The Top Ten Lines from The NYT Profile of Snooki: A How-To Guide

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While we wait for our expert analyst to weight in on today's Jersey Shore-opened New York Stock Exchange (thus presenting us with the riveting conclusion to today's economic mystery: The Guido Effect on The American Economy), it might be worth revisiting some of the most incredible tidbits from this weekend's brilliant, scathing New York Times profile of America's pre-eminent L'enfant (Guido) Terrible Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, by Cathy Horyn, which is essentially a philosophical How-To manual on the entire Jersey Shore phenomenon. But mostly, Snooki.

10. How To Understand Snooki In The Context of American Celebrities: "The reason she makes me think of Elizabeth Taylor -- quite apart from the unbridgeable divide of talent and beauty -- is that photographs of Ms. Taylor in the 1960s, many of which recently ran in Vanity Fair, confirm a short, busty woman with high hair, big jewelry, garish taste in clothes and a complete indifference to the cyclonic effect that all that produced."

9. How To Talk To Snooki About Literature: "She told me she has read only two books in her life, "Twilight" and "Dear John."

8. How To Hold A Conversation With Snooki: "[It is] little like getting down on your hands and knees with a child. You have to come down to her level, and sometimes you almost think you need to bribe her with a piece of candy to coax her to be more responsive. She is really only responsive to her own immediate needs and desires."

7. How To Rationalize Snooki's Authoritative Presence: "Nicole was also kind of a mean girl in high school. She was the boss of everybody."

6. How To Understand Snooki's Reality, If You're Snooki's Father, Part I: "It's not an act. It's just the way she is."

5. How To Dress Like A Snooki: "Snooki has a way of putting herself together that while in some ways is atrocious, is completely identifiable to her and consistent with her attention-seeking personality."

4. How To Understand Snooki's Reality, If You're Snooki's Father, Part II: "Everyone basically says they can relate to her. I think Nicole's just a likeable person."

3. How To Enjoy Snooki As A Fan or Academic Critic: "As much as Professor Thompson is a fan of the show, 'I certainly wouldn't want to be stuck in an elevator with her,' he said."

2. How To Understand How Snooki Understands Snooki: "'I'm a nut job. And I don't care.' She looked at her father."

1. How To Understand Snooki's Reality, If You're Snooki's Father, Part III: "'I'll say to someone, 'What is it that draws you to my daughter? Be honest.' Because it's very hard for me to see what it is. She don't sing. She don't dance. I don't want to say she don't have talent ...'"

[fkamer@villagevoice.com]

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