I Just Drank 100 Ounces Of Mt. Dew In 90 Minutes. Screw You, Mike Bloomberg

mebiggulp.jpg
Attention, Mike Bloomberg: you're not the boss of me!
Mayor Mike Bloomberg's dopey "Big-Gulp Ban" was approved by a city health council this morning -- which means one thing: a sophomoric, unhealthy and immature gesture needs to be made on someone's part.

That said, I have just finished my 100th ounce of Mt. Dew in roughly 90 minutes. I'm pretty sure my heart's about to explode and I'm fairly certain I've given myself diabetes -- all in the spirit of civil rights, of course.

Some people (read: no people) might consider my stand against soda-bullying heroic -- certainly Gandhi and Dr. King took similar stands against ruthless oppression. But my intention is not be lauded as a hero, it's simply to point out that Bloomberg's ban is a stupid idea that will do nothing to prevent obesity, which is the mayor's intention.

First and foremost, I don't even like Mt. Dew. Hate it, actually -- it's a color that doesn't appear anywhere in nature and tastes like citrus-y cat piss. But as far health risks go, it's about as bad as it gets.

For further reading on Bloomberg's ban, visit our Nanny-State of Mind Archives.
That said, you can buy 50 ounces of it for less than two bucks at any 7-Eleven. Under Bloomberg's ban, you will still be able to buy 50 ounces of it for less than two bucks at any 7-Eleven. However, you would only be able to buy it in a 16 ounce container at the pizza place located directly next door, which has restaurant owners worried about losing revenue to businesses not subject to the ban.

Makes complete sense -- if you're a fucking idiot.

As I mentioned, I currently feel like I'm about to die -- this crap has given me a brutal headache, my stomach is in knots from the enormous amount of sugar I just dumped into it, and I'm as jittery as a crackhead who couldn't score any rock. Needless to say, I will not be drinking 100 ounces of Mt. Dew again anytime soon. And that's because I'm a grownup.

One of the many advantages to being an adult is not having to listen to people who want to tell you what you can and can't eat. If I want cupcakes and beer for breakfast, I eat cupcakes and drink beer for breakfast. I then deal with the consequences -- like the sugar-induced seizure I'm approaching right now -- and learn from any mistakes (like drinking 100 ounces of Mt. Dew in 90 minutes).

Bottom line: Bloomberg's ban will do nothing to curb obesity -- it will only hurt businesses and piss off people who don't need an elderly billionaire to wipe their asses for them.

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22 comments
predictorm9
predictorm9

This is the wrong fight. You believe that by drinking some Mountain Dew you defend your right? But what about your liberty of having cheap vegetables and fruits? How about having that as a civil liberty? All you fight for is the right for Monsanto to make bigger profits on you. Pretty cool indeed...

garcia_rani
garcia_rani

It's called freedom!!!!! This man is just making a statement that our government is trying to control what we eat and drink and you all are ok with this??  

smilei12
smilei12

AGREED!!!!!! You look and sound like a tool and I didn't like your article at all. You literary, like that guy said, lost all credibility with this one. You proved NOTHING by drinking that much Mt Dew in 90 minutes except to yourself with the hyperglycemic affect your just caused on your body. Good luck with that. 

dpendragon
dpendragon

You've just lost your credibility, if you ever had any.  Grow up, dude!

LucyStag
LucyStag

@max_read I salute the heroic immaturity. But then Gawker's soda ban blog was totally shitty. Good thing you didn't write it.

frantaclaus
frantaclaus

@max_read better or worse than "5 racist observations about crown heights"

jordansarge
jordansarge

@max_read oh man, that's soooo what james king would look like, too. "james king" central casting.

Jethro
Jethro

I'm glad they banned giant sodas.  This nation is full of fat asses.

billyjoe
billyjoe

James...you're behind the times. You were supposed to drink some of the Dew then refill the bottle with a can of Red Bull.

vito33
vito33

YaHOOOOOOO! Mountain Dew! "Citrus-y cat piss" is absolutely fantastic.

Big-Gulp
Big-Gulp

James it's a violation of our civil liberties and Bloomberg won

AZgunnut
AZgunnut

Good for you downing those soft drinks. Now you should do something really smart like go out, buy a hand gun and tell Bloomberg to kiss your butt because self defense in an American right.

jonathan.nyc
jonathan.nyc topcommenter

James King, I'm older than you.

 

I am so old, I remember when the Village Voice writers were adults. 

Lee_
Lee_

I'm going to bring 2 liters of Mountain Dew to your funeral, and pour one out for a fallen homey after you die of diabetic-cancer next week.

 

max_read
max_read

@frantaclaus dont make me choose! "five black people i am scared of" didnt feature a picture of him giving the finger, so

randlechris
randlechris

@jordansarge @max_read Categories: Epic Rants, James King, Nanny-State Of Mind

frantaclaus
frantaclaus

@max_read true, true, but this one is lacking in stereotypes, i dunno, so hard to pick

frantaclaus
frantaclaus

@max_read I used to love those tags and now they've been sullied :(

max_read
max_read

@frantaclaus does it help to know that this one is in the category "epic rants"

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