Rightbloggers Look Back in Anger at the Anti-American World Cup

"It's hard work, politicizing your whole life," read the subhed of Matt Labash's article in the rightwing Weekly Standard. At last, we thought when we saw this, they're going to own up to it! We can stop writing this accursed column -- and, freed of their delusions, conservatives can begin to live a normal life! It's win-win!

Alas, Labash was merely employing P.J. O'Rourke's "He Who Smelt It Dealt It" journalistic method -- that is, acting like an asshole and blaming it on someone else -- to show us that liberals are big dopes as played by Matt Labash. e.g., Labash asks some librarian if she has ever heard anyone request The Nation or Mother Jones. "'Can't say that I have,' she says. 'Wrong,' I say, 'You just did.'" The librarian rolls her eyes. Liberals suck!

The cream of Labash's jest is that he found a book, 538 Ways to Live Work and Play Like a Liberal, which when taken as a hard prescription proves absurd: To be a perfect progressive, one would have to exclusively consume ecologically correct products, worry about goods made in sweatshop economies like that of China (unlike Labash -- "Who wants China practicing capitalism, providing us affordable goods while raising their standard of living?" Slash-sarcasm!), tell one's kids not to use "gay" as a slur, drink Fat Tire beer instead of Coors, and other such foolishness.

No wonder nobody wants to be a liberal or use their stupid corkscrew lightbulbs and warm beer. Surely the conservatives' lot must be easier. They don't care about anything!

But rightwingers do have their own shibboleths and standards. They love oil companies and Sarah Palin, for example, and hate Teddy Roosevelt, Captain America, and Muslims.

And they have their own strong feelings about "culture" -- which, in their usage, is always on a little teeter-totter with the word "war." They are particularly exercised by pop culture, as that is easier and more fun than the other kind, and come up with all sorts of interesting theories about movies, TV shows, and even crap like the Miss USA contest.

If liberals are driven to examine at the labels on their pouches of frozen vegetables, conservatives obsessively inspect, and pass judgment on, the alleged ideological contents of the most innocuous artworks and pastimes.

Take the recently-concluded World Cup matches. While people around the globe were innocently excited by them, conservatives were glumly explaining to one another why soccer was either unAmerican or unAmerican with an explanation.

"Every four years," bitched NewsBusters, the liberal media "strive to bring the good news of 'the beautiful game' to the ignorant American masses." This, they said, is because "the liberal media have always been uncomfortable with 'American exceptionalism'... and they are no happier with America's rejection of soccer than with its rejection of socialism."

By anti-Americanizing our precious sports traditions, said NewsBusters, liberals hoped to return Aztlan to Mexican illegals: "They are confident, as America becomes more Hispanic, the nation will have to give in and adopt the immigrants' game." ¡Gasp! Also, soccer players sometimes pretend to get hurt to draw a penalty, which "runs counter to every impulse in American sports."

Less credulous media outlets began to make fun of this jingoistic nonsense, to which some rightbloggers responded: We're not stupid, you're stupid!

John Hawkins of Right Wing News announced that he didn't give a damn about the World Cup, but hoped Team USA would win it, "because it would be TRULY DELICIOUS to pull off a victory in a sport we don't care about, while the rest of the world is frothing at the mouth over it." (Nice, but we don't understand why he didn't also wish for fireworks, getting the girl, and AC/DC playing "Stiff Upper Lip" at his birthday. We mean, why not?) "What kind of stupid game doesn't let you use your hands?" groused Michael Walsh of Big Journalism.

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