Trophy Apartments Are the New Way to Get Laid, Say Men Who Have Trophy Apartments
Chivalry is not dead! It's just hiding far, far away from the wonderfully uplifting [sarcasm] article in the New York Post today that reminds us how far we've truly come in male-female relations [again, sarcasm]. You see, while you've probably been thinking that you just want to find someone nice, who you're attracted to, who has a job and ideally doesn't live with his parents, and maybe is funny or has something to talk about now and again, you are wrong. Ladies: All you really want is a guy with a nice apartment. That nice apartment will woo you, girl. You will give it up for that nice apartment! (This means we have, essentially, gotten nowhere in male-female relations. At least if this article to be believed. Let's assume, for a moment, that it is.)
The evidence is as such:
From 42-year-old "New York bachelor Jim Norton," who also happens to be a comedian and lives in a Trump building:
"Women see windows -- and skirts come off," he says of his large one-bedroom pad, which also features a state-of-the-art kitchen with stainless-steel appliances.
Of one woman, he explains,
"I gave a horrible [sexual] performance. She walked around the apartment a couple of times before she left -- almost reminding herself that this is why she just put herself through that."
How comedic of him.
Another guy lets his friends borrow his apartment (shades of The Apartment) for rendezvous with ladies while he's away. One a recent trip, one of his pals had sex with a woman every night he stayed there! High-five. Hope the trophy apartment comes with several sets of sheets.
Dolly Lenz of Prudential Douglas Elliman confirms this "trend," explaining that men are "are increasingly buying lavish apartments to woo women" and that "a trophy apartment says you've arrived." (Lest men worry, the writers of the piece explain that women don't even really need anything fancy. Maybe, just, like an elevator, or a really nice toaster, or some windows. Women like windows! And have you seen this awesome can opener?)
This is all because women allegedly want "domesticity," and, perhaps, to date grown-ups who have nice things or at least don't sleep underneath their college comforters next to actual trophies, and -- what? -- who don't talk to newspapers about how they get laid due to their trophy apartments? Of course, that's just some women. Others are surely just as shallow and unappealing and fame-whoring as the men quoted in this piece. May they find one another post-haste. We'll take the dorm comforter guy if he promises never to speak of this article again.