Scientology Sunday Funnies: RON the Encyclopedia -- THE VIDEO!

RONTheSeries.JPG
Scientologists don't really have a Sunday service. They like to say that they do, because they crave mainstream acceptance. But unless Xenu rested after six days and L. Ron Hubbard just forgot to mention it, there's no reason for Scientologists to treat Sunday any differently than every other day of coursework, detoxes, fundraising, and generally clearing the planet.

So here at the Voice, we've come up with a Scientology Sunday tradition of our own, and we call it Sunday Funnies! Our sources regularly send us Scientology's wacky and tacky fundraising mailers, and each week we choose a few of them to gaze upon, hoping that it inspires you to wax eloquent in our comments section. So here we go...


Last week, we broke news of Scientology's exciting new way to soak its members -- Ron, the Encyclopedia! Yes, Britannica may have given up the ghost, but Scientologists will no doubt be shelling out $720 each for this amazing 16-volume set all about L. Ron Hubbard's life. And this week, we have the promotional video! Check it out...


Those first three assertions -- I can't get enough of them.

HE LIVED MORE THAN TWENTY LIVES IN THE SPAN OF ONE

Well, OK, but by Scientology reckoning he was supposed to have lived like a quadrillion other times all over the galaxy, so what's 20 little lives here on Earth? Chump change.

HE LIVED IT FROM THE TOP DOWN AND THE BOTTOM UP

For our readers who remember the excerpts from Hubbard's "Affirmations," this assertion is problematic, to be sure.

IT'S BEEN LIVED -- IT CANNOT BE UNLIVED

Say WHAT? That one really has me stumped. I mean, If one of our readers can possibly make sense of what it means to say that L. Ron Hubbard's life cannot be unlived, please, help me out here.

Anyway, I want this set of books so bad I can taste it. So for any of you librarians out there who get hit up with this, please take a copy so you can ship it to me! I promise to make good use of it (and you know I will).



That Sydney Org, always with the clever mailers. And this one really delights us. Here's some great piñata tech that should loosen up the wallets of any parishioner!

SydneyPinata.jpg
SydneyPinata2.JPG


I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about this flier really creeps me out.

DeEulioPoster.jpg


Californians, take pride in your status as the first entirely Ideal state! Can you feel the excitement?

CAIdeal.jpg

Well, that's another very fun week here at Sunday Funnies. Please sound off in the comments and let us know whatever is occupying your mind these days in the realm of Scientology watching.

Tomorrow: with only a few weeks until this year's gala, we have an update on the Writers of the Future contest we wrote about recently.


**********
Tony Ortega has been the editor in chief of the Village Voice since March, 2007. He started writing about Scientology in 1995. You can reach him by e-mail at tortega@villagevoice.com, and if you ask nicely he'll put you on his mailing list for notifications of new stories, which tend to come out each and every morning at 8 am, but can suddenly appear at any time of the day. You can also catch his alerts at Twitter (@VoiceTonyO), at his Facebook author page, on Pinterest, a Tumblr, and even this new Google Plus doohickey.

New readers might want to check out our primer, "What is Scientology?" Another good overview is our series from last summer, "Top 25 People Crippling Scientology." At the top of every story, you'll see the "Scientology" category which, if you click on it, will bring up all of our most recent stories. As for our regular features, on Thursdays we do a roundup of world press, on Fridays we visit L. Ron Hubbard on the yacht Apollo circa 1969-1971, on Saturdays we celebrate the week's best comments, and on Sundays we publish Scientology's wacky and tacky advertising mailers that people send us.

As for hot subjects we've covered here, you may have heard about Debbie Cook, the former church official who rebelled and is now being sued by Scientology. You might have also heard about the Super Power Building, Scientology's "Mecca," whose secrets were revealed here. We also reported how Scientology spied on its own most precious object, Tom Cruise. (We wrote Tom an open letter that he has yet to respond to.) Have you seen a Scientology ad on TV lately? We debunked some of the claims in that 2-minute commercial you might have seen while watching Glee or American Idol.

Other stories have looked at Scientology's policy of "disconnection" that is tearing families apart. You may also have heard something about the Sea Org experiences of the Paris sisters, Valeska and Melissa, and their friend Ramana Dienes-Browning. We've also featured Paulette Cooper, who wrote about Scientology back in the day, and Janet Reitman, Hugh Urban, and the team at the Tampa Bay Times, who write about it today. And there's plenty more coming.


Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
259 comments
Payton_vege
Payton_vege

Amazing write-up! This could aid plenty of people find out more about this particular issue. Are you keen to integrate video clips coupled with these? It would absolutely help out. Your conclusion was spot on and thanks to you; I probably won’t have to describe everything to my pals. I can simply direct them here!

Jgg
Jgg

A new slogan for Anonymous: "Scientology--it has been exposed, it cannot become unexposed."

Andrew K.
Andrew K.

Okay, speaking as a sometime editor: "All-Embracive Compendium?" Is "embracive" a word? I would think "All-Encompassing Compendium" makes more sense. Still, more proof of the talent drain going on in the Sea Org.

Meishayuri
Meishayuri

My Bullometer is stuck in the critical mass zone, which usually means that I must soak my eyes in bleach to unsee what I have seen.

Rumpelstiltskin
Rumpelstiltskin

Heh, the Sydney Ideal Org is the ozzie version of the super power building in FL

Sue
Sue

If they had of called this series "Diary of a Madman" and charged $7.20 per copy, I just may have forked it over!!!  Naaaah I doubt it! 

Gerard Plourde
Gerard Plourde

I'm coming to this thread late. I thought I heard a musical quotation of "Thank you for Listening" from the "Road to Freedom" in the soundtrack to this video at around 1:44 when they're touting "Ron: The Music Maker.

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

Screw L. Ron Hubbard for what he did to Paulette Cooper.

*´¨)¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)(¸.•´ (¸.•` * I love Paulette Cooper *´¨)

 Thetan-X
Thetan-X

Listen, I hope no-one is offended by what i am about to say,  but if old El Rondoesn't look like a complete & total fairy check,  @ 1:10 in that video ( leaning up against the plane with the stupid little cap & goggle affair on his noggin ), I mean come on has anyone really investigated this poof's sexxy life?? I bet it would be one scary volume in the RON encyclopedia..Lets see it could be titled "RON the biggest DICK in the hole" or maybe "RON the Thetans gift to the Vagina"!!! 

come on thats funny !!!! I bet some of you clowns could come with a better title for "RONS" sex tech manual / guide / volume.......or maybe he already has one???? 

Brian Butcher
Brian Butcher

They forgot Satanist, Racial Bigot, Criminal, Drug Addict, Liar, and Hypocrite!

Gus
Gus

Oh, Lord, it sounds like they dragged Peter Schless out of the Hole to write the cheesy, 80s-style synthesizer-based garbage music track.  Miscavige must love that shit.  Barfffff.  

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

Thanks Tony and the Village Voice for the world's best coverage on the COS, I know it comes with a price. I was surfing the net using ixquick instead of Goolge and I noticed there are scientology ad's on every frigging page, at the top and bottom. I mean what an overkill of ad's. LOL!

I also noticed the sponsored ad's (highlighted in blue) VillageVoicedotcom Shame. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who is behind the OSA dirty tricks smear campaign of Village Voice.

The desperate attempt to muzzle Village Voiceis despicable, and to think they use tax free money makes their ad's even more sickening.

What makes me laugh is they hide who owns the domains of these libelous sites of slander.What a bunch of dauntless, defiant chicken shits, hahahaha! Tony, please find out the owners name of these sites, inquiring minds want to know, plus it would make a great story.

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

Thanks Tony and the Village Voice for the world's best coverage on the COS, I know it comes with a price. I was surfing the net using ixquick instead of Goolge and I noticed there are scientology ad's on every frigging page, at the top and bottom. I mean what an overkill of ad's. LOL!

I also noticed the sponsored ad's (highlighted in blue) VillageVoice.com Shame. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who is behind the OSA dirty tricks smear campaign of Village Voice.

The desperate attempt to muzzle Village Voiceis despicable, and to think they use tax free money makes their ad's even more sickening.

What makes me laugh is they hide who owns the domains of these libelous sites of slander.What a bunch of dauntless, defiant chicken shits, hahahaha! Tony, please find out the owners name of these sites, inquiring minds want to know, plus it would make a great story.

Peter
Peter

My church beats women.

DeckardCain
DeckardCain

If I wanted that much cheese and schmaltz in a production about a rat, I'd go to Disneyland.

Randy Hildebrand
Randy Hildebrand

Ortega, I  would just love it if you actually could get ahold of one of those volumes by El Wrong and see just how much of it is oh say already available online

Kronos
Kronos

At 0:51 in the video, there is a lot of obvious photoshop "smudging" going on to make LRH's journal entries illegible.  Why is that? 

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

Oh look, LRon the cowboy is in the video. Wasn't his pseudo name "Winchester Remington Colt"?

Breaking broncos at age 3 (lol) plus, he was never a Blackfoot Indian blood-brother. Back then it was in vogue to identify with the Native American Indian movement. He capitalized on it like a lot of people did like, "Cher" with her song, "Half Breed" and "Paul Revere and the Raiders" did too with, "Indian Reservation (Cherokee Nation)

Hubbard claimed to have befriended a Blackfoot medicine man named “Old Tom” who taught him tribal lore and made him a “blood brother” in a special ceremony.Tribal enrollment records from that era contain no “Old Tom,” historians say. Christian names were not used among the Blackfeet of that time period, and the Blackfeet never had a blood-brother ceremony...and the war bonnet was bought with a bribe.

Hubbard was a congenital liar. Hubbard’s puffed-up image in these encyclopedia books are nothing but a marketing ploy and propaganda. Why isn't he in the Guiness Book of World Records for the fattest liar?

hgc
hgc

OK, super-important info here! Noting the multiple facets of the gargantuan personality represented in the volumes of dreck of the Lronpedia, and through my extensive researches, I have uncovered the truth about what made Ron great. 

Has anyone ever seen the cartoon show "Ben 10?" Ben is a boy who has some alien device attached to his wrist that enables him to turn into any of 10 different monstrous creatures in order to battle various bad guys. That's what Ron must have had going on. The Marcabs attached him with what was most likely an anal probe, so that each time he twitched his rectum in a particular direction, he turned into a different super-hero -- Commodore Explorer, Commodore Music Maker, Commodore Poet, Commodore Sea Captain, Commodore Archaeologist (gets angry when people move things), Commodore SMERSH Smasher, etc.  

scilonschools
scilonschools

That blindfolded man from the Sydney Org holding a broom, and Jan Eastgate nowhere to be seen?

Skwerl King
Skwerl King

How can california be the first Ideal State when we only have one org and it is Ideal and it opened before the one in Cali....

This takes the cake. I will put no more mortgages on my house for scientology.

LoyalOfficer
LoyalOfficer

 He wrote fiction his entire life, why shouldn't his biography be fiction too.

LoyalOfficer
LoyalOfficer

it is really funny to me, it seems that if they found a picture of Elron doing something, well then he was the best at it. Standing in front of a plane, he was a great aviator. Sitting at a piano. he could write master symphonies. Assaulting a tomato, he was a leading horticulturist. Wearing fruit and feathers, he was a professional can can dancer. Dressed as Superman, he can leap tall buildings in a single bound. yeesh!!

I will bet that there is not one page in that compendium that does not contain at least one lie. I would love to read the part about his military career.

MissCabbage
MissCabbage

After watching a Scientology video I feel the urge to ingest a few Dramamine tablets.

And wash 'em down with a pint of Scotch.

MarkStark
MarkStark

I was thinking about something. Beyond inflating Ron's insatiable ego, what purpose was there in having Ron be an explorer, horticulturalist (seems to be a major downgrade from "botanist"), "music-maker" (a downgrade from musician and composer), photographer etc.

I guess part of it was to sell the idea was that he could be anything he wanted, and you can too. And if you can't, you should be in eternal awe of such a person and follow everything he says you should do, because he is so special.

The more things they could make him, the more things people could relate to. Musicians would "trust" him because he's a musician. People who thought of themselves as philosophical would admire that in him. If you like driving fast cars, you could admire that he was a race car driver with the Marcabians millions of years ago. He was supposed to be a towering intellect as well as adventurous and "accomplished" at many disparate things. That, he wasn't. He was a dunce at math and science.

Don't ask what he accomplished with tomatoes or horticulture. Just be in awe, and be sure if he had devoted more time to it he would have been legendary. He could have raised tomatoes the size of basketballs if he put his mind to it.

Hubbard's most extraordinary accomplishment was taking advantage of people's vulnerability and gullibility, and using that to make them trust him and his ideas. He had an ability to seize the moment and manipulate people to his advantage. If they turned on him, he would often silence them in some way, making people just want to get away from him rather than try to get back at him. However, he was also genuinely adventurous and willing to take risks but an "explorer" he was not. Never went to the Poles or explored the Amazon or anything like that.

Koondog
Koondog

Re: the "it cannot be unlived" statement. LRH once wrote an essay, I think the title was My Only Defense for Having Lived, in which he stated that his live could not be unlived, in other words, anything he had done in his life could not be changed (same as for any of us).

MarcabianFleetCommander
MarcabianFleetCommander

Ron said he was a race driver called the Green Dragon who set a speed record before he was killed in an accident. He came back in another lifetime as the Red Devil and beat his own record, then came back and did it again as the Cock Gobbler. Finally we all realized all he was doing was running around like an airplane making "swoosh" and "kaboom" noises whenever he hit a wall and gave him a few happy pills. ~ From the private letter collection of DM

Mimi Armagh Parrow
Mimi Armagh Parrow

I know personally when I think of an "ideal state" I think of John Allender threatening my best friend, Lori. Its a true testament to what their distorted skew of "ideal" truly is. 

Larry Brennan
Larry Brennan

Wait!

Only 15 languages!!!????!!! Doesn't organized scientology say they publish in way more languages than that? Isn't the old man worth it?

Personally I am waiting until they release these volumes in "Valley Girl" before I fork over $720 for them.

Heck back in 2008 on the old enturbulation site a bunch of us helped organized scientology translate OT III into way more than 15 languages including Pig Latin, Ebonics, Elmer Fudd, Swedish Chef, Valley Girl, Bostonian, Suthern, Shakesperian, Glaswegian, Yoda, etc. One industrious Anon was even working on a Klingon version. I still have most of the translations on my computer.

Don't believe me? Here was the translation of OT III into "Valley Girl" done by one industrious Anon:

/start of OT III in Valley Girl/

"So this guy, who like ruled the Galactic Confederation, which was, uh, 76 planets or whatever around these really huuuge stars you can see from right here, and founded like 95,000,000 yrs ago (totally space opera. Yeah) And he solved overpopulation of like 250 billion or whatever per planet, I mean, no way, right? by mass implanting, (which by the way is OMG sooo totally gross. Implantation? Gag me with a spoon).

So this dude caused people to be brought to like, Teegeeack, which is like the retard name for Earth or something, and put an H Bomb on some volcanoes, which supposedly is Incident II but ya know, I'm like, whatever. And then the Pacific area ones were like taken in boxes to Hawaii or something, and the Atlantic Area ones to like, Las Palmas and "packaged." His name was Xenu or some geek shit like that, and he used renegades.

And this misleading data or whatever, by means of circuits and all? Yeah? Was like totally placed in the implants. When he was done with the whole 'crime' thing, these Loyal Officer dorks, not loyal to him, duh, but to the people, right? Anyway, they captured him after like 6 years of battle or something and put him in an electronic mountain trap where he still is. "They're" like gone. And now the place is just totally a desert or whatever, and I mean whatever. And they call me a space cadet. OMG".

/end of translation/

So if Anons themselves can translate Hubbard into more than 15 languages, why can't organized scientology with all their money? I think the Village Voice should look into this scandal!!111!!

Noah Miller
Noah Miller

I do hope someone does buy it and scans the thing. It's sure to be a treasure trove. I'd love to see how much white space and fluff is in there. I'm betting at least a full cloud bank. 

SP 'Onage
SP 'Onage

"STRIKE A POSE"╔═══╗ ♪║███║ ♫║ (●) ♫╚═══╝♪♪

rockyslammer
rockyslammer

 A simple "Ron the Lover" would suffice

grundoon
grundoon

If you read it unprepared, you could catch pneumonia and die.

Kronos
Kronos

Actually,  I want a forensic team to microanalyze 0:51-0:56.  I think it might be a trove.

hgc
hgc

"Dear Diary, I made a big doody. It looked like a DC-8 with rocket engines." 

bobx
bobx

"Why isn't he in the Guiness Book of World Records for the fattest liar?"Because Rush Limbaugh is contesting it. (ba-dum-ksshhh)

Kronos
Kronos

What is the goofiest/most embarrasing picture of Ron role-playing (for instance, your can-can dancer  example is brilliant) ????

Tetloj
Tetloj

Now that truly can't be un-lived....Leif Garrett? et tu?

No more video p-l-e-a-s-e!

Unex Skcus
Unex Skcus

Hilarious! However, for anyone with a weak stomach, you can jump forward to 2:40 to hear your very favourite Commodore groaning.

Kronos
Kronos

Is it true he would sail his cruise ship to archeologic dig sites and have his crew steal artifacts?

If that were true, that sounds like antique roadshow on steroids!!

Noah Miller
Noah Miller

I may or may not listen to this crazy rant of his whenever i have to drive cross country. It's from one of the congresses and it's awesome. He's got this half Larry Flint slur going on and then there's a whole thing about how reincarnated picasso won't draw pictures for his kids cause he can't bring himself to do it. Then he talks about how children love pictures of themselves. It's so dense with nuttyness it's worth having available on your ipod at all times. 

DodoTheLaser
DodoTheLaser

Ebonics version, please. For the sake of soul duds of Inglewood!

Dean Fox
Dean Fox

Those translations were brilliant, any chance you could resurrect them somewhere?

Larry Brennan
Larry Brennan

I found a bunch of them on a word doc. Not sure where I could put them up though. If you want to email me I can send you the doc. Also, I think it is in a members only part of WWP still.

But as a preview, here is the story of OT III that some brilliant Anon found penned by Shakesphere himself:

"Lord Xenu was the fell king's name, and with heart as black as coalHe killed and oppressed the multitude, with implants of the soul.Five billion souls -no stop, t'was more, it verily was six-Were killed by wicked cunning and within their minds were fixedFalse visions, hallucinations, of Christ and other thingsWhich brought the souls confusion, and the pain confusion brings.

But lo, Lord Xenu's evil plot had scarcely just begunWhen loyal Galactic Officers came, and blotted out the sun.For lengthy, bloody years did the factions wage their war.When Xenu was defeated, into a mountain they did boreA hole, a trap, a cage for Xenu, lacking window or doorA prison for the evil lord to be confined for evermore.

And thus does our story end, and Xenu in that mountain doth dwell.So listen, Scientologist, listen and listen well.For never was there a tale more askewThan that of Hubbard and his fair Xenu".

Anon!
Anon!

 I love the Swedish Chef and your "translation" is hilarious, thank you. Now to give proper homage to you and the Chef, a standing ovation and "bork, bork, bork" instead of encore, encore!

Chocolate Velvet
Chocolate Velvet

Oh yeah! Swedish Chef - bork bork bork! This is the one I was waiting for. Sooooo funny! Thanks for giving the Sunday Funnies a little evening kicker.

Are_sics
Are_sics

Thank you so much -- many laughs today from this particular thread.  Now that is really helpful!

Larry Brennan
Larry Brennan

Oh hell it's the end of the day and Tony has not banned me yet so here is OT III in Swedish, as told by the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show (Sound it out, get into the rhythm and accent of the Swedish Chef and it totally makes sense):

Zee heed ooff zee Gelecteec Cunffedereshun (76 plunets eruoond lerger sters feesible-a frum here-a) (fuoonded 95,000,000 yrs egu, fery spece-a oopera) sulfed ooferpupooleshun (250 beelliun oor su per plunet -- 178 beelliun oon eferege-a) by mess implunteeng. He-a coosed peuple-a tu be-a bruooght tu Teegeeeck (Iert) und poot un H Bumb oon zee preencipel fulcunues (Inceedent 2) und zeen zee Peceeffic erea oones vere-a tekee in buxes tu Heveeei und zee Etlunteec Erea oones tu Les Pelmes und zeere-a "peckeged. Bork bork bork!" Hees neme-a ves Xenu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! He-a used renegedes. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Fereeuoos meesleeding deta by meuns ooff curcooeets itc. ves pleced in zee implunts. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Vhee thruoogh veet hees creeme-a Luyel Ooffffeecers (tu zee peuple-a) ceptoored heem effter 6 yeers ooff bettle-a und poot heem in un ilectruneec muoonteeen trep vhere-a he-a steell is. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "Zeey" ere-a gune-a. Zee plece-a (Cunffed. Bork bork bork!) hes seence-a beee a desert. Um de hur de hur de hur.

Are_sics
Are_sics

TOO much! Only I want more.  Swedish Chef?!?  Maybe Tony won't mind. Maybe these can get their own page!

ozzie
ozzie

That is so damn funny Larry. 

Larry Brennan
Larry Brennan

Agreed, OK as I am totally derailing Tony's thread, just one more (just found more in Jive, LOLCAT, British House of Parlament, Cockney, Ahoy, Engrish and more). Gawd but I do <3 Anonymous!! Anyway, as we have so many here from Australia, here is OT III in Aussie:

"This bloke, head of the Galactic Confederation (76 planets around bloody big stars seen from here) (founded a bloody long time ago, bloody space opera) got rid of the bludgers (250 billion or so per planet - too bloody many on average) by mass implanting - stuffin' em tight like sandflies on a barbee. The bloke brought all these wankers to Teegeeack (Earth) and put an H Bomb on the big arse volcanoes (Incident 2) and then those happy little vegemites were in the Pacific were chucked in boxes taken to Hawaii and the Atlantic area ones shoved over to Las Palmas and chucked in boxes over there. Bloke's name was Xenu, and he was a bloody wanker. He used a bunch of bludgers. He used info that wasn't fair dinkum by using circuits and stuff was chucked in with the implants. He was flat out like a lizard drinking!

 When the bastard was done, bunch of blokes called Loyal Officers (to the people) grabbed him after 6 years of piss farting about and stuffed him like a muffin-top in an electric mountain trap where that bloody bastard still is. "They" have gone bush. The place (Confed.) is worse than back o' Bourke".

Are_sics
Are_sics

Larry, these are priceless! I'm not sure if I like the Valley Girl or the Shakespeare version better.  Both are easier to read than the Elron handwriting version.

Now Trending

New York Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...