You May Not Be a Virgo After All, and Other Ways the Stars Lied

No you're not.

This is horribly upsetting to some of us, and therefore we'll just come out with it, kind of like ripping off a Band-Aid, but then finding out it was actually not a Band-Aid at all but simply a piece of tape that somehow got stuck to your leg. Your Zodiac sign -- that thing you've believed in and set your life to, that scientific-astrological insight that you rely on to explain why you've chosen a path of self-destruction or obsessively anal-retentive compulsions or grand-standing attention-whoredom -- MAY BE ALL WRONG.

Fuck.

According to the Minnesota Planetarium Society, who we now hate, because why would they do this to us? the moon's gravitational pull has made the Earth "wobble" around its axis, which means your star sign is something like a month off.

Via the Star Tribune,

"When [astrologers] say that the sun is in Pisces, it's really not in Pisces," said Parke Kunkle, a board member of the Minnesota Planetarium Society.

Instead, here's where you fall.

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17. [This is new* and we're sorry if this is your birthday, because it's clearly the shittiest sign now (hooray for you, Aquarius!) so...good luck with THAT in bars.]
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

People are freaking out with how to deal with this. It's like thinking your hair was naturally blonde when really your pageant-mom has dyed it since you were three. It's like finding out, unexpectedly, that your birth name was Boris. It's like realizing that something that never really mattered anyway doesn't matter even more. Which is heartbreaking, really.

Yet, astronomer Susan Miller called the news "ridiculous" in an interview with ABC News, which reports, calmly and coolly, that your astrological sign has not changed. What's changed is the tilt of the earth's axis.

So, what should you do? We say ignore it. The best astrological sign is Pisces, anyway. Be that.

*Are you now Ophiuchus? Here are some things about you. (You like plaid!)

[via Gawker]