Dick Cheney Literally Has No Pulse

cheneyfruit.png
Dick Cheney Eating Fruit
The former Vice President of the United States is now officially the robot he was always accused of being. A feature in the New York Times reveals new details of Dick Cheney's mechanical heart pump, which saved his life when it was installed in July. Skinnier, but still going hunting and looking mean, Cheney even showed the thing off at a party. And while he taught his daughter how to cook Christmas dinner and even saw True Grit ("two thumbs up"), Cheney is not the same as he once was. He's scarier.

It works like this, according to the Times:

With most patients, a power line emerges about waist level and connects to a controller, a minicomputer that plugs into a pair of one-and-a-half-pound, 12-volt batteries. Patients wear a black mesh vest over their clothing that holds the controller and batteries. They usually cannot shower and have to be satisfied with sponge baths.

A little gross, to be sure, but here's the most terrifying part, both because of the health implications and because it is Dick Cheney:

His new mechanical pump -- a partial artificial heart known as a ventricular assist device -- leaves patients without a pulse because it pushes blood continuously instead of mimicking the heart's own beat. Most pulse-less patients feel nothing unusual, but the devices do pose significant risks of infection. They are implanted as a last resort either for permanent use or as a bridge to transplant until a donor heart can be found.

Cheney must now decide whether he wants to pursue a full heart transplant or continue to frighten little children.

After Procedure, Cheney Resumes Old Life [NYT]

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12 comments
Chip
Chip

he had a pulse ?

Jonathan A Bennett
Jonathan A Bennett

God Bless, hope whatever surgery he gets goes fine.

Snakefinger
Snakefinger

Great Jonathan that way he'll be responsible for several million more deaths. You must be joking how fucking naive can some people be ?

ron
ron

lucky for him he doesnt live in arizona where there are real death panels and rationing of health care.

southvalley
southvalley

So we get to pay for this too. Don't they measure a person's health as to whether they would be good candidates for this type of surgery? Cheney's been unhealthy in every way for a while now.Certainly unhealthy for America.wonder where they'll find the heart? Will American be asked to "sacrifice" for this SOB?"Line up on the right, people. Let's check your blood type. NOW!!!"

captainAmerica
captainAmerica

They should take yours, asshole. suck a dick in hell

Buffalo Rude
Buffalo Rude

"And I hope that you dieAnd your death’ll come soonI will follow your casketIn the pale afternoonAnd I’ll watch while you’re loweredDown to your deathbedAnd I’ll stand o’er your grave’Til I’m sure that you’re dead"

Fuck Dick Cheney. Fuck him dead.

captainAmerica
captainAmerica

Fuck you. Fuck your mother. Just like everybody else on the block.

Planet Earth
Planet Earth

Just die already for f*ck's sake. If there is a hell, they have an entire wing roped off for this bastard.

Thomas Mc
Thomas Mc

Cheney died decades ago, Lucifer has been animating his corpse since then.

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