Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God

Categories: Studies in Crap
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Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

Look, I totally understand the modern hankering for the handmade and the pre-industiral, for children's toys that look like they might have been crafted by elves in a workshop rather than shat out of one of those Mattel's Chinese lead-and-woe factories.

But good Lord in heaven, that's no excuse for the horrors of How to Make Soft Toys & Dolls. What is the appropriate age for furry prisoner-rendition cosplay?

And it's no excuse for this Thanksgiving nightmare from the same book:

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Yes, an uncooked turkey claimed the heads of those who would have eaten it.

Also out of the oven: This Corpseybread Cookie comes stitched with a memento of each person you have wronged in your life.

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Weirder still is this wolf-crotched Red Riding Hood doll. Perhaps it was designed to teach girls about that time when their bodies start to change.

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That one deserves a second look. Hitch up Red's skirts to reveal the great truth of American woman: there's nothing wrong with being both wolf and grandma.

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How to Make Soft Toys & Dolls also offers:

Hallucination Bunny . . .

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A clown you must defeat in combat . . .

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. . . and that one memory of your father you thought you had suppressed.

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"Nude 70s Rob Reiner Reclining Upon a Sacrificial Altar" is made out of pantyhose, incidentally.

ALSO: I AM NOT MAKING THIS BOOK UP.

Here's the actual cover:

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NEXT: Madness from A Soft Touch for Macrame and The Big Book of Small Needlework Gifts!

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1 comments
FloppyPeterRules
FloppyPeterRules

Not only was that rabbit trippin' out, he went by the name of "Floppy Peter". Yeah---I'd do drugs, too.

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