The Rapture Has Been Rescheduled for Friday
If you'll recall, back in May, May 21 to be exact, and the days that preceded that fateful day (in which nothing actually happened, but that doesn't mean we didn't worry that it would!), some of us were getting a bit worked up about the so-called Rapture. But, of course, it didn't happen -- you're still here reading the Internet, right? -- and Harold Camping, the guy who'd said it would happen, declared it would, even, was somewhat embarrassed, and hid inside for a weekend, and then put on a polo shirt and walked outside into the still-happening world. But! Relax you not, sinners and non-sinners.
If you'll recall, after the first Rapture didn't happen, Camping clarified that May 21 was an "invisible judgment day," which be followed by five months until the actual, final end of the world, which would be October 21. Which is...Friday. You have five-ish days to get your affairs in order. And won't that feel grand on Saturday?
Camping, who suffered a stroke in June (some say due to the pressure of all of this Rapture predicting and the ensuing lack of an apparent Rapture), also said he wouldn't give any more interviews in an interview given after nothing much seemed to happen on the 21st of May. The world had been warned, he said.
Time to stock up on Hurricane water.