10 NYC Hotels Better Fitted for Charlie Sheen to Do Blow in Than the Plaza
Home Alone 2. North by Northwest. Crocodile Dundee. Arthur. Eloise and her motherfucking Pet Turtle!* New York City's landmark The Plaza Hotel has been home to many famous scenes over its 103-year history. Yet Charlie Sheen has managed to sully it, as it is now also home to the famous scene that is his most recent (yet stunningly mediocre) coke-and-hookers binge. Which is too bad. There are 10 better hotels in New York for Charlie Sheen to do this in. They are:
9. The Standard: Somehow, Charlie Sheen always manages to get caught. So why not make it easy on everyone and put a show on for New Yorkers in the process? Charlie Sheen doing blow with hookers and throwing around pillows in a south-facing room on one of the first five floors of The Standard -- with their utterly transparent floor-to-ceiling windows -- isn't just obvious, it's the best public art this city could have since The Gates came down.
8. The Ritz Carlton, Battery Park: Due to its close proximity to the Financial District, The Ritz in Battery Park is no stranger to hosting people with way too much money to spend on yayo and prostitutes to huff it off of. Also, in the Battery, nobody can hear you go loco on los drogas, or at least less people than one would at, say, the Plaza. It's not exactly an overpopulated part of town. Actually, it's desolate. The only caveat to this is that now anyone within stumbling distance of Ground Zero is now, according to certain Americans, actually at Ground Zero, and Charlie ought to be careful desecrating that sacred ground from that (or any) distance. That said, if he's into it, there's a strip club closer to Ground Zero than the proposed "Ground Zero Mosque." Surely he can find some friends to go get blasted with over there.
7. The Times Square Hilton: This hotel is generally filled to the brim with ridiculous tourists and their ridiculous children who for some reason think staying in Times Square is a good idea. This hotel literally sits right over a subway station and a Broadway theater. Outside of your hotel are some of the brightest, most epilepsy-inducing lights in New York City, and a TOYS R' US, too. After picking up some board games next door, Sheen can likely do as much blow as he pleases with as many women and/or pillows as he wants, while screaming about the "GODDAMN ANTS! ALL OF YOU!" down below him as he watches the Reuters billboard flash away between Twister rounds, because it's the only place in New York where he will not be the biggest shitshow in a square-mile radius.
6. The Ace Hotel: This BoHo haven in NoMad (or: North of Madison Square Park) has an Opening Ceremony boutique right under it. In it, they sell a bunch of Criterion Collection DVDs and perfect-fit clothing for people who are coke-fiend-skinny, so you can dress your coke concubine up in rags of Commes Des Garcons when you're not lecturing her on how Two and a Half Men is actually about Seven Samaurai. It's also positioned as a "rock and roll" hotel, and has a Stumptown Coffee inside of it (for when you need that extra pep between dealer re-ups) that basically makes this place the homiest, coziest coke den in town for Charlie to get Charlie'd.