Scientology Sunday Funnies: Happiness Coming to a Library Near You!

UncleSamScieno.JPG
Scientology doesn't really have a Sunday service. They like to say that they do, because they crave mainstream acceptance. But unless Xenu rested after six days and L. Ron Hubbard just forgot to mention it, there's no reason for Scientologists to treat Sunday any differently than every other day of coursework, detoxes, fundraising, and generally clearing the planet.

So here at the Voice, we've come up with a Scientology Sunday tradition of our own, and we call it Sunday Funnies! Our sources regularly send us Scientology's wacky and tacky fundraising mailers, and each week we choose three of them to gaze upon, hoping that it inspires you to wax eloquent in our comments section. So here we go...

Up first, a plea to get more copies of Ron's little book of bland propaganda into every library in the country! [I've cut out some stuff in the middle to have it fit here.]

TWTHMailer1.jpg
TWTHMailer2.jpg

Next, yet another sober appeal to join the Sea Org. Is this enough to convince you to give up the next billion years?

SeaOrgMailer.jpg

And finally, more Scientology gloating over its special tax exempt status, which not even members of other religions in America enjoy. Let Uncle Sam help you help yourself!

UncleSamMailer.jpg

And so we begin a new year of Scientology mailer madness. Please, feel free to discuss anything at all in our comments section!


Tony Ortega is the editor-in-chief of The Village Voice. Since 1995, he's been writing about Scientology at several publications.

tortega@villagevoice.com | @VoiceTonyO | Facebook: Tony Ortega

Keep up on all of our New York news coverage at this blog, Runnin' Scared


SCIENTOLOGY IN THE VILLAGE VOICE

[All recent stories] | [What is Scientology?] | [Top 25 People Crippling Scientology]
[Commenters of the Week] | [Thursday 2pm Stats!] | [Scientology vs. South Park]
[This Week Aboard the Apollo] | [Sunday Funnies]

FEATURED INVESTIGATIONS

[Scientology spokesman Tommy Davis secretly recorded discussing "disconnection"]
[Benjamin Ring, LA deputy sheriff, wants you to spend your 401K on Scientology]
[Scientologists: How many of them are there, anyway?]
[Scientology hates clean ice: The "Fair Game" operation that should turn your stomach]
[Scientology hates clean ice, part 2: Another target, and the web as weapon]
[Paulette Cooper, Scientology's original and worst nightmare: a Thanksgiving tribute]

THE TOP 25 PEOPLE CRIPPLING SCIENTOLOGY

1. L. Ron Hubbard | 2. David Miscavige | 3. Marty Rathbun | 4. Tom Cruise | 5. Joe Childs and Tom Tobin | 6. Anonymous | 7. Mark Bunker | 8. Mike Rinder | 9. Jason Beghe | 10. Lisa McPherson | 11. Nick Xenophon | 12. Tommy Davis | 13. Janet Reitman | 14. Tory Christman | 15. Andreas Heldal-Lund | 16. Marc and Claire Headley | 17. Jefferson Hawkins | 18. Amy Scobee | 19. The Squirrel Busters | 20. Trey Parker and Matt Stone | 21. Kendrick Moxon | 22. Jamie DeWolf | 23. Ken Dandar | 24. Dave Touretzky | 25. Xenu

HELD ABOARD THE FREEWINDS: TALES OF THE SEA ORG

[Valeska Paris, held against her will from 1996 to 2007 on Scientology's cruise ship]
[Ramana Dienes-Browning, marriage at 16, sexual interrogation, life in the engine room]
[Melissa Paris, Valeska's sister: forced to marry at 16]

SCIENTOLOGY VS. SOUTH PARK: INVESTIGATION AS RETALIATION

[Scientology targeted South Park's Parker and Stone in an investigation]
[More documents in the South Park probe: instructions to send in a young mole]
[Scientology responds in typical fashion] | [Lloyd Kaufman confirms the probe]
[Mark Ebner also investigated after South Park involvement]
[Mark Chauppetta, private eye, explains what Scientology operatives look for]

MARTY RATHBUN AND THE SIEGE OF SOUTH TEXAS

[Scientology has Rathbun arrested] | [Rathbun and Mark Bunker reveal surprising ties]
In Germany with Ursula Caberta: [Announcing plans] | [Press conference] | [Making news about Tom Cruise, Bill Clinton, and Tony Blair] | [Post-trip interview]
The Squirrel Busters: [Goons with cameras on their heads] | [Rathbun's open letter to neighbors] | [Ingleside on the Bay, Texas rallies to Rathbun's cause] | [Squirrel Buster's claim to be making a "documentary"] | [VIDEO: "On a Boat"] | ["Anna" sent to creep out Monique Rathbun] | [Squirrel Busters go hillbilly] | [A videographer blows the whistle on the goon squad] | [Ed Bryan, OT VIII, shows the power of Scientology's highest levels]

SCIENTOLOGY SPYING AND "FAIR GAME"

[Secret Scientology documents spell out spying operation against Marc Headley]
[Scientology's West U.S. spies list revealed] | [Scientology's enemies list: Are you on it?]
Spy operation against Washington Post writer Richard Leiby: [Part 1] | [Part 2]
[A Scientology spy comes clean: Paulien Lombard's remarkable public confession]
[Scientology advertises for writers in Freedom magazine]
[Accidental leak shows Scientology spy wing plans to "handle" the Voice]
[Lori Hodgson and Disconnection: "No one's going to take my eternity away"]

SCIENTOLOGY AND CELEBRITIES

[Hey, Scientology Celebrity, Here's Your Media Training Checksheet!]
[Tom Cruise and X Factor's Stacy Francis singing together on the Freewinds]
[X Factor's Stacy Francis: Her first husband, Michael Sandlofer, answers abuse claims]
[Tom Cruise and Baby Suri embarrassed by news item, so someone must pay]
["Tom Cruise told me to talk to a bottle"] | [Tom Cruise likes coconut cake] | [Tom Cruise has a sense of humor] | ["Tom Cruise not a kook!"] | [Paulette Cooper on Tom Cruise]
[Paul Haggis, director of Crash, issues an ultimatum, leaves the church]
[Character actor Jason Beghe defects noisily] | [Actor Michael Fairman reveals his "suppressive person" declaration] | [Michael Fairman talks to the Voice]
[Giovanni Ribisi as David Koresh: Scientology-Branch Davidian link makes sense]
[Russell Brand weds ex-Scientologists in wild ceremony] | [Skip Press on Haggis]
[Placido Domingo Jr.: Scientology's retaliation is "scary and pathetic"]
Grant Cardone, NatGeo's "Turnaround King": [Doing Scientology's dirty work?] | [Milton Katselas complained about Cardone's smear job] | [Cardone runs to Huffpo]
[Philip Boyd, Saving Grace actor, rips "the business that is Scientology"]

JANET REITMAN'S INSIDE SCIENTOLOGY

[Our review of Inside Scientology] | [An interview with Janet Reitman] | [A report from Reitman's first book tour appearance] | [At the Half-King: Reitman not afraid]
[Scientology doesn't like Inside Scientology] | [Q&A at Washington Post]
[A roundup of Reitman's print reviews, and why isn't she on television more?]

HUGH URBAN'S THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY

[A review of Urban's scholarly history of the church] | [An interview with Hugh Urban]

EX-SCIENTOLOGISTS SPEAK OUT

["The Money Machine": another blockbuster St. Pete Times investigation]
[Marc Headley: "Tom Cruise told me to talk to a bottle"] | [The Nancy Many interview]
[Sympathy for the Devil: Tory Christman's Story] | [Jeff Hawkins' Counterfeit Dreams]
[86 Million Thin Dimes: The Lawrence Wollersheim Saga] | [Mike Rinder on spying]

OVERSEAS NEWS

[Scientology in Israel: Arson, attempted murder, paranoia -- and a visit by the Voice!]
[Scientology dodges a bullet in Australia] | [Scientology exec Jan Eastgate arrested]
[All hell breaks loose in Israel] | [Scientology sees fundraising gold in the UK riots]
[Aussie former rugby pro Chris Guider calls David Miscavige "toxic" and "violent"]
[Stephen Cox, UK church newbie, pledges 20K pounds] | [Biggi Reichert: A German Lisa McPherson?] | [The Birmingham trove: 7,000 internal e-mails]
[Australian farmer blamed for giving Tom Cruise a bad shrimp, loses her friends, family]

ODD VIDEOS AND ODDER NEWS

[Scientology chillin' with hip hop!] | [The curious career of Scientology rapper Chill EB]
[Chill EB and me: the Voice interviews Scientology's in-house rapper]
[Scientology singalong, "We Stand Tall"] | [Captain Bill Robertson and "Galactic Patrol"]
[Scientology wins a major award!] | [Scientology wants your money: Meet Dede!]
[Birmingham in the House! The "Ideal" dance mix] | [Scientology and the Nation of Islam]
[When Scientology was hip] | [Sad: David Miscavige makes fun of his own fundraisers]
[Freedom magazine parodies The New Yorker. Hilarity ensues.]
[Scientology surf report: Anonymous parties outside the New York "org"]

THE VIEW INSIDE THE BUBBLE

[A scientologist's letter to the Voice and its readers] | [Scientology silent birth]
[Tad Reeves: Scientology might listen to this guy] | [More Tad Reeves and family]
[Scientology never forgets: A heartwarming telemarketing holiday miracle]
[Desperate Scientology fundraising caught on video]



Sponsor Content

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106 comments
Mike
Mike

In May 2010 you published an article about Scientology being raided in Turin, Italy.  Now that case has been dismissed - nothing.

scilonschools
scilonschools

"There are over  1,000,000 schools planetwide  - Representing over 1 billion children!"

Jan Eastgate is going to be very busy then!!! :)

Strelnikov
Strelnikov

I think a lot of people around here are unhappy that the cult isn't collapsing faster; for a "religion" with no state persecution (except in Russia, and that ebbs and flows) I think it's imploding at a decent rate. The Melrose mission went away, San Diego county lost its Applied Scholastics outfits, most of the missions outside of Florida or California either only exist inside the Mission Locator website or they are only open three days a week, three hours a night.

I'm hoping that the crappy present situation will either force one of two solutions: dissident groups form within Scientology and push Miscavage out; or Miscavage is left with nobody to bully because everybody has left. Either way, the "church" that can afford the Freewinds, Big Blue, all those Hollywood buildings - that organization will not be there. Like a snake, Scientology will need to molt off all that crap Miscavage or Hubbard bought, sell services far cheaper, work out of rented houses, ditch the Sea Org, etc. if it wishes to survive.

Peter
Peter

Hey check this out:

Elijah Blue Allman, son of Cher and Gregg Allman, talks to Howard Stern about Scientology. Two Scientologists, Sonny Bono and Tom Cruise, were partners of Cher.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

Frink
Frink

I wonder how they arrived at the crime statistics and Missouri schools ad.  Which schools did they both send the books to, and of those schools, which did regular surveys of crime statistics at their schools?  They don't supply any information on how they collected those statistics.   

I suspect they just asked 2 questions, ignoring the difference between causation and correlation.

DeckardCain
DeckardCain

I'm getting the feeling that a huge shit storm is coming.  Can't say why I sense this, but I have a feeling that Tony is working on something big.

mjm
mjm

just read on the OCMB message boards that Laura Prepon might be done w/ Scientology. even though her name appeared on the Supah Powah donors list (although that was a list of Co$ donors who donated $$$ up to 2010-11). she dated Chris Masterson in the past (brother of her That 70's Show costar Danny Masterson)

GladysKravitz
GladysKravitz

I found TWTH is in one of my county's library branches.

This is a snippet from the library's description. The irony is killing me!

Love and help children -- Honor and help your parents -- Set a good example -- Seek to live with the truth -- Do not murder -- Don't do anything illegal -- Support a government -- Do not harm a person of good will -- Do not steal -- Be worthy of trust -- Fulfill your obligations -- Respect the religious beliefs of others -- Try not to do things to others

mjm
mjm

anybody been reading Chill EB's Facebook, he's saying he wants to declare war on Tony Ortega calling him "phoney, laughing stock of journalism. king of the phantom interview. the village idiot. editor in grief." if this is what the cult has to offer as a celeb, than I'm chopped liver.

nice try at fair gaming, Misscavige.

do Scientologist celebs have access to anti-cult sites unlike regular members?

Frolix8
Frolix8

MemoRe: Missouri School System and The Way to HappinessTo: David MiscaviageFrom: Mark Twain-----------------------------

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

Uncle Tom wants you to learn how to rip-off your government.

What so called church sends out booklets on how to squeeze every penny out of us tax paying citizens. They even have a Tax Compliance Officer...WTF?

This booklet provides important tax information concerning donations and other payments to scientology churches, missions and related charitable and educational organizations located in the united states. It has been prepared with the assistance of those tax attorneys most familiar with the income tax rules and regulations concerning transactions with scientology related entities, yet has been kept concise and informative for the layman and professional alike. A copy of this booklet should be provided to your tax advisors to ensure that you receive the maximum allowable tax benefits from your donations.

Here's this list of tax deductible crap, it's long-winded and boring so, take some "No-Doze" to stay awake. lol

LIST OF SERVICES

QUALIFIYING FOR CHARTIABLE CONTRIBUTION DEDUCTIONS

BASIC PROCESSING AND TRAINING SERVICES:

HUBBARD DIANETICS SeminarHUBBARD DIANETICS Auditor CourseDIANETICS BOOK ONE AuditingSuccess Through Communication CourseHUBBARD Qualified Scientologist CourseAnatomy of the Human Mind CoursePersonal Efficiency Course Part 1 and Part 2Introductory & Demonstration ProcessingGroup ProcessingAssist ProcessingSpecial Div 6 Word ClearingWeekend Congress Service

PROCESSING:

THE PURIFICATION RUNDOWN12 1/2 Hour Intensive Auditing(includes Grades, FALSE PURPOSE RUNDOWN, NEW ERA DIANETICS, PTS Rundown, HAPPINESS RUNDOWN, etc.)Expanded Dianetics AuditingCLEAR CERTAINTY RUNDOWN AuditingSUNSHINE RUNDOWN® AuditingHUBBARD Solo Auditor Course Parts I and IIR6EWClearing CourseNew OT IOT IIOT IIINew OT IV (auditing intensives)New OT V AUDITED NOTs (auditing intensives)New OT VINew OT VII SOLO NOTsNew OT VIII TRUTH REVEALED(available only at Flag Ship Service Organization)L10, Lll and L12 RundownsCAUSE RESURGENCE RUNDOWNSUPER POWER

OT Debug ServiceFlag Case CheckReview AuditingCase Supervision

TRAINING:

HUBBARD KEY TO LIFE CourseHUBBARD LIFE ORIENTATION CourseSTUDENT HAT CourseHUBBARD METHOD ONE Co-audit CourseTherapeutic TR CourseTRs and Objectives Co-audit CourseSCIENTOLOGY Drug Rundown Co-audit CoursePrimary RundownNew HUBBARD Professional TR CourseHUBBARD Professional Upper Indoc TR CourseHUBBARD Professional Metering CourseAcademy Level 0Academy Level IAcademy Level IIAcademy Level IIIAcademy Level IVClass IV InternshipClass V CourseClass V InternshipClass V Graduate CourseClass V Graduate InternshipClass VA GraduateClass VA Graduate InternshipClass VI - SAINT HILL Special Briefing Course, Levels A-PClass VI InternshipClass VII CourseHUBBARD Class VIII CourseClass VIII InternshipSCIENTOLOGY Marriage Counseling Auditor CourseAllergy and Asthma Rundown Auditor CourseEst Repair Auditor CoursePsych Treatment Repair Auditor CoursePTS/SP Auditor CourseSOUTH AFRICAN RUNDOWN Auditor CourseStudent Booster Rundown Auditor CourseVITAL INFORMATION RUNDOWN Auditor CourseINTROSPECTION RUNDOWN Auditor CoursePDH Detection and Handling Auditor CourseHandling Fear of People Auditor CourseHUBBARD Professional Word Clearer CourseHUBBARD Professional Word Clearer InternshipHUBBARD HAPPINESS RUNDOWN Auditor CourseHUBBARD Senior Confessional Auditor CourseHUBBARD Senior Confessional Auditor InternshipHUBBARD FALSE PURPOSE RUNDOWN Auditor CourseHUBBARD FALSE PURPOSE RUNDOWN Auditor InternshipScientology Drug Rundown Auditor CourseHUBBARD Introductory and Demonstration Auditor CourseHUBBARD Assists Processing Auditor Course PTS/SP Course(How to Confront and Shatter Suppression) HUBBARD Group Auditor Course SCIENTOLOGY Ethics Specialist Course Special Course in Human Evaluation Children's Communication Course HUBBARD Basic Art Course Keeping SCIENTOLOGY Working Course Introduction to SCIENTOLOGY Ethics Course

mjm
mjm

I'm hearing reports that Misscavige will be in N. KY for the opening of an Ideal Morgue. any confirmation of this?

scnethics
scnethics

Thanks for the words of encouragement.  With people you love trapped in this cult, it can't fall quickly enough!

Brainslugged
Brainslugged

It has nothing to do with causation OR correlation. Someone's just pulled a number that sounds good out of their ass.

scnethics
scnethics

The average Scientologist (I'm a long-time member and speak from experience), wouldn't be able to explain the difference between causation and correlation.  And nothing you find in any promotional piece put out by this church would stand up to scrutiny.  I used to get mail all the time that told me a certain service would make me "exterior with full perception", meaning I would exist outside of my body and perceive the world around me without the use of my eyes, ears and other sense organs.

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

[cricket,cricket] Uh-oh hear that? It's the calm before the storm.

Tony always has a few aces up his sleave.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°Top Secret °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

I hope so. I met and talked to her once. She really is nice in person. I hope she read Debbie's e-mail and get's far away from the $ci-scandal. No doubt it will help her career.

NOTseriously
NOTseriously

Yeah, how does he have any idea who Tony is? Hasn't Tony been branded an SP by now?

Garry90069
Garry90069

LOL. I posted on his site he's a monumental failure..Chill E.Boob's not a happy failure.

please explain
please explain

I want to hear from people who don't have asthma any more - I got s/sed and auditing by fresh off the apollo Class VIIIs

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

THIRD AND FOURTH DYNAMIC TRAINING COURSES:

Professional Product Debug CourseHUBBARD Elementary Data Series Evaluator's CourseHUBBARD Executive Data Series Evaluator's CourseOrganization Executive CourseFLAG Executive Briefing Course

Lecture Courses:

The Doctorate Course for OTsExteriorization and the Phenomena of Space CourseThe Time Track of Theta CourseThe Route to Infinity CourseSecrets of the MEST Universe CourseThe Perception of Truth CourseUniverses and the War Between Theta and MEST CourseThe Phoenix Lectures CourseThe Creation of Human Ability CourseThe Power of Simplicity CourseThe Anatomy of Cause CourseWhole Track CourseThe Solution to Entrapment CourseThe Ability Congress CourseState of Man Congress CourseResponsibility and the State of OT CourseThe First Postulate CourseSpecial Hubbard Professional Auditor Course(formerly Skills of a Theta Being Course)The Dawn of Immortality Course [DELETED FROM 2007 EDITION]The Milestone One CourseRehabilitation of the Human Spirit CourseRestoration of Knowing Cause CourseCommand of Theta CourseSaint Hill New Civilization Series CourseThe Game of OT, Exteriorizaton & Havingness CourseThe Factors CourseThe First International Congress of Dianeticists and Scientologists CourseLondon Congress on Dissemination & Help Course1st Saint Hill ACC CourseAnatomy of the Spirit of Man Congress CourseGames Congress CourseLondon Congress on Human Problems CourseWashington Congress on Anti-Radiation and Confront CourseFreedom Congress CourseClean Hands Congress CourseClearing Congress CourseLondon Clearing Congress CourseSuccess Congress CourseTheta Clear Congress CourseAnatomy of the Human Mind Congress CourseClearing Success Congress CourseUniverse Processes Congress Course

*The Certainty Courses included in the Golden Age of Tech training lineup qualify for tax-deductible donations as do their corresponding courses.

*Donations for corrective actions in the Qualifications Division or retreads/retrains qualify for the charitable contribution deduction as do their corresponding services.

OT Hatting Courses and the OT Debug Service are available only at the Flag Ship Service Organization.

NOTseriously
NOTseriously

Well, it's only been TWO years in the making, apparently. Big beautiful empty building now. Big beautiful empty building the day after the grand opening.

UncleTomCruise
UncleTomCruise

Chill E B, Uncle Tom, always doin' it wrong,with that stupid little beard, and the book of L Ron,So he thinks that he can troll us? He thinks he's able,

So let's see if he still likes it when we switch around the table,

See he's running off his mouth, to Tony O,And everybody here knows how that goes,Little hand up his butt belongs to Miscavige,And when he tries to rhyme it's just a miscarriage

Silly little rapper with the dumb ass face,Thinks he got a winner with the IAS case,But his stupid-ass records make him dance all queer,And there ain't NO psychiatrist lost their career,

Stupid little rapper talking lumps in the throat,But your boy Tom Cruise is gripping onto his goat,Shoving little midget dicks between his gold teeth,Pullin' Chill EB's beard if they forget to breathe,

That bitch-ass queen thinks his raps are so great,But he hasn't had a hit since 1988,Just a washed up fat-assed Mustang Sally,With the lyrical precision of a drunk Kirsty Alley,

It's time to to give this rapper a few home truths,And he can bitch about it now but we got all the proof,$cientology is lame, they play him like a game,And just like LRH behind his back they call him names,

See there ain't no room for a negro in the cult,But if they want your money they'll hide the insults,"Whassa matter wid you hat?" LRH hated blacks,But he'll never gonna Google that, coz he's just too wack,

So watch the rappin' coward gettin' mad at the facts,Watch the whole world as it's grinding the axe,Hard rain's gonna fall, time's just ticking on,

With Tony O, ABC, Tampa Bay and Nick Xenophon,

You ain't clearing no planet, you can't even write rhymes,You're just like the others saying "what are your crimes?"

And your leader says nothing as he hides away,Telling fools like you to try and get in our way,Because he's all out of luck, CIA are on the case,

FBI are itchin' to get Waco at Gold Base,

And you'll be left bitchin' when you never see the money,With a bowl of Chill E beans you'll be beggin' for yo mommy,Anonymous are here and we think it's kind of funny,

To rape you in the ass like a Duracell bunny,

Coz you were dumb enough to cry when they printed your name,And now everybody knows that your life is just a shame,And we'll be laughing hard when you wind up broke,And nobody will want you coz they think you're a joke,

A rapper tryin' to rap for a UFO sect,We told you to expect us, so what did you expect?Put down your microphone, you can't Occupy that,Just get down your knees, you're a little pussycat,

And when you see Davey say hi from all the Legion,before you put your mouth on his genital region,And take a little look, the smallest dick in all the lands,You won't feel nothing if you're clutching the cans,

And if you're in doubt then here's the best proof of all,Take a good look back and try to look for his balls,You can write a rap song for our own amusement,But you'll never ever see any testicular movement,

Coz David Miscavige is a chicken-shit, And in your heart you must agree, even just a little bit,He might be talking tough because that what cowards do,But he hasn't been on TV since 1992,

So suck it up fat boy, you just got served,Chill E B? Who he be? Oh he got what he deserved,Take a chance if you like on bringing Tony O down,But this story's just beginning, you're a sad faced clown,

You say define better? Sucker, it ain't you,I've heard better fuckin' rapping from the city zoo,And as the animals go by two by two,You can hear them all screech as they're laughing at you

"It's Chill E B the dumb rhymer!" you can hear them say,He's the fool from the 'net, did you see he got played?Some Anonymous lyrics just blew him away,Then he lost all his money, and people think he's gay,

But no, this rhyme ain't racist, or homophobic,It's OK for a black man to suck on a white dick,It's just when it's a rapper and he's failing so hard,It's funny when we see him and say "YO CHILL E TARD!"

Peace out to all the Anon /b/rethren - 100 percent gangster rhymes for real - fuck Chill E B LOL!

TonyOrtega
TonyOrtega

Poor Chill. Thing is, I really was friendly to him, and it was a pleasure interviewing him through Twitter. I'm going to assume he's just bored or something.

Bob E.
Bob E.

How's this for a proposed future mailer ...

"Imagine spending a week on a cruise ship sailing the Caribbean. Getting instructed on how to lie, cheat, intimidate, and swindle people. Then deducting the entire cost off your income tax -- legally.

In some kind of science-fiction alternate universe, you think? No, right here, right now. Really!"

Kate Bornstein
Kate Bornstein

Wait—do you know if any or all those tapes have undergone the same 1984-ish removal of doubleplusungood bits as the basic books? Or are they the goodest words straight from the old man's mouth as Little Brother understands them (commands them?) to be?

mjm
mjm

*sees tumbleweeds roll by*

mjm
mjm

speaking of Leah, where has she been since she got ousted from The Talk? maybe she has left the cult as well...

just read on WWP that Laura Prepon hasn't been involved w/ the cult since she broke up w/ Chris Masterson in '07-'08. so my suspicions were correct!

UncleTom
UncleTom

Correction - it IS up on YouTube

watch?v=BNC9o2hjX24

UncleTomCruise
UncleTomCruise

It's not on YouTube - but the rap tune is done and it can be heard on WWP - look for Uncle Tom vs Chill E B

:)

UncleTomCruise
UncleTomCruise

Just been lookin' at Chill E B's Facebook - that little Runnin' Scared bitch knows he's been called out here and on WWP - but he hasn't got the confront so he's using "ignore tech" and hiding and hoping this rap battle will all be forgotten about...

Uh-uh, Chill E Fool, I got you in check,And if you keep hiding then I'll show you some "tech",How about a YouTube video clip?With your name up in lights as I start to rip?

I'll devastate your reputation, You're avoiding confrontation,Lyrical enturbulation, make you choke on this creation,

Coz I will wreck your name, and your chance of fame,When you step up to the plate and play a real rap game,They said a million bucks for a million hits,But you only got twelve coz your rhymes are so shit

See your pussy ass lyrics might satisfy clams,But in the real world you throw your toys from your pram,I can prove it if you like, can't step to this rhyme,Y'all busted like Rex Fowler and you're doing hard time,

If it helps, I'll be your psyche, or I'll be an SP,Coz you're gonna need a shrink if you're stepping to me,But put your fingers in your ear, pretend I ain't here?Listen close, motherfucker, I will wreck your year!!

I got a YouTube page and it's ready to go,It's my way or the highway just as long as you know,That you can either "stand tall", steppin' up like a man,Or just run away and hide like a typical clam,

Coz L. Ron Hubbard was a child abuser,You're rapping in his name and that makes you a loser,So step up to the mic and you can give me your best,Or 2012 will be the year I put your ass to rest.

And you can keep running but you just can't hide, I got my ears to the ground and my eyes open wide,I'm calling you out coz I got the real clout,It's Uncle Tom, and it's on! All Anons - Peace Out!!

Yeah I know you heard that. Rest in pieces, Chill E Bitch. I'll be waiting.

mia
mia

Put your rap song on You Tube UncleTom Cruise. You are brilliant! Not as brilliant as Tony O., but definitely a close second.

mia
mia

Totally agree with you John P. UncleTom Cruise rocks!!

mia
mia

That was pure awesomeness UncleTom Cruise!!!

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

Just...just brilliant!!!!!! [pumping fist in the air]

AnonMomAnon
AnonMomAnon

i'm almost 54 and a former floral designer, but i saw a buy walking a pitbull today who looked just like dr. dre.  here's my rap offering...

eenie meenie miney mo

chill e. beanie is a sci cult hoslavemaster culties got u talkin' smack

wtf, dude...you're BLACK

l. con was a racist down to the bone

he died fucked up, crazy, and alone

chillshill, u hitched ur wagon to a dyin' star

and Lil' CoBster Midget ain't nobody's savior

if ur backin' the cult makes just one sea org slave

best hope there's not hell waitin' on the other side of the grave

yeah, eenie meenie miney mo

why's chill e. gotta be a sci cult ho

eenie meenie miney mo

chill e.'s a sci cult ho

chill e.'s a sci cult ho

werd.

DeckardCain
DeckardCain

More please!

Tony O, please put at least one of these in your Comments of the Year.  

UncleTomCruise
UncleTomCruise

Oh I'm just getting warmed up.

Wait and see if Chill E B is dumb enough to take up the challenge.

He'll wish he never even heard of $cientology, I'll be his exorcist, his vocal elecutionist, I'll distress his mind to this...

John P.
John P.

Nice to see that a leading contender for Tony's 2012 Commenter of the Year award is locking it in early.  Un-freaking-believable, UncleTomCruise!  

UncleTomCruise
UncleTomCruise

Let's see what that stupid motherfucker Chill E B has to say now.

Yeah that's right bitch, I'm callin' you out!Coz I'm the Lord Xenu and I just got out!Your LRH tech don't exist to save you,It's a bunch of bullshit, it's designed to enslave you!

We got the whole Marcabian Federal Fleet,And on the microphone we'll knock you to your feet!You're out of your depth son, no you don't want none,But if you dare try then the battle's already won,

Pound for pound, put your money where your mouth be,YouTube hits, the shit fits, you'll be cursing me,Stick up another track for the world to judge,And we'll see if you can rhyme like Tom Cruise packs the fudge,

Bring it on Chill E Bitch, and I'll be waiting like a waiter,Don't cry to your Facebook just because you're a hater,You talk a big game like you think you rap steady,but if you want to battle this, then bitch, I'll be ready!

So yeah, come at me bro! I'm ready willing and able,I'll steal your microphone, wipe my ass on your turntables,Coz the only thing you occupy is little Davey's fist,And this is one rhyme that you wish you had missed.

If you want to play fair then I'll set this to a beat,I'll put it up on YouTube with a video suite,And you can call it a month or you can call it a year,But you know my hit count will have you in tears,

Coz all your little fans are retirement age,Most of them can't walk to see you on stage,So we'll see how many fans you think you'll get,If you take up this challenge, and reply to this set.

All you gotta do is record a rap song,And I'll just be pointing out where you're doin' it wrong,But I think that you're a pussy and you just won't choose it,Coz all you wanna write is cheap cult music.

I'll give you a week, and that's all you gonna get,I wrote this in ten minutes and I'm not even wet,So you can read it and weep and you can break out a sweat,But you know, I don't forgive - and I never forget!

DeckardCain
DeckardCain

<wipes eyes="" from="" tears="">

That was pure beauty.</wipes>

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

Oh... Chill EB is just upset about "erections" cause he's to old to get one...poor guy. And, what makes it worse, is he's not allowed to take Viagra...what's a man to do? Especially if he needs, but can't take anything from BIG PHARMA. :-(

hgc
hgc

Tony, You are the only reason that anyone has ever heard of Chill EB. But then, everyone has a role to play, and his is to react antagonistically toward your criticism of his religion, in the usual fashion (name calling). 

I can see that you don't take it personally, and that's good. Good luck to Chill. I hope he finds his way out into the real world one day. 

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

Or maybe he misses all the attention the Anons were giving him? Like those lultzy shoops of him. :-D

We love ya Chill, are you mad? Haha

NOTseriously
NOTseriously

Tony, you're very gracious and kind. We should all have "enemies" like you :D

SFF
SFF

The "freethinker" has been told that he shouldn't have talked to you so he's postulating a different past where you made up the whole thing.

UncleGrandfather
UncleGrandfather

"Phony O needs correction.Words coming out of his mouth like he's got a yeast infection. And that lump in your throat is called erection."- Chill

He does have a way with words, doesn't he Tony? Can't believe that rap career never seemed to take off with such monumental skill with a pen. Truly brilliant how he managed to rhyme three whole words. 

Marcab Hard Party
Marcab Hard Party

Tony, Chill E Dog just jones'n for some e-attention. Last place he got it was with TonyO, cause Tony's on a first name basis with Ms. Streisand. LOL

bobx
bobx

Apparently, they haven't scrubbed out even the most embarrassing clinkers from The Source.  I saw on the list the "South African Rundown", specially devised because the South African black is the most impervious to enlightenment of any thetan on the planet, according to one of LRH's more... shall we say, un-PC utterances.  I thought they denied the existence of that kind of stuff nowadays.

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

Oh, sorry Kate, I m not sure? Hopefully Chuck Beatty or another sci- expert can answer you question. :-)

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