Project Runway: We've Got Their Number

Last night's Project Runway's eighth season premiere encompassed a seemingly rebellious enthusiasm in the constrictive fashion world: more is...well, not better, if the glacial stride of these 90 minutes were any indication, but somehow worth having. More is just more. Hear that, ye waist-whittling Photoshopping editors and celery-gnawing catwalkers? Project Runway is now an hour and a half, with 17 contestants (up one from the usual harried troops), and it will siphon those extra 30 minutes of L'Oreal Paris advertising gold through a houndstooth-lined funnel of indulgent contestant eccentricity and quickly bubbling friction.

Short version: Project Runway is so very long now, and we're so very tired.

In the (apparently unshared) interest of brevity, a quick guide to steer the unwieldy beast of this season. Because as we all know, even if this show were 400 minutes weekly and sponsored by ads for Kim Jong-il brand pantyhose or whatever, we'd still watch it. C'mon, it's Project Runway.

Project Runway Season 8, Episode 1 Index

Contestants: 17 (up from traditional 16)

Episode length, in minutes: 90 (up from 60)

Contestant described in ominous terms of a bankruptcy-laden ready-to-wear brand: 1 (Tim, in comparison to Heatherette)

Time newly allotted on Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn's Bachelorette-style confessionals against white, seizure-inducing white background: 8 minutes (approximate)

Immediately strange, jarring, twitchy contestants named Casanova: 1 (you're killing me, Smalls)

Age of oldest contestant: 50 (Peach Cobbler Carr)

Number of times we slur, "Those dreadlocks worry me," at screen: 2 (to contestant McKell)

Indications that location of their first meeting, Lincoln Center, is going to work as the new home of Fashion Week: 0 (plaza is near-empty, echoing)

Challenge: 1 (incorporate fellow designers' personal favorite clothes into new look)

Hours for construction: 5 (stroke-inducing)

Contestants who look aghast at concept of handing over wares to competitors: 16

Contestant who offers no discernible human reaction to news: 1 (Casanova - hey, tell us now if you're merely a Dolce and Gabbana cyborg, will ya?)