political figures actually having a figure," he wrote. "It is like some unwritten rule for lefty female politicians that they must appear as drab as possible." He illustrated with unflattering photos of Democratic female politicians.

While these leftist women favor "Boyish hair," "No make up," "Drab clothing," and a "Perpetual sour puss," observed ABC, Palin "just doesn't believe she has to suppress her femininity to be effective." In other words, the Democrat women are like Olivia Newton-John at the beginning of Grease, and Palin is like Olivia Newton-John at the end of it. We're surprised Another Black Conservative let the secret out -- don't they know Hollywood is in the socialists' pocket, and will send a squad of hair and make-up artists to redress the balance?

"Sometimes," said Doug Powers, "I think that the left simply forgets that they're not looking at Tina Fey." 'Cuz she's a dog too, get it? If the "leftwing blogosphere is buzzing" about Palin's "bosom enhancement," suggested Nancy Reyes, "presumably they are all thin and undersized above, and are clueless about full figured gals."

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Some rightbloggers, in a more chivalrous mood, declared that Palin's breasts not only were authentic, but gave great pleasure in contemplation thereof.

Jammie Wearing Fool declared "they're all real, baby." "They're Real, and They're Spectacular," said Instapundit. "I'm just saying... Personally, she looks really, really good," stammered Verum Serum.

Former Penthouse editor Gerard Van der Leun claimed he was "currently agnostic on the issue of [google spider on] Sarah Palin, breasts, boobs, tatas, bazooms, balongas, hooters, honkers, tater tots,... [google spider off]" because "I have long since learned not to yearn for those things I cannot see, feel, touch, taste and measure. I am, however, amused by the frothing search on the Left for whether or not Sarah Palin's pair has grown." They're frothing?

TigerHawk took an interesting approach, defending implants in general against the presumed criticism of liberals, who being hippies probably prefer real breasts like a bunch of jerks.

"First, does the left enhance -- and I use the word advisedly -- its appeal among the electorate by suggesting that we ought to ridicule women for getting breast implants?" he asked. "The boobery need no further reminder that the left disdains their sense of aesthetic..."

Apparently we're not the only ones who've heard of Heidi Montag. (TigerHawk helpfully added a link explaining the word "boobery" was Mencken's term for the imbecile American electorate. When you're talking tits, it's actually no drawback to remind the audience that you think they're dumb.)

This salivary option was not available to the female rightbloggers, so a bunch of them yelled about feminism instead.

Sister Toldjah linked the breast rumors to several other media crimes of which Palin is allegedly a victim -- including the famous fake Palin-bikini-rifle picture, which we always thought was an apolitical prank -- and then complained that "far leftists" had mounted these assaults because Palin "doesn't toe the 'females are victims' line."

Sister Toldjah also attacked feminists because they had not rushed to the defense of the millionaire TV commentator ("Where's the widespread 'feminist' outrage? I won't hold my breath"). Feminism, said Cassy Fiano, had been "hijacked by rabid fascist feminists" who, instead of pursuing the legitimate aims of feminism (e.g., defending Sarah Palin), sought "unlimited taxpayer-funded abortions available right up until the moment of birth, universal health care," and other such horrors. (Like Sister Toldjah, Fiano also accused feminists of trying to "instill a victim mentality in women." Irony isn't their strong suit.)

Greta Van Susteren further detailed feminism's sins against Palin: When "Newsweek put a picture of Palin -- a former WOMAN Governor of the biggest state -- on the cover in short shorts," the cowardly "feminists hid under a rock." Also, David Letterman, etc. "Why are the feminists silent?" demanded Van Susteren. "Or are they really not feminists?" (We have to admit that one took us by surprise -- repeatedly attacking feminists, then suggesting that they're not really feminists at all! We bet it's even trippier when you're stoned.)

They were all outdone by Legal Insurrection, which declared that with their "liberal misogyny directed at Sarah Palin," liberal feminists had "Killed and Field Dressed Liberal Feminism," yet somehow reached beyond the grave to spread rumors about Palin's breasts.

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