Happy Birthday, Kim Jong-un!
If you're wondering why the trees seem to wave in celebration today and the skies shine with joy, it's because January 8th marks the birthday of the newest dear leader, Kim Jong-un. According to the Telegraph, the exact date of his birth was unknown and had to be discovered through "testimonies from Kenji Fujimoto, a Japanese chef who worked for the Kim family, North Korean defectors and Kim's childhood friends at the Liebefeld school in Bern, Switzerland, where he briefly studied as a teenager." Also, no one is sure if he is 28, 29, or 30 years old. An easy way to find out: Ask dear leader, as he is never wrong.
What do you get the man who has, is, and knows everything? An army? He's got one. A 105-story, completely unoccupied hotel? Got that too. A tie? Doesn't wear 'em.
Kim Jong-un, like his father, is a simple man. He doesn't need your gifts. In North Korea, "there were no special events to mark the youngest Kim's birthday." State TV merely ran a documentary praising him as "the genius among the geniuses" when it comes to military strategy.
For the rest of his special day, he probably just kicked back, opened a beer, shot an 18 at the local golf course, bowled a 300, climbed the highest peak in North Korea unaided, went back in time and directed The Godfather, lost 100 pounds and regained it just to prove he could, ran a 3-minute-mile, and had some friends over for dinner.