In Defense of Dating in New York City

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One of the most common things to say about the New York City dating scene is that it's abysmally awful, and that the guys suck. How many times have you heard this? We've heard it so many times it's abysmally awful, and it sucks. But the repetitive nature and unoriginality of the claim means it's hardly a surprise that "Millionaire Matchmaker" Patti Stanger is offering up the same old nuggets of "wisdom" since coming from L.A. (where the dating scene, clearly, is amazing, as are the men) to New York to conduct her reality show experiment of horrors on our ground. In a Daily News piece today, she says she's "disappointed to see the terrible state of the dating scene," and that she blames the guys, who are "selfish."

But...hang on a second. We're New Yorkers. We're hardly ever bad at shit, and if we are bad, we're like the best at it. Bunches of us are hot, and interesting, and hot AND interesting, and even if we're not, there are copious bars that stay open until the wee-est of hours to help make us appear at least semi-attractive and make-out-with-able. Tons of us are single into our 30s and even 40s. Nobody's all that judgy about sex, or groping in a bar for a bit, or the occasional bout with incontinence. Some even like it! (There really is a fetishist for everyone.) So what's truly so bad about the New York dating scene?

One excuse people love to give are the numbers. There are so many more single women than men! It's so unfair! But, ladies, can you remember the last time you looked around a bar and thought, THERE ARE NO MEN HERE? Maybe it's just us, but every time we bring ourselves to look up from our glass of wine, there are guys all over the place. (Please, get in touch if you feel differently.)

Anyway, forget about the equality of numbers argument, because that presumes that 1. Equal gender numbers would lead to relationships for all (that simply doesn't happen) and 2. "Good dating" equals "good relationships." These are different things, my friends.

Here's where it gets confusing. Somewhere way back in social history it was decreed that one should date to find a mate. That was, in fact, the PURPOSE of dating. But nowadays, in the big, bad 2010s, you can date for a variety of reasons, many of them far more enjoyable, debatably, than "finding a mate." Dating has lots of purposes.

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You can date for sex, or excitement, or to score free dinners. You can date for "companionship." You can date to climb the status ladder. You can date for free drinks, or taxi rides (don't judge), or a discount at J.Crew. You can date for the experience, in which dates you later define as "unsuccessful" are only so because you didn't continue to date, or go on to marry that person, which is actually a success, if you think about it -- at least most of the time. If you'd succeeded at your very first relationship, where would you be?

You can also just date. That's all many of us want, at least until we decide we want otherwise. And, frankly, at a time when marriage means less and less, dating "unsuccessfully" and/or for fun is both the only way to ensure that if you do get around to getting married you'll be ready for it and, possibly, so tired out from all the fun that you actually want to do it.

This is also why you shouldn't "blame the guys," as Stanger says: "Men in New York are more selfish these days. They want to hold on to their money, and they're in no rush to find a mate."

Again, wait. They're somehow "selfish" because they don't want to give you their money, "settle down" and marry you. But do you want to settle down and marry them? Do you want to hand them your hard-earned Benjamins? And...should you?

Until you know that, hold off on saying the dating scene sucks or that men are selfish. Sure, some of them are. But so are some of the women. And finding out which one you're on a date with only makes the dating scene more interesting.

If we wanted it easy, we'd move to L.A.

[JDoll][@thisisjendoll]


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21 comments
hopefulgirl
hopefulgirl

You opened it.  Good luck. Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they miss you. Something good will happen to you between 1:00 pm and 4:40 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Tonight at midnight they will remember how much they loved you. You will get a shock of a lifetime tomorrow, a good one. If you break the chain you will be cursed with relationship problems for the next 2 years. Karma. If there is someone you loved, or still do, and can't get them out of your mind, re-post this in another city within the next 5 minutes. Its amazing how it works.If you truly miss someone, a past love, and can't seem to get them off your mind....then re-post this titled as " I Truly Do Miss You" Whoever you are missing will surprise you. Don't break this, for tonight at midnight, your true love will realize they love you and something great will happen to you tomorrow. Karma. You will get the shock of your life tomorrow Location: Somewhere  Location: Somewhere it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Sophia Lee
Sophia Lee

Wanna meet NY singles ,you may have a try seekrider.com where is for local biker singles dating.

Lilbsweetz104
Lilbsweetz104

You opened it. Good luck. Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they miss you. Something good will happen to you between 1:00 pm and 4:40 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Tonight at midnight they will remember how much they loved you. You will get a shock of a lifetime tomorrow, a good one. If you break the chain you will be cursed with relationship problems for the next 2 years. Karma. If there is someone you loved, or still do, and can't get them out of your mind, re-post this in another city within the next 5 minutes. Its amazing how it works.If you truly miss someone, a past love, and can't seem to get them off your mind....then re-post this titled as " I Truly Do Miss You" Whoever you are missing will surprise you. Don't break this, for tonight at midnight, your true love will realize they love you and something great will happen to you tomorrow. Karma. You will get the shock of your life tomorrow Location: Somewhere Location: Somewhere it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

chocolate dessert recipe
chocolate dessert recipe

I had seen this a few months back and sent the link to one of my friends. Thanks for reminding me I have to ask him if he gave it a shot. 

Tahlia Bailey
Tahlia Bailey

I am sorry but unless you are a monk or something; being single for too long will just take a toll on your mind, body and soul. The dating scene here is just tiresome. Too many lonely people searching for something that just isn't there. You can only screw around with so many people before realizing how empty and lonely you feel when you don't have someone to go home to. I don't mean that you should find someone to be with just for the sake of not being alone; but as you get older you realize that the single life is just meaningless. It's cute when you are still young and having fun; but over time it just gets really old unfulfillng. I have seen way too many old people who never married and never had anyone; and trust me, it's really a sad thing to see. I am not saying that people necessarily need to be married; but at some point in your life when you decide to grow up you want to have that someone that you can rely on and confide in. I guess that's what it is, people here think they are still 22 and are living in a dream world. That's why there are so many singles still here.

Skye Zeng
Skye Zeng

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Local Swingers
Local Swingers

This is my first time here i found your article very intriguing

Katia Bazilevsky
Katia Bazilevsky

Actually, according to the Catalog of human population the most compatible people or soulmates are those who have their birthday on the exact same date. People with birthday on the same date are completely the same!

PrissyPatriot®
PrissyPatriot®

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. ~Katharine Hepburn

Jen Doll
Jen Doll

Tom, I would like to hear your strategy. Point being, I don't think people should jump to get married for the sake of getting married, but should experience things before hand. The "tired" part, well, that's a bit tongue in cheek.

Tom
Tom

"And, frankly, at a time when marriage means less and less, dating "unsuccessfully" and/or for fun is both the only way to ensure that if you do get around to getting married you'll be ready for it and, possibly, so tired out from all the fun that you actually want to do it."

Women, so tired out form all the dating fun that they're fully ready to get married?

Great stategy if you want to marry a loser.

J.R. Pacicca
J.R. Pacicca

I agree with Mr. London, get over the pleasing yet fantastically imaginary Carrie Bradshaw, loosen up, relax, and enjoy the experience.

Christopher London, Esq.
Christopher London, Esq.

I have far more faith in the advice given by Sidney Biddle Barrows, the Mayflower Madam, than any nuggets of LA LA LAnd Wisdom proffered by the Patti "the Russian Hooker" of Millionaire matchmaking. Men of means in New York City have perhaps been holding on to their wallets since Sex and the City gave every bratty/Jappy Carrie Bradshaw wannabe hopeful the illusion that she was so 'SJP' (Sarah Jessica Parker) and that there was a Mr. Big ready to buy a never ending supply Manolo's for every fashionable drama queen that landed in the metropolis and knew how to order a freaking Cosmo while rolling her fingers through her Bumble & Bumble hairstyle before being whisked away away in his chauffeur driven Maybach to the Hamptons. Patti Stanger is posing as the messiah for the vapid material consumerist classes of folks who rarely engage in meaningful instrospection about the state of their own romantic lives.

Richpassion
Richpassion

Hi, if you are want to live the millionaire lifestyle, you may try Richpassion.com. It's where for dating a millionaire.

mattmaison
mattmaison

I really enjoyed this article. Especially the "But...hang on a second..." paragraph. Good stuff. Thanks.

Theo
Theo

I would be more inclined to believe this than the old "there aren't enough men!" saw. If you're meeting lots of people, seeing them for one or two dates, and then (possibly after sex) not returning their calls, the problem is *not* that there aren't enough members of the opposite sex! The problem is that you don't like any of them very much--which is totally fine, but at the very least you should take accountability for yourself instead of trying to blame it on men/women.

Sophia Lee
Sophia Lee

Wanna meet NY singles ,you may have a try seekrider.com where is for local biker singles dating. 

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