Chris Jones Says Women Are Bad in Bed: Is He Right?

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Today brings us "Ladies: You're Not as Good as You Think," an essay by Esquire writer Chris Jones.

Jones' not-so-scintillating thesis is basically this: "There is a spectrum of female lovers just as there is of men. The trouble is, most women act as though they're sexual Olympians, as though they're doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car." Others pearls of wisdom include "Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are" and "Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works. It's nice, too, when you don't treat our semen like it's battery acid." Oh, and us womenfolk shouldn't feel any self-consciousness about cunnilingus.

Now, it's very easy to make fun of Jones -- and he deserves to get as much shit as he dished. And while Jones is clearly no libidinal luminary, we should still ask: is he right?

Having bedded men and women, I can say with confidence that Jones might be onto something. Generally speaking, female hookups are just like their male counterparts: largely disappointing.

Thing is, the complaints Jones makes against women -- that they act lazily in the sack, that they don't know how their bodies work, that they seem too squeamish toward bodily fluids -- are true, but the exact same complaints can be validly made against men (and in equal proportion.)

Fact is, most Americans are too uptight about sex to enjoy it, let alone do it well or explore pleasurable, though non-traditional, activities. Jones wants women to learn how their bodies work, but very vocal elements of American society generally frown upon self-exploration. And the current sexual zeitgeist packs so much guilt and angst and shame (see: slutgate) that it's not the easygoing, care-free thing it should be.There's also the problem of pop culture -- sex isn't going to be awesomely explosive every single time, as TV and movies would have you think. A lot of it is boring -- if not outright bad -- with people you might not be emotionally invested in.

So yes, Jones is partially right: women are bad in bed, but so are men. But Jones is wholly wrong about one thing -- ascribing gender to an issue that impacts everyone.

Follow Victoria Bekiempis @vicbekiempis.


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13 comments
Inarius
Inarius

I couldn't agree more with Chris Jones's article - I loved it.  Men may be clueless, but more often than not, men genuinely try to peform well.  Most often, men are expected to be dominant, to take the lead.  Women have been given far too much credit simply for being willing.  My intimate encounters with women have largely been disappointing. @1ccc66c796953896550c5b8ce23f04ac:disqus :  Exactly!

cbarrigar
cbarrigar

Most people suck at sex. It's really pretty egalitarian, in that regard. Until you're willing to know what you like and how to ask for it (and how to give pleasure to your partner as well), you're gonna be be a lousy lover. Unfortunately, none of us are taught how. We should be. We should be taught as much (at least) about how to ask for and give pleasure as we are about birth control methods and std's. But at this point, the only "sex education" offered is all about the most negative aspects of sexuality (sexually transmitted diseases, etc). It's absurd. We should be taught how to have good sex as well.

Ymgscoringhigh
Ymgscoringhigh

I don't think it's as much about women being bad in bed or not knowing their own bodies.  It is more about the fact that men don't marry bad girls.

Milasamma
Milasamma

It seems to me this article is not written about sex, butrather about sexual assault. “Let’s get this over with” and “terror clamp” arenot terms that I associate with healthy, consensual sexual experiences.

The way I understand sexual consent is that if you want toperform a sexual activity with someone you need to talk to her about it first.My guess is that if a woman enthusiastically states that she wants her partner toperform cunnilingus, there will be no “terror clamp”. If a woman feels terror,like when someone pushes his mouth up to her vagina without so much as a “doyou mind…” she is likely to tense up. In fact, she might even stop beinginterested in sex, fear for her safety, fuck with a let’s get this over withsensibility because she’s afraid her partner might try to dive into anotherbody part without asking.

Chris Jones is not having good sexual experiences because heis being insensitive. He never wonders if a partner of his could beuncomfortable or scared even, that might cause her to fuck like a “couchcushion” or fear an anal assault from behind. It takes sensitivity to be a goodlover, and most women need to feel safe to open up, relax, and lose theirabandon in a sexual context.  Until ChrisJones begins to wonder what his partners are experiencing when they go to bedwith him, he will never have a satisfying experience. We all have aresponsibility to communicate our needs in a relationship, but in a sexualrelationship our responsibility goes beyond just communicating our own needs.In a sexual relationship we have to attempt to understand our partner’s needs.We have to ask, we have to explore, we have to offer an environment that issafe enough for a true answer. I hope Chris Jones will consider looking inwardfor the answer to his unsatisfying sexual experiences. I think he will findsome true potential for change there.

HurdyGurdy
HurdyGurdy

"it's not the easygoing, care-free thing it should be."

Maybe people are having bad sex because they don't give a shit about the person they're with, and only care about having great sex. Care-free means no investment, and if you don't care about someone why would you be concerned about pleasuring them? And why would they want to pleasure you?

You mention the issue of pop culture misleading us into thinking all sex will be great, but don't touch the much bigger problem of it advocating sex as the most pleasurable (and, ironically, disposable) possible interaction between people.

Kathrynpl
Kathrynpl

Women may not understand their bodies very well, but men don't understand them at all. I'd say about half the men I've been with had no idea that women derive sexual pleasure from the clitoris. they would actually have arguments with me, as if I don't know. I once sent a man, who was particularly patronizing about my own sexual pleasure and anatomy, an article written by a physician describing how it all works. Of course, I also included that I never wanted to see him again.

Myriam_Breitman
Myriam_Breitman

"Having bedded men and women, I can say with confidence that Jones might be onto something."Do tell us more  Victoria. We want a separate blog post just about that!

Jrf2amf
Jrf2amf

Bad in bed!!! I compained once to my older brother about an encouter (sex) and he put his hand on my shoulder and shared his wisdom that sex is only GOOD and BETTER :-)

Kweli
Kweli

 He's right. You say it could be said about men too, but the point is that it is never said about women... until now.

Savtek
Savtek

Bluntly stating that once she's been anal fucked a couple of times she will have powerful G-Spot orgasms.

the_proph
the_proph

Yes! Why force sex, like seemingly everything else, into a false dichotomy--this one being of guilt and sin/care free. That ain't how it works, and contrary to certain opinions, one need not sleep around like crazy to discover that sex with someone you're open with is the most pleasurable.

-A dude

HurdyGurdy
HurdyGurdy

It always excites me to hear another man rejecting the notion of sexual conquest; thank you. 

The hard-right demands with sex are just as damaging as this progressive hedonism; they're both selfish ("I say what you can't do" and "I do whatever I want to you"), they both grossly simplify our sexual and emotional needs, and they both treat sex as something an individual owns, rather than being shared by partners. Essentially, one side says procreation sex is good and pleasure sex bad, and the other says the opposite. They're both wrong, and no amount of intellectualizing will fill the emotional emptiness created by these extremes.

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