Scientology Sunday Funnies: Merry Christmas 2011!

FreewindsXmasThumb.JPG
"Santa, were you an implant too?"
Scientology doesn't really have a Sunday service. They like to say that they do, because they crave mainstream acceptance. But unless Xenu rested after six days and L. Ron Hubbard just forgot to mention it, there's no reason for Scientologists to treat Sunday any differently than every other day of coursework, detoxes, fundraising, and generally clearing the planet.

So here at the Voice, we've come up with a Scientology Sunday tradition of our own, and we call it Sunday Funnies! Our sources regularly send us Scientology's wacky and tacky fundraising mailers, and each week we choose three of them to gaze upon, hoping that it inspires you to wax eloquent in our comments section. So here we go...


Sure, enjoy your Christmas morning by the tree, or whatever you Christians and Jews and Muslims and Hindus and pagans are doing this morning. But just think, you could have been getting up for some auditing on the Freewinds today!

FreewindsXmasInvite.jpg

...Or even better, instead of shopping for presents, you might have spent the last couple of weekends helping the San Diego Org go through its files to come up with more people to hit up for donations! Think of the fun you missed!

SanDiegoOrgXmas.jpg

We have to hand it to the Dallas Org. They do make it seem like big things are happening there! We'd almost be tempted to go to this party if we didn't expect that we'd get regged for thousands in IAS donations before we could leave to go home...

DallasOrgNYE.jpg

Well, we hope you enjoyed that bit of fun on your holiday morning. After you put the kid's bike together, drop us a line to say hello in the comments section...



Tony Ortega is the editor-in-chief of The Village Voice. Since 1995, he's been writing about Scientology at several publications.

tortega@villagevoice.com | @VoiceTonyO | Facebook: Tony Ortega

Keep up on all of our New York news coverage at this blog, Runnin' Scared


SCIENTOLOGY IN THE VILLAGE VOICE

[All recent stories] | [Top 25 People Crippling Scientology] | [Commenters of the Week] [Thursday 2pm Stats!] | [Scientology vs. South Park] | [This Week Aboard the Apollo]
[Sunday Funnies]

FEATURED INVESTIGATIONS

[Scientology spokesman Tommy Davis secretly recorded discussing "disconnection"]
[Benjamin Ring, LA deputy sheriff, wants you to spend your 401K on Scientology]
[Scientologists: How many of them are there, anyway?]
[Scientology hates clean ice: The "Fair Game" operation that should turn your stomach]
[Scientology hates clean ice, part 2: Another target, and the web as weapon]
[Paulette Cooper, Scientology's original and worst nightmare: a Thanksgiving tribute]

THE TOP 25 PEOPLE CRIPPLING SCIENTOLOGY

1. L. Ron Hubbard | 2. David Miscavige | 3. Marty Rathbun | 4. Tom Cruise | 5. Joe Childs and Tom Tobin | 6. Anonymous | 7. Mark Bunker | 8. Mike Rinder | 9. Jason Beghe | 10. Lisa McPherson | 11. Nick Xenophon | 12. Tommy Davis | 13. Janet Reitman | 14. Tory Christman | 15. Andreas Heldal-Lund | 16. Marc and Claire Headley | 17. Jefferson Hawkins | 18. Amy Scobee | 19. The Squirrel Busters | 20. Trey Parker and Matt Stone | 21. Kendrick Moxon | 22. Jamie DeWolf | 23. Ken Dandar | 24. Dave Touretzky | 25. Xenu

HELD ABOARD THE FREEWINDS: TALES OF THE SEA ORG

[Valeska Paris, held against her will from 1996 to 2007 on Scientology's cruise ship]
[Ramana Dienes-Browning, marriage at 16, sexual interrogation, life in the engine room]
[Melissa Paris, Valeska's sister: forced to marry at 16]

SCIENTOLOGY VS. SOUTH PARK: INVESTIGATION AS RETALIATION

[Scientology targeted South Park's Parker and Stone in an investigation]
[More documents in the South Park probe: instructions to send in a young mole]
[Scientology responds in typical fashion] | [Lloyd Kaufman confirms the probe]
[Mark Ebner also investigated after South Park involvement]
[Mark Chauppetta, private eye, explains what Scientology operatives look for]

MARTY RATHBUN AND THE SIEGE OF SOUTH TEXAS

[Scientology has Rathbun arrested] | [Rathbun and Mark Bunker reveal surprising ties]
In Germany with Ursula Caberta: [Announcing plans] | [Press conference] | [Making news about Tom Cruise, Bill Clinton, and Tony Blair] | [Post-trip interview]
The Squirrel Busters: [Goons with cameras on their heads] | [Rathbun's open letter to neighbors] | [Ingleside on the Bay, Texas rallies to Rathbun's cause] | [Squirrel Buster's claim to be making a "documentary"] | [VIDEO: "On a Boat"] | ["Anna" sent to creep out Monique Rathbun] | [Squirrel Busters go hillbilly] | [A videographer blows the whistle on the goon squad] | [Ed Bryan, OT VIII, shows the power of Scientology's highest levels]

SCIENTOLOGY SPYING AND "FAIR GAME"

[Secret Scientology documents spell out spying operation against Marc Headley]
[Scientology's West U.S. spies list revealed] | [Scientology's enemies list: Are you on it?]
Spy operation against Washington Post writer Richard Leiby: [Part 1] | [Part 2]
[A Scientology spy comes clean: Paulien Lombard's remarkable public confession]
[Scientology advertises for writers in Freedom magazine]
[Accidental leak shows Scientology spy wing plans to "handle" the Voice]
[Lori Hodgson and Disconnection: "No one's going to take my eternity away"]

SCIENTOLOGY AND CELEBRITIES

[Hey, Scientology Celebrity, Here's Your Media Training Checksheet!]
[Tom Cruise and X Factor's Stacy Francis singing together on the Freewinds]
[X Factor's Stacy Francis: Her first husband, Michael Sandlofer, answers abuse claims]
[Tom Cruise and Baby Suri embarrassed by news item, so someone must pay]
["Tom Cruise told me to talk to a bottle"] | [Tom Cruise likes coconut cake] | [Tom Cruise has a sense of humor] | ["Tom Cruise not a kook!"] | [Paulette Cooper on Tom Cruise]
[Paul Haggis, director of Crash, issues an ultimatum, leaves the church]
[Character actor Jason Beghe defects noisily] | [Actor Michael Fairman reveals his "suppressive person" declaration] | [Michael Fairman talks to the Voice]
[Giovanni Ribisi as David Koresh: Scientology-Branch Davidian link makes sense]
[Russell Brand weds ex-Scientologists in wild ceremony] | [Skip Press on Haggis]
[Placido Domingo Jr.: Scientology's retaliation is "scary and pathetic"]
Grant Cardone, NatGeo's "Turnaround King": [Doing Scientology's dirty work?] | [Milton Katselas complained about Cardone's smear job] | [Cardone runs to Huffpo]
[Philip Boyd, Saving Grace actor, rips "the business that is Scientology"]

JANET REITMAN'S INSIDE SCIENTOLOGY

[Our review of Inside Scientology] | [An interview with Janet Reitman] | [A report from Reitman's first book tour appearance] | [At the Half-King: Reitman not afraid]
[Scientology doesn't like Inside Scientology] | [Q&A at Washington Post]
[A roundup of Reitman's print reviews, and why isn't she on television more?]

HUGH URBAN'S THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY

[A review of Urban's scholarly history of the church] | [An interview with Hugh Urban]

EX-SCIENTOLOGISTS SPEAK OUT

["The Money Machine": another blockbuster St. Pete Times investigation]
[Marc Headley: "Tom Cruise told me to talk to a bottle"] | [The Nancy Many interview]
[Sympathy for the Devil: Tory Christman's Story] | [Jeff Hawkins' Counterfeit Dreams]
[86 Million Thin Dimes: The Lawrence Wollersheim Saga] | [Mike Rinder on spying]

OVERSEAS NEWS

[Scientology in Israel: Arson, attempted murder, paranoia -- and a visit by the Voice!]
[Scientology dodges a bullet in Australia] | [Scientology exec Jan Eastgate arrested]
[All hell breaks loose in Israel] | [Scientology sees fundraising gold in the UK riots]
[Aussie former rugby pro Chris Guider calls David Miscavige "toxic" and "violent"]
[Stephen Cox, UK church newbie, pledges 20K pounds] | [Biggi Reichert: A German Lisa McPherson?] | [The Birmingham trove: 7,000 internal e-mails]
[Australian farmer blamed for giving Tom Cruise a bad shrimp, loses her friends, family]

ODD VIDEOS AND ODDER NEWS

[Scientology chillin' with hip hop!] | [The curious career of Scientology rapper Chill EB]
[Chill EB and me: the Voice interviews Scientology's in-house rapper]
[Scientology singalong, "We Stand Tall"] | [Captain Bill Robertson and "Galactic Patrol"]
[Scientology wins a major award!] | [Scientology wants your money: Meet Dede!]
[Birmingham in the House! The "Ideal" dance mix] | [Scientology and the Nation of Islam]
[When Scientology was hip] | [Sad: David Miscavige makes fun of his own fundraisers]
[Freedom magazine parodies The New Yorker. Hilarity ensues.]
[Scientology surf report: Anonymous parties outside the New York "org"]

THE VIEW INSIDE THE BUBBLE

[A scientologist's letter to the Voice and its readers] | [Scientology silent birth]
[Tad Reeves: Scientology might listen to this guy] | [More Tad Reeves and family]
[Scientology never forgets: A heartwarming telemarketing holiday miracle]
[Desperate Scientology fundraising caught on video]

My Voice Nation Help
43 comments
Reasonable_Insanity
Reasonable_Insanity

I thought Scientologists didn't believe in pagan Christian holidays?

Guess I was wrong! Whoops!

koki raki
koki raki

"the year of highest ever exponential expansion"....come on....really?it looks fun to us,but I feel so sorry for them....

Big hello from LRHs Bulgravia.

katebornstein
katebornstein

Merry Christmas, Tony & co-commenters. I've been down with a stomach flu for the last few days, so obviously I'm connected to an SP. Problem is: with so many on this board to choose from--including myself--who do I disconnect from?! That's hard, cuz you're some of the funnest people i know. While I figure out this goals problem mass, I wish you happy holidaze, my evil ones. kiss kiss, SP Kate

JustCallMeMary
JustCallMeMary

No amount of fancy gloss laden promo is going to convince Scientologists that a real party is going to be happening at the org. Gosh, I don't miss those days of perpetual enforced obligation.

JustCallMeMary
JustCallMeMary

Its the old diehards at San Diego Org making it go right to get that backlog in addresso up-to-date. When will it ever end?

I wish all those hard working burnedout staff some semblence of happiness and freedom from scientology this holiday season and may 2012 be the year of the massive staff blow for all.

Sanddancer
Sanddancer

I gotta say, the church continues to surprise me with their hilariously bad promotional materials. All of those promos like something a middle school student would do as part of some homework assignment. "Fastest growing religion", but I guess not a single one of those new members is a graphic artist.

NOTseriously
NOTseriously

HEY! That's an insult to my middle school student!

mjm
mjm

(pre-taped) Hollywood Xmas Parade is on now and Laura McKenzie is w/ the Galaxy Press Golden Era radio show actors I spy Nancy Cartwright and Eddie Deezen...

DeckardCain
DeckardCain

Oh, how sad.  I was hoping that Eddie blew the cult.  I saw him in front of the Glendale Org trying to rope some rubes into the org for personality tests about ten years ago.  I bet he still thinks it will help his career.  

mjm
mjm

"I bet he still thinks it will help his career"

mainly that's what a lot of Co$ attached celebs stay in for. Stacy Francis and Grant Cardone were tweeting each other right after the X-Factor finale (Tony O. should interview her and ask if she's still in or if she's gone back to being a Christian)

mjm
mjm

apparently Stacy spent Xmas at Mr. Cardone's house w/ Ms. Religion of the Week Chaka Khan. if Grant says he can get someone to be rich in a week, why didn't he help Stacy? (lol)

mjm
mjm

and Jim Meskiman.

can anybody do some research on if the cult owns the HWood Xmas Parade?

GarryS
GarryS

It does not OWN the parade. It was disbanded in 2007 for financial reasons, but the LA City Council voted to take it over & finance it with Community Sponsors vs. commercial. The cult's publication branch of LRH books, Author Services dba Galaxy Press is a huge community sponsor of the parade.

This year, I recognized longtime OSA staff walking the route sporting placards hanging from their necks identifying themselves as Parade VIPs. Because they were a Community Sponsor, they had a stage set up in front of their administration building, the HGB, where Lizza Uvizl, a Sea Org member who manages the LRH Gallery manager, was narrating the parade entries for the surrounding crowd.

It is also where a critic was falsely arrested & roughed-up by LAPD officers, at the behest of Scientology guards, before a police sergeant intervened, and ordered the critic to be released.

Strelnikov
Strelnikov

Ah, yes Lisa Uvizl, the lady who slapped a restraining order on to the Angry Gay Pope for showing her an anti-Scn magazine article. That move kept him away from whichever empty LA building Uvizl works in for years, but now the order has run out.

As that thoughtless pinhead Adam Carolla would say, "Good times, good times."

DeckardCain
DeckardCain

Actually it was the LAPD that arrested the protester, not Baca's goons which are the County Sheriffs.  LAPD are city goons that are also deep in the pocket of the cult. 

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

I saw the Y/T video and thought that was total harassment. Baca is definitely in scilons pocket. Everyone needs to see the video and I am pretty sure you'll agree.

Only thing is, I forgot the title of video? I watched it on wwp.

too late, dropped the body
too late, dropped the body

Merry xmas everyone, and thank you Tony for your continuing coverage of $ci. After discovering the latter's sordid underbelly nearly 8 years ago, I have been horrified and filled with glee at each new embarrassing development for $ci since. I'll give a salute to Miscavige's dogs for you, holding hands with our favorite poison dwarf. And a gift to everyone, something that probably everyone knows about already, but Mark Miglio's facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/people...  . Go and say hello, he looks really lonely in his profile picture.

Skwerl King
Skwerl King

Is "unbelievabe tropical island excursion" just slang for "help the crew find a remote location to illegally dump the waste from the ship"?

Have a Merry Christmas everybody!

John P.
John P.

Sometimes, the fine print on these ads yields the most laughs.  Last week, the "lifetime IAS membership for your four-year-old" ad misspelled the name of the religion in the fine print at the bottom as "Scientolgoy."

This week's hilarious fine print: the Dallas Ideal Org New Year's ad says "Programmed in USA."  

WTF???  In all my years as a techno-geek I've never seen any e-mail or Web content labeled "made in USA."  First, producing a JPG file of an ad isn't really "programming," at least not what I (a software engineer for 20+ years) understand the term to mean.  They must not have done "word clearing."  Second, why do I need to know where the "programming" was done?  They put "Made in USA" on manufactured items as a marketing gimmick so that people who are into "Buy American" will justify buying an item over a competitor's potentially more expensive or better quality imported item...  Does the Church really think that "Programmed in the USA" will increase the chances that Scientologists who are also union members that like to "buy American" are now more likely to sign up for the event?  How many Scientologist union member "Buy American" fans can there be out of the handful of Scientology public that remain in the wild?  

Oh... it has been pointed out to me that they might not be talking about the ad being programmed.  Maybe they meant the people in Scientology were programmed in the USA.  I'm suddenly relieved to find that they weren't flown to Mars on DC-8s or hauled off to an extinct volcano to be programmed and get their self-determination crushed.  

Wait... wiser voices are telling me that maybe this "Programmed in USA" is just a tacit admission that the suckers receiving the ad weren't programmed on the Freewinds, the chief programming center, since it never docks in the US...  

Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice.  

bobx
bobx

The fine print I liked was "This Holiday Season aboard the Freewinds will be like none other."  Yeah, I bet it's... um.... different, all right.Hoping Tony and all the commenters have a most entheta Christmas and a suppressive New Year!

Robert Robinson
Robert Robinson

There are no words in any Earthly language that properly express my outrage at " the protectors of the real Christmas tradition".  Obviously, Ron, and The Freewinds staff failed to properly clear the word Christmas.

"The word for Christmas in late Old English is Cristes Maesse, the Mass of Christ."  - The Catholic Encyclopedia

How dare they even use the word.  Ron, at best, said that the actual Christ did not exist, and at worst, I will not even go into.

And let us remember that, as an adult, Christ ran the money changers and vendors out of the Temple.

Tony, thanks for all the hard work that you do year around.  Have a happy holiday with your loved ones.  Let us all, together, make 2012 the year of the SP.

Chocolate Velvet
Chocolate Velvet

Wow! Love that Dallas promo! Everything all sparkly and upward-moving. Just like Scientology!

Chocolate Velvet wishes every one a Soft and Delicious Yuletide, Merry Christmas, Upstat Xenufeast - whatever your thing is. I look forward to more lively discussion, everyone who posts here (even the drones and the trolls) makes this a fascinating forum. May you all find some joy in the day!

Tony Ortega, a special wish of holiday joy for you. This blog is excellent, informative, and positive! May you be surrounded by Love and Light throughout the year...

Shawn
Shawn

Merry Christmas Tony.  Thank you for having the courage to write and expose this evil cult for what it is.  I wish more journalists would grow some balls and expose this money grabbing organization that disguises itself as a church.

Mighty Korgo of Teegeeack
Mighty Korgo of Teegeeack

Some of them may be getting balls for Christmas.

Frolix8
Frolix8

Mysterious space balls have been dropping onto Namibia. A Xenumassday present?

Merry Christmas to all!

mjm
mjm

"Mysterious space balls have been dropping onto Namibia."

It's Brad and Angelina, RUNNN!

guest
guest

I think that Santa is actually working up through lower conditions.

Deanblair06
Deanblair06

I remember when I was on staff at AOLA the CO (Commanding Officer) at the time was Leslie Epstein and she wanted to cancel Christmas.  She did not care for the holiday and I overheard her speaking to some of the reges.

As is usual the CO and her seniors  failed at cancelling Christmas just as they have failed at "Clearing the planet" and "making OTs".

Ron
Ron

"Christmas? Bah, Hub-bug!"

"And Tiny-Tim's stats are down. Order him to report to Ethics!"

Mighty Korgo of Teegeeack
Mighty Korgo of Teegeeack

You might not recognize Korgo as a Jewish name but in fact it is. Today I prepare a Christmas meal for my gentile friends. Seeing your blog is a pleasant break after chopping the yams and before shredding the cabbage.

Thanks for all the intelligent hard work and entertainment over the year Tony. I know it is hard. You have put your reputation, your finances and your body on the line by giving us these blogs. You are a man of courage. My deepest thanks. All the best to you and yours on this day.

By the way, Korgo is actually short for Korgolinski. My grandfather changed it when he landed at Ellis Island (from Mars!).

John P.
John P.

This is a pleasant turn back towards the usual inane and pathetic after last week's Sea Org recruitment ads for kiddies that alternately evoked outrage and disgust when I read them. 

My favorite is the "filing crew" in San Diego as a good break from holiday stress.  That's probably true because it's not like they're exactly drowning in paperwork from all the new recruits ("fresh meat" is their term) who stumble in eager to learn about the World's Fastest Growing Religion(tm). 

Chuck Beatty
Chuck Beatty

Happy holidays, thanks for the great coverage.     

mjm
mjm

Merry Xmas everyone!

here's to more pwnage of Scientology in the new year!

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

Merry Christmas Tony and staff at Village Voice, thanks for a year full of exciting, uplifting (sometimes tearful) and perceptive articles about the cult of $cientology.

I also want to wish all who post on this blog a blessed, peaceful and safe Christmas filled with the joy of love from family and friends.

All of us are so fortunate to have this blog to read and post comments on. Thank you for your brilliant and often funny comments, I look to your lively discussions in the new year.

Warmest regards, SP 'Onage

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

Need to proof read = I look forward to your lively discussions in the new year.

Happy New Year to all! :-)

Radio Paul
Radio Paul

Freewinds looks empty? More staff than public, just like the Org's

MarkStark
MarkStark

It looks empty because the happy OT revelers made themselves invisible, which is one of their powerz.

Ron
Ron

That's why the regs lock arms and block the exits--so that invisible OTs can't slip out without "donating".

candace6
candace6

"We are the protectors of the real Christmas tradition".   The chutzpah of these arrogant bastards never ceases to amaze.  Merry Christmas to all my fellow SP's!

MarkStark
MarkStark

Bring your family and credit cards and enjoy the most theta, OT Christmas and New Year evar. Go exterior on Christmas and visit the implant station on Mars! Share fond memories of before you found out Christ was an implant, a piece of R6.

Every day in Sciloontology is a holiday for giving, to them.

Merry Christmas!

Mimi The Great
Mimi The Great

Merry Christmas! While all the above options seem like a great way to spend some money, I think Ill disappoint Xenu again and buy some amazing shoes!

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