Material Hurl: Our Top 10 Issues with Madonna and Lourdes' New Clothing Line

Yesterday, in a maelstrom of glitter and Pixie Stix, Herald Square unveiled Material Girl, their new, tween-oriented in-house fashion line. Their collaborators: Madonna and her daughter, Lourdes. The face of the brand: panda-eyed Gossip Girl actress and the Pretty Reckless singer Taylor Momsen. But even before Voice fashion correspondents Stacey Anderson and Araceli Cruz cast their discerning eyes and credit limits onto Macy's yesterday, Madonna and Co. had an uphill battle already.

Early expert feedback on the line--by which, we mean ours--was grim. Cuts looked alternately cheap and inappropriate for their audience. Prints looked like dull '80s throwbacks. And in person, these fears were entirely realized.

Sound the alarm, and put on a shirt already, girls! You're 15. And get off our lawn.

Ten Woeful Observations About Madonna and Lola's New Clothing Line

1. Having Taylor Momsen as the face of Material Girl reaffirms her as an exemplary role model for young girls who would like to show off their tampon string in a fashionable way, and also learn how to use a vibrator. But of course, so-punk Momsen doesn't care about being a role model.

2. Marketed for tweens, the studded miniskirts (?) and stretch bandeau bra tops (?!?) are clubwear for a demographic of nonexistent club access. Insanely trampy clubwear, at that. Clubwear that would get nice kids expelled, were it misguidedly worn out in daylight.

3. The cost of these slutty looks that could easily be achieved by ripping a miniskirt in half and cutting boy-shorts in the crotch, then wearing them as a top. Regardless, these prices are beyond expensive. What are kids' allowances these days?

4. The line is marketed conceptually as new shapes, meant to be layered. The skimpy cuts suggest the shorn tops and low-rise skirts could be layered upon each other, 15 deep, while still revealing about 60% of the underage wearer's skin.

5. Madonna clearly does not let Lola wear such demeaning and revealing clothing--but hey, whatever sells right?

6. The line has been advertised consistently as "designed" by Madonna and Lola. At yesterday's opening, the DJ explains the collection as "inspired by" the duo. This sort of difference is a bit more than semantics: which is it?

7. The hooker look has never been fashionable, especially not on young girls.

8. Sequined, loose, scalloped crop tops. Our heads asplode.

9. If an accessories line is in the works, as promised: Kids, save your money, connect safety pins together in a long chain, wear this as a necklace, and (of course) buy a dollar rosary for the local street vendor. 'Cause that is so punk rock.

10. The Material Girl collection was sandwiched on the teen floor between Baby Phat (designed by Kimora Lee Simmons), Dereon (designed by Beyonce), Sean John (designed by P. Diddy), and Jessica Simpson (designed by a high-functioning vacuum), and this list is still necessary.