The Top 10 Witches Better Suited for Elected Office than Christine O'Donnell
Footage from 1999 of Delaware's finest anti-masturbation Republican/Tea Party candidate for Senate, Christine O'Donnell, admitting to having "dabbled in Witchcraft" has hit the Internet! It's a sensation, especially for those of us punishment-fetishists who also enjoy masturbating to witches. Here are 10 more witches who'd be better suited for office than Christine O'Donnell, whose own party very well may just pile a bunch of stones on her chest before November to ensure that she still isn't of this persuasion.
10. Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Obviously the Anti-O'Donnell candidate in every possible way: loves to Masturbate, hates God, but also, like O'Donnell, doesn't take kindly to insults (watch that green stuff!) and isn't afraid to hurl them right back at you ("My mother does what in what?"). Not afraid to firmly stand her ground and instead of twisting your arm, will twist her own head in order to get you on her side of things (a trick O'Donnell has yet -- yet -- to pull off). Also, not categorically a witch, but Christine O'Donnell isn't categorically a politician so much as a sociopath, so it works.
9. The Women of Death Becomes Her. Everyone's mom loves this movie, and didn't Jack Nicholson have his way with the entire cast? Who won't vote for that? Also, moms are a big political contingent.
8. Morticia A. Adams Strong matriarchal figure, has to keep her skeezy husband and slutty-if-not-slow children and other bizarre family members (the brother-in-law with the light-bulb fetish, the hand that does everything but masturbate) in check, more often than not. Sound familiar? Gruesome obsession with death will fascinate war-hawks, and pro-necrophilia advocacy will appeal to those who like to rape the 223-year-old piece of paper our country refers to as its foundational brochure until it resembles their views. At the same time, pro-sex advocacy will obviously appeal to the horny liberal in all of us.
7. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Hates blood-suckers (strong on National Defense and Family Values) except for when she falls in love with them (see: George W. Bush and the Saudis) but adored by Musical Theater Students and Comic-Con attendees worldwide (youth demographic, gay demographic, liberal demographic). Fans to this day won't shut the fuck up about her eagerly awaited comeback.
6. The Blair Witch of The Blair Witch Project: Nobody knows anything about her other than the fact that she ate three really annoying kids one summer and made a bunch of money doing it, and if this country loves anything, it's an efficient free-market hyper-capitalist. Also, Kagan-like mystery surrounding her political persuasions has already proven a formidable opponent against Supreme Court confirmation process once this year, which may very well be a decent litmus test for this election season, so all she has to do is hire a decent fundraiser and keep eating annoying film students, and she's basically a shoo-in.