Injustice! Employers Discriminate Against Boozing Job Applicants
There are certain times in our worklife that we imagine boozing might be almost a requirement of our job -- writers are by and large some of the drinkingest people out there, after all; a little whiskey hones our already razor-sharp wits, while only ever-so-slightly decreasing our type speed, accuracy, and ability to stay in our chairs. That's why we're so very disappointed in the American bossing public, who, according to a recent study, are extremely narrow-minded about job applicants who drink.
This is called "imbibing idiot bias," because apparently, bosses who have it are idiots. Actually, it's because bosses think job applicants who drink are "less intelligent and less hireable," and apparently the sight of a potential employee even just maybe holding a beer (for a friend!) causes them to "expect cognitive impairment." (But, duh, if a job applicant is able to hold a beer or, like, do a kegstand, they're obviously fine -- better than fine!)
One experiment in the study, which was conducted by researchers at the University of Michigan and University of Pennsylvania, involved mock, videotaped interviews in which a manager ordered either a Coke or "the house Merlot" and the job seeker also chose one or the other. The middle managers brought in to watch the videos saw the Merlot-drinking job applicants as "less worthy of being hired" and the worst of the worst were the job applicants who persisted in ordering wine after their teetotaling lame-ass interviewer went for soda.
Okay, but there are a few problems with this study:
1.) According to statistics, drinkers are actually among the best-educated, classiest, and most intelligent folks around. Remember the Wordsum chart? We're vocabulary beasts! What employer wouldn't want that?
2.) Drinking red wine (even Merlot) makes you healthy! Doctors, seriously, say a glass or two is good for you. Whereas Coke is obviously bad for you. The New York Department of Health agrees, too! Who's the better worker -- a happy, buzzin' drunk, or an obese soda addict on the wrong side of a sugar high?
3.) Frankly, if your prospective employer is taking you to a joint that offers only Coke or Merlot, you probably don't want that job anyway. Tell him or her to suck it and take up blogging, where you'll be accepted for what you are. And never drink Merlot unless you're in dire straits indeed.
4.) None of this applies at Sterling Cooper. Like, none.