71 Things to Do While You Wait for Breaking Dawn to Finally Be Out in Theaters
Unless you are a fan of the Twilight saga (and if you're not, what is WRONG with you?), you may not be aware that Breaking Dawn, the finale of the series, in which Bella and Edward actually make a vampire-human baby, will be out in theaters on November 18. This is only part one of the finale, because it was so exciting and sexy that they had to split it in two, much like the vampire and human portions of Baby Cullen-Swan -- otherwise we all would simply expire from the thrill of watching it. Also, we would have to get up at least once to pee because it would be a very long movie, and then we would miss something important, and we hate that. In any case, by serving two separate portions of the film, one now and one later, there is delayed gratification. This is good for everyone, not least, the movie makers, and also is sort of fitting for an entire series about waiting until you are married to have sex with a vampire. (Subtext!)
By our speedy Google calendar calculation, there are now 71 days until Breaking Dawn's official release date. If you know people who know people, you might be able to catch a glimpse sooner, but, for the general public, that's how long you're going to have to wait. It seems interminable, yes, but we are here to help! Here are 71 things to do, one per day, or do them all each and every day, if you see fit, to pass the time until Kristen Stewart and that British bloke with the mop of hair and funny teeth and sparkly skin are emoting on the big screen right in front of you. (OMG.)
70. Do the same with Eclipse.
69. Do not do the same with New Moon. Use it to prop your front door open so your cat, Mr. Fluffers, can get in and out at night without you having to wake up. This will change your life! Also, under cover of moonlight, when you squint your eyes, you can pretend that Mr. Fluffers is Edward Cullen. They have a similar facial structure.
68. Put Twilight, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn under your pillow and try to sleep. You will not be able to. Imagine if your neck were as long as all three books together. What a neck that would be for a vampire to latch onto! Blow your own mind; make an appointment with a chiropractor.
67. Stare at yourself in the mirror. Will you ever have your own vampire love affair? Do not answer. This is a rhetorical question.
66. Fashion a realistic set of vampire teeth out of wine corks and some barbed wire, and practice wearing them around the house, and eventually to a red-carpet event, should you be invited to one.
64. Determine whether you will have to buy the Edward Cullen doll a ticket to see the movie, or if you can sneak him in in your backpack.
63. Determine that the Edward Cullen doll deserves his own ticket. No expense is too great! Also, buy him some shoes. No one should have to go to a movie barefoot.
62. Refer to Yahoo Answers for what sort of shoes Edward Cullen wears.
61. Fashion a realistic Jacob doll. Stage mock fights between it and the Edward Cullen doll. Buy several shirts for the Jacob doll, because they are always ripping off and going missing when he becomes a werewolf. That must be frustrating.
60. Feel terrible when the fights become realistic, and the Jacob doll goes too far in a way that we cannot bring ourselves to discuss. Feel just like Bella must have. Also, slightly aroused.
59. Reattach the head of the Edward Cullen doll. Kiss its cold vampire lips and remember.
58. Throw the Jacob doll out the window. What an asshole.
57. Eat some pizza. You are hungry!
56. Take out the vampire teeth.
55. Drink all the wine in the uncorked bottles you've used for fashioning the vampire teeth. Make sure it is red wine, for the most vampiric effect.
54. Put the teeth back in, lie on the floor, and clutch your Edward Cullen doll to your chest. Whisper "I feel very safe with you," and "Your eyes are a brilliant shade of butterscotch today, darling." (You may lisp a bit. Practice makes perfect!)
53. Consider how the title of Breaking Dawn includes all of the letters for "Edward." Get chills.
52. Watch some Toddlers & Tiaras, or maybe a few episodes of House Hunters, just to take your mind off things for a minute.
51. Go out and collect the Jacob doll. He is only slightly worse for wear. Tell him he's your best friend, but Edward is your TRUE LOVE. There is no other way. Sigh deeply and expressively.
50. Go to work. When your boss asks where you've been, shout "You just don't understand anything!" and storm out. Sneak back in and collect your Edward Cullen doll from your cubicle once you get halfway home and realize you forgot him.
49. Stop at the grocery store for some string cheese. It's great for snacks, and high in protein!
48. Stare moodily out the window and wonder why you didn't have the luck to be sent to live with your father in Forks, Washington, when your mother gallivanted around the Southwest with her new husband. This is like your Sliding Doors moment, except, really, not, considering your parents are still together and live in Michigan.