It's National Singles Week. How Not to Get Laid, in 10 Easy Steps
In case you haven't heard, it's National Unmarried & Single Americans Week! The "holiday" was originated by the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio in the 1980s "to celebrate single life and recognize singles and their contributions to society." (Like, presumably, wearing the T-shirt on the right.) Anyway, technically el week o' spinsterism/bachelorhood started Monday, but we all know Friday and Saturday nights are when being unattached really counts. So in honor of the upcoming weekend of embracing your singlehood, allow us to present, simply: The RS How Not to Get Laid List.
This, of course, just tips the iceberg. But you have to start somewhere.
1. Plaster this sign all over your neighborhood.
via EV Grieve
Sign sighted by @MScaduto, who answers, "Maybe because you're the type of girl who posts hundreds of flyers around the East Village." Ooh, snap.
2. Tell people, whether joyfully or depressively, that it's National Unmarried and Single Americans Week. Let's just keep that between us, shall we?
3. Instead of dating, focus on relationship-simulation games.
4. Bandy about singles stats from the Wall Street Journal: "Did you know there are only 88 unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women? Yeah, you're my 89th. Score!"
5. Go on Dr. Phil. Talk about Dr. Phil. Profess a preference for the name "Phil." If, for the love of God, you must "do an autopsy of your past relationships," do it in a cemetery in the dead of night where no one will ever be the wiser. And wear a cloak.
6. Get so drunk you forget your own name. (Actually, this can sometimes work in your favor. Play by ear.)
7. Admit to having, or having ever had, bedbugs.
8. When he/she gives you a rose, beat him/her about the face with it.
9. Make your required community service into a Missed Connection.
10. Show off your really sweet homemade ice pick.
Good luck, kiddos! Any other tips? Please share. We need all the help we can get.