NYC Superheroes: How to Not Get Murdered by the Long Island Serial Killer
The New York Initiative, a local chapter of the Worldwide Real Life Superhero Community, describe themselves as a "free public security/community watch/community outreach program" working "to achieve peacekeeping objectives and humanitarian missions." The vigilante crime fighters state that their "primary goal will always be to help those most in need to the highest ethical standards and to maximum effect." They pick projects based on "unfolding events" and now, that means the Long Island serial killer thought to be responsible for the deaths of at least four, but as many as fourteen people already. Four of the identified victims, as well as four dead women found in New Jersey back in 2006, all worked as prostitutes on Craigslist, so the New York Initiative have taken to that site's personals section with tips on how to avoid being next. What the hell, you may be thinking; it gets wackier, but it also makes some sense.
"We are doing this because we feel that law enforcement does not recognize these women as a priority," the group explained in a press release. "We are taking steps to directly aid potential victims in hopes of preventing further murders by the Long Island Killer, as well as offering an ongoing system to prevent further violence against people at risk." That's actually a pretty rational explanation.
To the killer (or killers!) the group has this to say: "You have far overstepped a basic human boundary; you have claimed lives to feed your pitiful base desires. Unfortunately for you, no amount of pity is going to stop us." That sounds slightly nuttier.
But the Initiative's full ad on Craigslist, aimed at escorts, whom the group sees as potential victims, is amusing in its detail. Basically, they're proposing that women take extra precautions when they go on a date, making sure to tell a friend all of the details. If a friend isn't an option, the New York Initiative is volunteering to be every working woman's "personal log book" in an attempt to help keep them safe.
"The Long Island Killer is out there," the ad reads. "He's a scary bastard, and it's starting to seem like he is focusing on you pretty ladies because some people are slower to report you missing, and also because apparently the law doesn't respect your personal choices and that means cops are slower to follow through when it comes to you."
Here's the full ad (sic throughout):
Hello, pretty lady!
I'm writing you on behalf of a group called the New York Initiative (We are not affiliated with law enforcement), and with the hopes that I've created a system that will help keep you safe when you go on dates! You can find our facebook page through Google, as well as Google us with the words New York Press or Superheroes Documentary 2011 to find out what we're about (Craigslist doesn't allow me to post our URL)...yes, we look a little funny, but believe me when I say that we are all quite competent and capable of doing the things we say.
So with that out of the way, let me just get down to business... The Long Island Killer is out there. He's a scary bastard, and it's starting to seem like he is focusing on you pretty ladies because some people are slower to report you missing, and also because apparently the law doesn't respect your personal choices and that means cops are slower to follow through when it comes to you. Well, I'm here to say FUCK THAT. We respect you as human beings, we believe in personal freedoms and think that you're doing something that is absolutely your choice to do.
So rock on, ladies...We are on your side. With that said, we are here to help.
In lieu of this, I have devised two systems that will keep you safe... both law-enforcement free, but one meant specifically for you to do on your own, with a friend, and the other which offers our very distinct and unusual services (free of charge, of course).
OPTION 1: Whenever you have a date, make sure a friend knows the address you're going. Have them write it down in a book made specifically for this purpose, with the times and dates included. If you can, when on the date, text your friend with the address you are at or the general area in case your date takes you somewhere else than he had earlier specified , and let your date know that a friend knows exactly where you'll be if he starts to get "funny".
Give your friend hourly updates on your location so if anything goes wrong, they can send someone to help you faster. We realize that this could alter the mood of your date, but in these crazy times, a pretty lady that's ready is a pretty lady that's alive. If your date watches the news at all, he will understand. Be wary if he doesn't.
OPTION 2.If you absolutely don't have a friend to help you with this, you may use the services of the New York Initiative as your personal log book, as well as your rescue team in the event of an emergency. If you choose to do this, we will provide you with a number to call and a few one-number or one word codes you can say or text to us so that we can contact someone to assist you with a possibly violent date. Another idea is keeping us on speed dial, and if things get weird just call us and let the line open. We'll know what's going on immediately.
We also have other techniques which we can explain to you after confirmation via phone.
We will react quickly and without hesitation every time, using our considerable contacts to the full extent of their reach.
We also want to extend to you our services as the NYI: Namely, practical martial arts training free of charge, as well as improvised weapons training free of charge (i.e. pens, phones, keys)...Add to this basic to advanced survival skills, or pretty much anything else you want to know about that will keep you safe out there.
We care about you. We want you alive, in this world, just like everyone else. Because you're a human being, and you are deserving of love. The NYI loves you, and we're here to bust the asses of any asshole trying to hurt you.
This is just one of the ways we can get the Long Island Killer off the streets, as well as make what you do safer.
Let me say one more time that we won't involve law enforcement unless you are in serious danger. The logs will be kept personal and private, because what do the police need to know about your personal life, right? It's just a date, for cryin' out loud.
Be safe out there, whatever you choose. You are no longer alone.
-Zero and the New York Initiative
P.S. If you have any other ideas that we can help with to keep you safe out there, don't be afraid to ask!