First Comes Loves, Then Comes Gay Marriage (After Societal Pressure), Then... Divorce!

By Joe Coscarelli Mon., Jun. 27 2011 at 10:03 AM

Since late Friday night, much has changed for gay couples who are now free to get married in New York state; may everyone who wants to eat plain pizza and Baskin Robbins while looking "miserable." But seriously, it's a huge step, and as after every bit of forward progress, there's the impatient question to follow: "What's next?" That was the query at New York magazine over the weekend -- "When are you two getting married?" -- in a piece entitled, "For Gay Couples, Now the Pressure's On!" The media pressure is part of it, one woman explained: "[Journalists] want to meet couples who are going to tie the knot as soon as it becomes legal to, which I think is a lot of pressure," she said. "I mean, we've been together for almost four years, but it's still a big decision that I'm not going to make public in an interview." And then the same media turns right back around and wonders aloud -- more than three weeks before marriage is an option -- when the break-ups will start. Sooner rather than later, the divorce lawyers hope!

The New York Times, New York Post and the ABA law journal take identical angles: lawyers licking their lips.

"Other than a divorce attorney, no one goes to a wedding hoping the marriage will fail," said one divorce attorney. "The same issues present themselves with same-sex couples: How do we split assets? What do we do with the children?" he explained. "The law doesn't change merely because you have same-sex partners."

The Post, of course, called it "the gay-marriage gravy train."

"There's a demographic pool that never existed before," said another lawyer, this one to the Times.

And how about some non-scientific broad claims? Coming right up: "A lot of gay couples have been together for a lot longer than straight couples before they get married. They're less likely to get divorced, because they know each other better."

The Post has less faith though, and comes with a vague estimate that "about 21,000 gay and lesbian couples will wed" in the next three years, and current divorce rates say that "1,800 of those marriages will not survive."

The tabloid -- the same one that barely made room on its cover for the marriage quality vote -- describes the impending divorces as "a bonanza." Maybe that this early juncture, just for a second, they could try not to sound so excited.

[jcoscarelli@villagevoice.com / @joecoscarelli]

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NightwingNoVA

Hurrah for gay marriage!

It is about equal choices and societal benefits.

Unfortunately, there are those who are trying to make it about their own wishes for the gay community.

There is neither a “gay lifestyle” nor a “straight lifestyle.” But, there are generational differences in gays’ approach to personal relationships. It is true that this is because of the differences in social environments in which each generation of gays matured. Younger gays tend to have had their gay identity integrated into their family and social lives as they were growing up. They therefore will tend to experience life closer to that of the average teenager and young adult rather than dealing with sexual identity and constantly wanting to satiate forbidden sexual desires. Younger gays tend to be more comfortable with their romantic desires. For them, it is about being a whole person where romantic/sexual impulses take their rightful place as one of the many components of their personalities.

In the end, it is all about choices. If gays want commitment, then they should pursue it. If it makes them happy, they should stick to it. And that is what many gays are saying in their quest for marriage equality, as opposed to having their sexual impulses dominate their interactions with the rest of the world.

Yet, there are some gays who see the gay culture of the past as the rightful and pure culture for the gay community. Culture changes – always, since the beginning of time. As society accepts us more, the less we will rebel and the more we will seek and benefit from committed relationships.

Some gays see the gay community as a force to transform straight society and eliminate what they see (and experienced) as its wrongs. While we may all agree that there are societal injustices, rejecting all that is “straight” is not a good solution; most of what both straight and gay folks want and do in their lives are simply generic human – which cannot be isolated by sexual orientation. Nor should we try to find a uniquely gay way of living because of distasteful experiences with “straight society.” While some of us may have had bad experiences, those are personal and do not necessarily mean that “straight culture” is uniformly bad and needs to be transformed. Together, society will keep addressing its wrongs.

Some want folks to be less “interested in following the rules than being themselves” – meaning to be “gay” instead of trying to integrate and be “straight.” Freedom is one of the greatest rights. That is what all gay men and women should aspire to achieve – to live their lives with the same opportunities as others and to be able to make the same decisions: marriage and commitment being one of them.