Think Different: Rightbloggers Mourn the Death of Noted Conservative Hippie-Hater Steve Jobs

"While not known to be a supporter of the conservative cause," said Tierra Warren of The Heritage Foundation, "Apple Founder Steve Jobs was a living refutation of all the things liberals constantly tell us about our country." How so? "What Jobs and innovators like him... epitomize are the immeasurable qualities that the left somehow finds most abject -- American exceptionalism," she added.

Warren seemed to be saying that Jobs was, like America, exceptional, and liberals find people like that "abject" (which, assuming she consulted a dictionary, would mean liberals considered Jobs downcast in spirit or fortune), so we hoped the statement from Heritage President Edwin J. Feulner to which Warren linked would clarify.

Alas, Feulner disappointed: "The meme of the left is that drudgery and mediocrity is not just our future but probably also our just deserts," he explained, "for being too imperialistic, consumerist, wasteful, patriarchal, or what have you." Also, "consumers bought Apple products not because they were ordered to do so by central planners but because they saw them as magic." If those Occupy Wall Street hippies were in charge, you'd be forced to use clunky Soviet-style iPhones, comrades! And all of them would be bugged! (Not like now.)

Feulner concluded that "Steve Jobs may have given to liberal causes and politicians throughout his life, but his life proved the existence of the American Dream," which meant Jobs the alleged contributor to liberal causes was trying to destroy his own legacy, for some peculiar reason perhaps related to his Buddhism.

At The American Conservative, what Mark Nugent seemed to admire most about Jobs was that he "was unapologetic about the wealth he amassed as he built Apple into the Earth's most valuable company."

But then Nugent, being a paleocon, had to wonder aloud whether Jobs' creations had improved human life spiritually -- after all, Nugent wrote, "Russell Kirk condemned automobiles 'mechanical Jacobins,' and wasn't a big fan of television, either. If the Internet is slowly shifting our brains into a stupider gear, Apple's iDevices and their imitators are only accelerating the process."

There's a dilemma -- Jobs was a capitalist, yet his capitalist products were speeding the intellectual destruction of his capitalist society. Surely no one could have anticipated such a result.

Nugent finally conceded that "Apple has certainly made the gadgets that populate our daily lives far more elegant and useful than they otherwise would be," so if we were going to hell it was in a nicely streamlined handbasket. Take that, hippies!

Milo Yannopoulos called Jobs "The Greatest Conservative Icon of Our Time," even though he was allegedly a "darling of the Left." His reasoning: "some people forget what a old-fashioned family man he was, too," said Yannopoulos, because "he abhorred pornography, for example, making it exceedingly difficult for app developers whose products contained even hints of nudity to make it onto his devices." (For a conservative, Yannopoulos doesn't seem to know too much about brand image.)

Also, Yannopoulos found some guy who claimed Jobs went out shooting animals with him, so he assumed the famous vegetarian Buddhist enjoyed "blood sport." Yannopoulos deduced that Jobs "made idiotic hypocrites out of society's most obnoxious members without even really trying." What a contrarian rascal! We should see his bow-tied head atop a Washington Examiner column presently.

"In the wake of Steve Jobs' passing," said Michael J. Fell of Conservative Daily News, "it's important to remember that when companies like Apple and Microsoft were in their infancy, Ronald Reagan kept government out of the American computer business, while other countries' governments felt compelled to meddle in theirs." He has a point; look at that "Internet" thing the government made -- that was a total catastrophe! Stupid government!

"The lesson of the Steve Jobs story should not be lost on America," concluded Fell, that message being that green energy is communist and futile.

For the Christian conservative perspective, we may go to Crosswalk, which observed that while "Christians can learn from Steve Jobs and even admire many of his gifts and contributions," yet they "must also observe what is missing here... unerring taste, aesthetic achievement, and technological genius will not save the world. Christians know what the world does not -- that the mother tending her child, the farmer planting his crops, the father protecting his family, the couple faithfully living out their marital vows, the factory worker laboring to support his family and the preacher preparing to preach the Word of God are all doing far more important work." See ya in hell, Steve!

Now, those of you who are normal human beings might wonder why anyone would look at the death of a relatively non-political figure -- particularly one whose achievements have touched people of all political persuasions -- and try to make a political advantage of it, particularly with so little evidence to back it up.

The short answer is, rightbloggers are not normal human beings. We have followed them for years, and have seen that they view everything -- movies, wine, football teams, elective surgery, etc. -- through the greasy prism of politics. If a bird sings or a leaf falls, their minds calculate the political consequences of the event, and race to tell the world. It is to us grimly amusing that the truest avatars of the old hippie saying, "The personal is political," turned out to be conservatives.

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