Calling All Suckers: East Village Snake-Oil Factory Selling Tap Water For $2.50 A Glass
|Good news, idiots: $2.50 bottles of tap water are now available.|
We're not sure what's more unsettling: the fact that an East Village business is selling tap water for $2.50 a bottle, or that countless idiots will probably buy it.
That's right, a "water cafe" called "Molecule" is now open for business right around the corner from the Voice's East Village abode that's offering filtered tap water for the (ahem) bargain price of $2.50 a bottle.
If you think selling tap water for $2.50 a bottle is a crock of shit, just wait -- there's more: according to the "cafe's" website, a combination of certain vitamins that you can add to your pricey bottle of tap water (for an additional fee, of course), will help you with that "night vision" you've so desperately desired since Marvel Comics made you believe seeing in the dark was an attainable super power.
So, why would you need such an advanced process of water filtration? Well, you wouldn't -- but according to the company...:
MANY FOODS AND DRINKS CAUSE OUR BODY'S PH TO BECOME ACIDIC, WHICH CAN LEAD TO HEALTH CONCERNS. ALKALINIZE YOUR WATER TO HELP COUNTERACT THIS IMBALANCE.
"ELECTROLYTES: HELP YOUR BODY RE-HYDRATE AND GET BACK INTO ELECTRICAL BALANCE WITH THESE POSITIVE IONS, ESSENTIAL FOR NORMAL CELL FUNCTION."
from "night vision," one of the other miracles "Molecule" provides is
a "fountain of youth" elixir, which consists of tap water, vitamins C
and E, and green tea.
Additionally, if you're in need of that perfect tap water before a big photo shoot, you should try the company's "glamor shot" combo, which consists of a potpourri of "plant extracts, minerals, and vitamins [that] combine to help your outer layer look smooth and strong."
If the pricey tap-water biz takes off, "Molecule" might want to consider investing in some bovine -- anyone dumb enough to pay $2.50 for a bottle of tap water might also be interested in a steaming glass of bullshit.