As Rick Perry Stumbles, Rightbloggers Run To (Non-Candidate) Chris Christie

tomt200.jpgThe economy sucks, and so do President Obama's poll numbers. Yet many smart people think Obama's got a chance at reelection next year.

Why? Because he gets to run against the nominee of the Republican Party, which seems hellbent on throwing the election.

In the GOP's latest slapstick routine, putative front-runner Rick Perry has so embarrassed himself that nervous rightbloggers have suddenly revived their dormant romance with New Jersey Governor (and non-candidate) Chris Christie.

For weeks now the kids have been smitten with Rick Perry -- so butch! So willing to kill! -- but his GOP debate performances, in which he resembled a malfunctioning George W. Bush robot, made a bunch of them nervous.

Not that they didn't have doubts to begin with. For one thing, as Governor of Texas Perry tried to vaccinate girls against HPV, which made Michele Bachmann mad at the Tea Party debate a few weeks back, along with a lot of rightbloggers. "Rick Perry's Bad Medicine," cried Michelle Malkin. "Would A Real Conservative Attempt To Forcibly Vaccinate 12 Year Old Girls For A Sexually Transmitted Disease?" asked Conservative Central.

Never mind that HPV is a precursor to cervical cancer -- in the Jesus People's imaginations, vaccination against HPV encourages children to have sex (or, as they call it in the Bible Belt, pre-abortion). This may be why Bruce McQuain told his readers that HPV is a "non-communicable disease." If you have intercourse, it's like you're asking for it!

Perry tied the vaccinations to his "pro-life" beliefs, but National Review's Jonah Goldberg still smelled statism. "It takes some pretty circuitous reasoning to get there," said Goldberg, "and in the process you've conceded the case for pretty much every other kind of health-care intervention by the state up to and including Obamacare." My God, Obamacare -- that's worse than sex!

perrycorndog.jpg
This is the only Rick Perry picture we intend to use, ever.
Also, as Governor of an actual border state, Perry has been obliged to go easy on the Mexican illegals who comprise a large part of his alleged Texas economic miracle; this disturbs anti-illegal-immigrant, and anti-Mexican, Republicans.

Still, Perry fans tried to keep the Lone Star standard aloft. "The short answer is Rick Perry won [the Tea Party debate], but only by default," said Erick Erickson of RedState and CNN. "He had a stellar one hour and fifteen minutes until the full on conservative assault against his HPV decision and immigration decision began.... He locked in his lead, I think."

More to the point, said Erickson, "this is the first debate this election cycle where Mitt Romney did not win." Eyes on the prize!

But there was another GOP debate last week, and there Perry looked so out of it that even many of his rightwing fans couldn't defend him ("Critics used the words 'only occasionally coherent' and 'failure' to describe his speaking"). Even Erickson admitted, "Rick Perry stands on the precipice. He is about to fall off... another performance like last night could push him off the edge..."

Weasel Zippers tried to put as good a face on it as they could: "After getting crushed in a debate by a duplicitous two-faced double-speaking Obama-like RINO," they lengthily headlined, "Rick Perry deftly changes the subject: 'It's not who is the slickest candidate or the smoothest debater that we need to elect.'" But they felt compelled to add, "How do you rehab the proverbial deer stuck in the headlights who is subsequently flattened by the 18 wheeler?"

Things got so bad Herman Cain won a straw poll in Florida. "Excellent news for Cain, who generally shone in Thursday's debate," said RedState's Moe Lane. Once again Herman Cain is the next President of the United States! Well, not really -- but it's not looking so great for Perry either.

Then Christie's name reentered the conversation, and they began to perk up.

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21 comments
Substance McGravitas
Substance McGravitas

The fat, belligerent Christie has been a rightblogger fave since his 2009 election, and claims that he will be "drafted to run for president" [...]

Can he do that?  Wouldn't it be "waddling for president"?

Horatius
Horatius

I guess "Fat Bastard" is the only caricature the Repukes haven't tried to foist on the nation yet. Run Christie, Run. Or waddle. whatever's convenient.

Dstatton
Dstatton

Christie and Obama on the same stage would be visual delight.

laym
laym

It baffles me as to why a candidate who can most easily be described as a "fat fuck from New Jersey" would be such an appealing prospect for some.  Union-bashing goes a long way with some, apparently.

Al Swearengen
Al Swearengen

The trick will be finding a venue with a removable roof so that Christie's helicopter can lower him onto the stage, ala Baron Harkonnen in "Dune".

Roger Ailes
Roger Ailes

J.Rub should have gone for the full goomba: "You throwa da M___ie out, you keepa da taxes low, you stare-a down da Dems on entitlements and get the fuck outta my Goddamn face. Capish?"

As spoken by Chris "Big Pussy" Christie.

zuzu
zuzu

He looks a little more like Bobby Baccala than Big Pussy, though.

GeoX
GeoX

Yeah, but Bobby was the least evil one.

Soflagator
Soflagator

If I can think of this, surely Obama and Christie have.

Obama commercial:

Video of woman asking Christie why he sends his kids to private school with Chrisite telling her "It's none of your business!"

Fade to Christie on Morning Joe.  Scarborough asks him the exact same question and Christie meekly reponds that its about a Christian education [or somethng like that].

Tagline: Whose interestss do you think Christie will support?

McSalmon
McSalmon

Obama does very badly in match ups against unspecified opponents. It's only when a candidate opens their mouth and does anything that the Republicans turn against them for being impure. The obvious solution is to run no one, and when nobody wins, state how it's a triumph of minimalist government. No gaffes at debates, no unpopular positions, just a stock photo on a website for contributions. And nothing will ever get done, which is everything they ever wanted.

Consumer Unit 5012
Consumer Unit 5012

"Reagan Cardboard Stand-up in 2012!"

McSalmon
McSalmon

Exactly! I think there is something to it - have a generic White Guy with a Good Chin and Haircut, have him pose with Real Americans in diners and stuff and take pictures. Then have some b-roll of it for the campaign ads to run on TV while a deeply intoning voice actor claims that GOP Candidate will make you rich, safe and loved. As long as the ads never specifically answer questions or make specific promises to action, the GOP will love him as the benevolent father they never really had. Watch the votes roll in. Election day the whole thing is explained and the Veep candidate, who I shall select as Dick Cheney kept alive in a thrumming tesla coil takes the oath instead. If there isn't a movie in this, I don't know what I'm talking about!

RPorrofatto
RPorrofatto

Should Perry win, I can see the bumper stickers: "Don't blame me. I voted for the duplicitous two-faced double-speaking Obama-like RINO!"

parsec
parsec

No one puts the "puta" in "putative front-runner" like Rick Perry.

ktheintz
ktheintz

Just thinking that the Romney juggernaut is great news for Sarah Palin. As his nomination becomes more and more a certainty, and yet teabagger dissatisfaction with his candidacy persists, she can play this "will she or won't she" game pretty much until the convention.

Andrew
Andrew

Palin could divorce Todd and be a secondary wife for Mitt.  This would tie up the Mormon traditionalist and the loony Palinite votes in one swoop.  As an added bonus, it would also give a little torch of hope for Kathryn Lopez.  There is no possible downside to this. Ignore the haters who tell you there is.

KatWillow
KatWillow

The Repugs are rushing from candidate to candidate like kids rushing to look at the latest Shiny Object. Then, when they get close enough, they see the Shiny Object is actually a stinking turd.  Ooops.

Al Swearengen
Al Swearengen

I almost feel sorry for the Republican candidates for having to put up with their herd of flaky, inflexible ingrate voters.  Almost.

hell's littlest angel
hell's littlest angel

Any truth to the rumor that the estate of Stiv Bators has asked the Perry campaign to stop using "Caught With The Meat In Your Mouth" at his rallies?

Jason Griffin
Jason Griffin

One thing that Perry's (and to a lesser degree, Bachmann's) implosion has shown is that Republicans are keenly aware of Barack Obama's major strength, and want a candidate that will overcome it.  More on my blog at http://www.jasongriffin.net/bl...

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