Mike Bloomberg Is Out to 'Fix' Our Drinking Problem

You know how our dear Mayor Bloomberg went after our soda-chugging habit, and how, on the occasion, we enjoy delicious trans-fat-full French fries, and how much salt is in our food? He also made us stop smoking in public places, one after the next, and installed giant calorie counts on the menus of various restaurants so that instead of getting the potato skins we order a sad little piece of boiled chicken and poke it around with our fork before going home to bathe in our own tears. Step by step, he has destroyed much that is bad for us in this world, creating a subset of humans so healthy as to be insufferable -- and another subset bent on getting the unhealthy stuff, whatever the cost. He is at it again, and this time, the ante is upped. He wants us to stop drinking so much. Mayor Bloomberg, you are not the boss of us! And we will sneak out if you ground us, we will.

According to a terrifying document obtained by the New York Post, the Health Department's grand plan for a disgustingly healthy New York City involves a move to cut down on city establishments that sell wine, beer, and liquor.

One of the goals listed in the "request for proposal" document to community groups is "reducing alcohol retail outlet (e.g. bar, corner store) density and illegal alcohol," the document states.

Less worrisome is the associated talk of banning liquor ads in the subway, for instance -- that Johnny Walker ad is doing nothing to combat our taste for a nice white wine, right?

Backing this proposed limitation in your access to booze are the various stats that say, for instance, that alcohol-related ER visits have doubled in recent years for underage New Yorkers, and that "one in 10 hospitalizations are booze-related, while one in six adult New Yorkers report heavy drinking." And, sure, yeah -- we won't even dig up those studies that say drinking can be good for you -- we're willing to admit that maybe we didn't need that "TK" glass of wine.

But, as many a parent-child relationship has proved, we need to come to this realization on our own terms, and impose our own limits. Bloomberg, fine, we'll wear our goddamn seatbelt. Don't take away our [grown-up adults! of age!] booze. May the best liquor store win, and the rest go out of business, as nature intended.

Also: Remember Prohibition? Two words for you: Bathtub gin.

Follow Up!: Nevermind, People, Mayor Bloomberg Doesn't Want to Take Away Your Booze

Mayor's plan to limit booze sales [NYP]

[JDoll / @thisisjendoll]

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