Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God
Look, I totally understand the modern hankering for the handmade and the pre-industiral, for children's toys that look like they might have been crafted by elves in a workshop rather than shat out of one of those Mattel's Chinese lead-and-woe factories.
But good Lord in heaven, that's no excuse for the horrors of How to Make Soft Toys & Dolls. What is the appropriate age for furry prisoner-rendition cosplay?
And it's no excuse for this Thanksgiving nightmare from the same book:
Yes, an uncooked turkey claimed the heads of those who would have eaten it.
Also out of the oven: This Corpseybread Cookie comes stitched with a memento of each person you have wronged in your life.
Weirder still is this wolf-crotched Red Riding Hood doll. Perhaps it was designed to teach girls about that time when their bodies start to change.
That one deserves a second look. Hitch up Red's skirts to reveal the great truth of American woman: there's nothing wrong with being both wolf and grandma.
How to Make Soft Toys & Dolls also offers:
Hallucination Bunny . . .
A clown you must defeat in combat . . .
. . . and that one memory of your father you thought you had suppressed.
"Nude 70s Rob Reiner Reclining Upon a Sacrificial Altar" is made out of pantyhose, incidentally.
ALSO: I AM NOT MAKING THIS BOOK UP.
Here's the actual cover:
NEXT: Madness from A Soft Touch for Macrame and The Big Book of Small Needlework Gifts!