An Evil Heat Dome Is Hovering Over America
Guys: This is not normal heat. This is heat of another sort, powerful, malevolent heat that hopes to overtake America in a "claustrophobia-inducing greenhouse of heat and sadness." Seriously, this is a real thing, a 1 million square-mile high-pressure system hanging over most of America. This is why you can't breathe, your contacts are foggy, your sweat is dripping through your clothes, and some guy just looked at you funny when you tried to wipe your face with his T-shirt. Some 141 million people in 32 states are in this heat dome (New Yorkers included). 22 people have died of it in the U.S. as of yesterday. This is not a friendly heat. This is a heat dome.
Not exactly what's happening.
Here is where we would tell you all the ways to beat the heat -- are you wearing loose cotton fabrics and hydrating properly? -- but let's face it, this heat is unbeatable, and beating it would only make a person hotter. Thus, you should stay inside, air conditioning ablast, or go somewhere that has it. All the while, remind yourself that Council Bluffs, Iowa, was 123 degrees on Wednesday. Here in New York City, subway countdown clocks have begun to malfunction, people are walking shirtless in the streets, our faces are very, very sweaty, and we are aggressively yelling "Fuck you" at any air-conditioned vehicle that attempts to cut us off as we plod across the street on a walk sign, thank you very much.
Tomorrow it will be 100 degrees. Just imagine if you lived in the old days! (Like...before there were heat domes?)
Enormous 'heat dome' has caused 22 deaths [The Lookout]