Here Is The Best (Or Worst) Relationship Resume. And Yes, Relationship Resumes Are a Thing
And ladies: Thank the Internet for Dillon Casey, and start lining up to meet this keyboard Casanova.
The self-professed "nerd in a jocks body" ("that's why I'm always beating myself up") is looking for a"fun girl with a great sense of humor. It doesn't have to be anything serious, but if something happens organically then hey - that's just great! I'm open to casual dating and physical experimentation as well (with the opposite sex). This includes having two or more partners at the same time, however I cannot guarantee satisfaction for all parties involved."
So what else is on Dillon's dating resume?
Listed under "experience," Dillon apparently has been "SINGLE, ACTIVELY DATING DEC 2010-PRESENT."
In May, he had "a very pleasant date," however "the chemistry was not there."
"I politely informed the girl via text that it was not going to work out," he said.
Then, he "met a girl at a 'lounge-like' club in LA and had an awkward hook-up. In spite of a very fun morning and a good breakfast, I never heard from her again."
Sadly, Dillon thought he had great chemistry with a young actress, "however was told that I have no transition from 'goof-ball' mode to 'seduction-mode' and thus ended up in the friend zone. We are still on good terms."
And what about his longer-term relationships, you might ask?
SUZANNE MASTERS, TORONTO JUNE 10 2010-NOVEMBER 15 2010
-A very nice, drama free relationship
-Highlights include a great trip to New York City, and a very fun birthday party
-No games played, however I was somewhat boring as I was in a rebound mode. This was unfair to the
other party involved.
-Ultimately I was dumped when I admittedly unfairly was discovered to be hung up on an 'ex'. The dumping was fully warranted and we are still on good terms.
-We still keep in touch on facebook and I have even been to a party of hers
Of course, as tends to happen with matters of the heart, there's always the one who got away, and that seems to be the case with a woman named Katrina Dobbin. They made their acquaintance at McGill University and dated from 2002 to 2005.
-Very solid, respectful, fun relationship
-Gorgeous girl and out of respect we went our separate ways due to long distance/youth upon my graduation from University
-Still on great terms: probably the relationship I am most proud of
Even Dillon -- as totally normal as he seems -- has had a bad bout with crazy.
The chronology doesn't quite make sense ("JULY 1 2011-JUNE 2010, TORONTO") but no matter: His relationship with Mary Connors is described as "barely considered a relationship, yet started with some great chemistry."
"I was more into her than she was into me," he said, which "led to extreme game playing and intense erratic behavior on my part: including a facebook blocking, a twitter following/unfollowing, re-adding of facebook friends, waiting absurd amounts of days between texts, cryptic text messages, promises of "surprises" (to get her to date me), and some extreme moments of weakness."
He's "still not even sure where we stand."
Women, if you're worried that Dillon doesn't have the educational background or skills, fear not: he's read the Art of Seduction, though he swears it's "simply for entertainment purposes."
Also, he's "very good with dogs which most women ﬁnd cute. I raised a female dog named Maggie to the ripe old age of 16. Most people agree she was a very good dog, if not the best. I would only get a female dog in the future."
He's even got references, such as Anastasia Markowitz. She's a "very good friend who's also a girl (which says I'm down with girls and not a chauvinist)."
We reached out to Dillon -- who's on CBC's "Vampire Diaries" and is also a comedian -- in hopes of him confirming that this resume is a hoax, or a masterful piece of satire, or maybe performance art -- and not like, a real relationship resume.
We'll update if we hear back.
(H/T Andy Boyle.)
Follow Victoria Bekiempis @vicbekiempis.