Gawker Scribe Drew Magary Suffers Case Of Fussiness While Supporting Mike Bloomberg's Treating Adults Like Babies

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Drew Magary's Facebook page
This is Gawker blogger Drew Magary. He thinks Mike Bloomberg's proposed ban on big-boy cups for sugary beverages is no big deal because sometimes we "like being nannied." Sorry, Drew -- not all of us like being treated like children.

As the rest of us rolled our eyes in disgust Wednesday when Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced his proposal to ban big-kid cups for sugary drinks like soda, Gawker blogger Drew Magary penned a lengthy "rant" about how upset he is that the media isn't applauding Bloomberg for treating adults like babies. He thinks the mayor's proposed ban is just fine because we elected him, and America's not really a free country, and sometimes we "like being nannied," and "fatsos" need the government to get them to stop being fatsos, and a collection of other asinine reasons why it's Bloomberg's job to play food cop.

And if you're pissed off the mayor thinks it's his job to tell you what to eat, according to Magary, you're a "pussy."

While Magary may want to be treated like a child and "nannied" by a 70-year-old billionaire, most of us don't -- and there's a reason for that: we're fucking adults.

That's right, the majority of us who are offended that the mayor of New York thinks it's his job to tell us how to eat are grown ups, which means most of us go to work everyday, pay our bills, and are responsible enough to know that occasionally chugging 64 ounces of what essentially is pure sugar (out of a single container (gasp!)) isn't the end of the world as long as we balance it out with, say, a brisk walk and a salad for dinner instead of a Big Mac (a concept that's illustrated wonderfully in the weight-loss book Chubster).

However, Magary wants those of us who have a little self-control -- and are capable of deciding what to eat on our own -- to "shut the fuck up" and stop hassling Bloomberg for thinking it's his job to treat the rest of us like babies.

Magary argues that "if you think that a ban on large sodas is somehow an affront to America freedom, I have news for you: You don't live in a free country."

His examples of why we don't live in a completely free country are as follows (from Magary's "rant"):

You are not free to murder people in America. You are not free to stand in the middle of an intersection and block traffic like an asshole. You do not have the absolute freedom to do anything you want in America, and that's a good thing, because living somewhere with absolute freedom means you live in fucking Deadwood. There are a million different laws and rules that come with being an American, and we, as a collective, put all those annoying rules in there of our own accord. Democracy doesn't mean "Hey you, go do whatever the fuck you want."

Well, no shit -- you're not free to murder people in America, you're not free to stand in traffic, and you're not free to "do whatever the fuck you want." And, yes, there are rules that come with being an American -- however, those rules are in place to protect us from each other, not ourselves.

You can't murder people, or stand in traffic, because it will fuck up the day of another person. If you want to drink yourself to diabetes with sugary beverages, that's your problem, not ours (yes, we realize fatsos with no insurance will potentially need publicly funded healthcare, which -- while annoying -- is something we're willing to put up with if it means we're not gonna be treated like children).

The part of "being an American" that Magary overlooks is that whole thing about personal responsibility, which means not being an unhealthy slob whose idea of "health food" is the blue-cheese drenched celery that you snack on after wolfing down two dozen chicken wings.

We were children once, and we remember what it's like to absolutely love soda, Kool-Aid, and all the other awful shit our parents went to endless lengths to keep from us. We also remember how awesome it was when they weren't looking, and we were free to sneak as much sugary crap as we could possibly guzzle down.

In college, beer took the place of Kool-Aid, and there was nobody around to tell us to not drink as much of it as humanly possible. So, we drank a shitload of it -- and gained a few (20) pounds.

Then we grew up, and realized that in addition to potentially killing us, being a fat, drunk slob -- more often than not -- makes us unattractive to potential candidates for fornication. We then made the proper dietary adjustments to get back down to fightin' weight -- and we didn't need Mike Bloomberg to tell us to do it.

Maybe Magary wants to be treated like a baby -- as you can see in the video embedded below, some people are into that kinda thing (to each his own, we suppose).

If that's the case, this is New York City -- we're sure Magary won't have any trouble finding someone willing to give him a nightly bedtime story, an occasional spanking, and cut his food into pieces small enough for him to manage. But he can do it on his own; the rest of us are adults who are capable of making -- and dealing with the consequences of -- our own decisions.

Magary ended his "rant" by inviting readers to "buy a cold can of Dr. Pepper and jam it up your butt," which seems to follow the same childish theme that apparently requires Mike Bloomberg to make his dietary decisions for him.

We'll also invite you to grab a can of Dr. Pepper, but we'll refrain from suggesting you use it sodomize yourself. Rather, we encourage you to drink it. Fuck it, have two -- then just go for a jog. Or don't -- it's up to you (for now). 


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20 comments
jonathan.nyc
jonathan.nyc topcommenter

You've written on this topic before.

 

A regulation on sugary drinks can help your health without taking away your freedoms.  Order a 2nd large size cup if you must.

 

Now, please write about something else. 

Maurice
Maurice

Actually, you are free to "do whatever the fuck you want", as long as you're willing to pay the price.

"Yeah, ya can DO it - but that don't make it a fuckin' GOOD IDEA!"

JimTreacher
JimTreacher

I was with you up to the part about publicly funded health care NOT treating us all like children...

JewishOdysseus
JewishOdysseus

Oh, myyyy, that was a welcome, much-needed antidote to Gloombergism.  Aren't there any voters left in NYC who aren't addicted to handing over their rights to arrogant billionaires?  Any independence-oriented adults left?

JewishOdysseus
JewishOdysseus

Oh, myyy, that is a welcome, needed antidote to Gloombergism.  

Roland
Roland

I'm not for the sugar ban either, but I wonder if the author has written a similar ban on seatbelts.

Barry Jones
Barry Jones

Looking at Drew Magary's photo, I can tell right away he's a pussy.

Ammyth
Ammyth

If you support socialized health care, then you don't automatically get to decide for everyone else how to live.  You can't have it both ways. I'm pretty sure every single opponent of universal health care made that exact argument...that making everyone responsible for everyone else was only going to open the door for all kinds of restrictions on how we live.  Surprise, that's exactly what's happening.

Staten Island Bob
Staten Island Bob

Do you think that the obsessiveness of some politicians to control our habits, (supposedly for our own good), is a transference of how little they care otherwise? Although Bloomberg wouldn't be considered a radical right Republican, he wasn't exactly in the fight for a national health care plan. Does he do this so that someday he, (or someone like him), can turn around and blame our bad health on ourselves, while absolving any societal debt to pay for our betterment? Bloomberg believes firmly that we need more billionaires, (and he does indeed give away much of his own money to charity). But as far as entitlements go, or negotiated pension agreements, he has little support. If it is left up to him the world would be run by rich philanthropists, from the governments to the foundations, with the rest of us forced to stand there with our hands out, begging for alms.

Jim Washburn
Jim Washburn

"... which means most of us go to work everyday ..."

"Everyday" is an adjective.  You should have used the adverbial phrase "every day."

freedom<3er
freedom<3er

Maybe we should add a limit on that too! 2 slices of pizza only at one time! No more than 4 chicken wings per person! Ridiculous

freedom<3er
freedom<3er

I completely agree with you. Everyday there's a new restriction put on us as Americans and its total bs. This law will do nothing to help obesity rates in nyc. You can still go to a grocery store and buy a 2 liter (or even 10 of them!) The people who are not going to take care of themselves will most likely not change as a result. Plus who's to say that a person being deprived of their 64oz soda wont just replace those calories with another slice of pizza or an additional big mac?

Srtestman
Srtestman

Glad you were able to get back to "fighting weight". Kudos to your self control. But unfortunately 66% of people have no fucking self control or self worth and threw in the towel long ago. An I'm not paying for their Lipator. I really hope tht you don't believe your personal gain and loss of the freshman 20 is an accurate representation of MOST Americans

Pstumba
Pstumba

"We then made the proper dietary adjustments to get back down to fightin' weight"  who is this we you speak of? all americans? cause we are the most overweight nation in the world...

AL
AL

"If you want to drink yourself to diabetes with sugary beverages, that's your problem, not ours (yes, we realize fatsos with no insurance will potentially need publicly funded healthcare, which -- while annoying -- is something we're willing to put up with if it means we're not gonna be treated like children)."Talk about burying the lead. 

Guest
Guest

holy hell that was bad... please keep writing meaningless prose on whether cops should have shot a zombie next time you want to take an original and funny article waaaay too seriously. or register as a gawker commenter, they've got the amount of preachiness and douchebaggery you seem to value..

Shabba
Shabba

Know what's worse than a rant? A rant about a rant. 

William
William

Unfortunately we pay for a lot of things that are a result of other's irresponsible behavior. What about people that have babies when they are not able to support them? There is a huge social cost to that behavior. Do you want to regulate people's sexual relations too?

Matt C
Matt C

yes yes. we should just go ahead and ban obesity. these are horrible drags on society anyway. almost not human even. just throw em all in jail and dont feed them....

how about this strestman. another american's weight, or capacity for self control is none of your damn business. none. zip. zilch. nada. zero

and you don't want to pay for someone elses' lipitor? well i don't want to pay for any drug you are ever prescribed either. but isn't that the whole FUCKING concept of insurance? who are you to decide who gets coverage for what and what life choices disqualify you. well strestman, if you dont want to pay for other people's health care, then dont buy insurance. pay for everything out of pocket and you wont have to worry who you insurance dollar were going to (as if its a fucking tax that you cant avoid).

strestman you truely are a pompous asshole

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