Rush Limbaugh's grandma's ghastly Jell-O salad and 9 other Studies in Crap to be thankful for

Categories: Studies in Crap
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Each Thursday your Crap Archivist has brought you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap discovered in the thrift stores, estate sales, and antique malls of America.

Today, as we reflect on this nation and its great bounty, let's tip our gravy boats to the one industry that can never be outsourced: our tireless production of the useless, the senseless, and the utterly crappy.

So here's ten slices to be thankful for, straight from the first two and a half years of Crap Archiving.

1. Mrs. Rush H. Limbaugh's "Under the Sea Salad," as seen in the 1977 community cookbook Recipes from old Cape Girardeau.

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One of the most significant finds in the Crap Archives, this trembling nightmare of luminescent puke looks like Nickelodeon slime, tastes like salty-sweet mouth-death, and almost manages to do the impossible: inspire sympathy for ol' Rush Limbaugh, Jr., huckster clod of the A.M. airwaves.

Other Limbaugh recipes in the book included something called "5ive Threes" and the wonderfully descriptive "White Fruit Cake." But it's the Under the Sea Salad that captured the world's imagination.

After I whipped up and taste-tested this tragesty, a Swedish newspaper ran this:

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Translation: "Here we have a Under the Sea Salad of Jell-o, cream cheese and black olives. The creature in the top of the picture is Limbaugh, just before he ate the pie, and turned into a 2 meter tall baby." Nice work, USA-Bloggen!

2. The second-ever Study in Crap, from way back in '08, remains one of the most enduring. In 1968's How to be Happy Though Married, Tim LaHaye -- the creator of Left Behind -- pointed out that women over 22 are past the child-bearing age, crabbed about how bad vaginas smell, and ran several illustrations of the male sex organ.

Some of these he labeled.

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And some he didn't.

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It was Crap-production of this caliber that led to the induction of two additional LaHaye books into the Crap archives. And there's more where that came from! Like a baby crammed with wheat germ, LaHaye just can't stop producing!

3. Since he's a decent enough fellow, your Crap Archivist avoids making fun of most self-published books: most are just simply, un-revealingly bad, and picking on them feels dirty and cruel and low and unfunny.

Like Jaywalking.

Once in a while, though, we luck into a Dangerous Dana or a SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP, works of singular strangeness.

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Best of all is McCallister Ransom's Fuzzy Mules, Pink Slippers Volume One: Came A Clown.

A brick-thick novel of Joycean ambition, Fuzzy Mules purports to tell the story of Faffo the Clown's quest to steal her baby back from a mad and corrupt society. But it's really about word-bursts like this one, which celebrates the moment when Faffo finishes putting on her make up:
"It was, Was, WAs, WAS, PRESTO! FAFFO THE CLOWN! Yeaaa! Voila! Voila Voodoo! Walla! Yea! Walla Walla! Voila Walla! Voila Faffo! Vive la Faffo! Wall of Voodoo, bro. Yea yea yeaa! Wall of Voodoo! Walla Voodoo! Who do? You do. Hindoo him do what him do!"
Here's another:
"All Ryan had, whimper, whimper, whimper, was his God damned stinking name. Ryan and his name! His honor! His dinky fist and his name. We fornicate in the cream of his name! We shit on his name! Ryan! Hey! Over here's your name! Here! Here!"
You can fornicate in the cream of many more Fuzzy Mules quotes here.

NEXT: Ronald Reagan, socialist; how to maximize your reproductive potential; and coloring-book fun with Rambo!

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