"Vaseline Bandit" Arrested. New York Media Responds With Collection Of Lame Puns (Sigh)

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We get it: Vaseline is slippery, and people who evade capture are sometimes considered "slick." Enough already.

[Insert lame pun about Vaseline being slippery and a guy who used the substance to break into apartments here].

That's what multiple media outlets in New York City did today when police announced that the "Vaseline Bandit," a.k.a. 40-year-old Luis Gonzalez, has been arrested and booked on charges that he burglarized at least 14 Manhattan homes over the past six months. During each burglary, Gonzalez allegedly put Vaseline over the peephole on the doors of the homes he was breaking into.

We've offered our own (pun free) coverage of the bandit, which you can see here.

The New York Daily News apparently was so impressed with its petroleum-based plays on words that it went with not one but two ghastly descriptions of the story.


Headline: "Vaseline Bandit suspect Luis Gonzalez nabbed: Slippery suspect linked to at least 9 burglaries, tells cops he used lip balm to smear peepholes."

Lede: "The "Vaseline Bandit" suspect wasn't slippery enough to avoid arrest."

(Waka, waka, waka!)

The New York Post wasn't gonna let a yarn about a Vaseline-smearing burglar slip by without its own (ahem) clever p.

Lede: He's not so slick after all.

Hi-llllarious!

Gothamist made an attempt -- a very poor attempt, but an attempt just the same.

Headline: Busted: NYPD Wipes Down Vaseline Bandit.

We'll spare you the cutesy, petroleum-based bullshit and tell you what really happened.

The man police say is the "Vaseline Bandit" -- responsible for at least 14 break ins in Manhattan over the last six months -- is now behind bars.


Police say 40-year-old Luis Gonzalez was arrested this morning at his Bronx home on Echo Place

Gonzalez (allegedly) was dumb enough to leave a calling card -- dude would put Vaseline over the peepholes on the doors of the apartments he burglarized. In other words, if police find Vaseline on the door of a burglarized home, cops know it's a burglary that may be linked to Gonzalez.

Most of the burglaries happened in Washington and Hamilton Heights. In most cases, the suspect (presumably Gonzalez) broke into an apartment and stole jewelery and electronics.

Below is a description of each of the 14 burglaries cops say he committed between September 4, and March 8.

#1  On Sunday, September 4, 2011 between the hours of 2355 and 0030 the next day, the suspect entered an apartment located on Riverside Drive through a window and removed a portable DVD player.

 #2  On Tuesday, September 27, 2011 at approx. 1730 hours, the suspect entered an apartment located on Riverside Drive by pushing apartment door open and removed an undetermined amount of jewelry.

#3  On Friday, September 30, 2011 between 0800 and 1830 hours, the suspect entered an apartment located on Riverside Drive by pushing the apartment door open where he removed a laptop and a cellphone.

#4  On Tuesday, October 11, 2011 at approx. 2000 hours, the suspect entered an
apartment located on Seaman Ave by pushing the apartment door open and removed a laptop, jewelry and a backpack for laptop.

#5  On Tuesday, October 11, 2011 at approx. 2000 hours, the suspect entered an apartment also located on Seaman Ave by pushing the apartment door open and removed a television, clothing and money.

#6  On Friday, December 30, 2011 at approx. 1530 hours, the suspect entered an
apartment located at Fort Washington Ave by breaking locks on apartment door and removed two Apple laptops and one Apple back up hard drive.

#7  On Thursday, February 2, 2012 at approx. 1600 hours, the suspect entered an
apartment located on Cooper St by breaking door locks.  Nothing was removed from this location.

#8  On Monday, February 13, 2012 at approximately 1630 hours, the suspect made
an attempt to enter an apartment located on Riverside Dr by trying to force door open and was unsuccessful.

#9  On Monday, February 13, 2012 between the hours of 0745 and 1820, the
suspect entered an apartment located on Riverside Drive by forcing apt.
door open and removed jewelry and money.

#10 On Monday, February 13, 2012 between the hours of 1245 and 2100, the
suspect entered an apartment located on Thayer St by forcing apt door
open and removed jewelry, a laptop and an I-Pod.

#11 On Thursday, March 8, 2012 between the hours of 0700 and 2020, the suspect
entered an apartment located on Fairview Ave by forcing apt door open
and removed a laptop and clothing.

#12 On Thursday, March 8, 2012 between the hours of 0800 and 1500 the suspect
entered an apartment located on Cabrini Boulevard by forcing open the
apartment door and removed a carton of Marlboro cigarettes.

#13 On Thursday, March 8, 2012 between the hours of 1000 and 1545 the suspect
entered an apartment located on Cabrini Boulevard by forcing open the
apartment door and removed an I-Pod and bicentennial coins.


#14 On Thursday, March 8, 2012 at approx. 1400 hours, the suspect attempted to
enter an apartment located at W 187th St by forcing front door open but
was unsuccessful.

It's unclear at the moment what charges Gonzalez will face -- but he's currently in custody. Let's hope the cops don't let him slip away! Hahahaha -- see what we did there? Vaseline? Slippery? That's comic gold! (someone kick us in the balls...please).


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1 comments
Payton_vege
Payton_vege

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