The 12 Months of Crazy: Rightbloggers' Greatest Hits of 2012

tomt200.jpgIt's been a hell of a year for conservatives, so naturally it's been a flaming, bloody hell of a year for our subjects the rightbloggers.

If this is the sort of thing that gladdens your heart, then sit by the fire and let us brighten your holiday season by reviewing, month by month, the rightblogger calendar of failure in 2012:

January: Charles Murray gives proletariat lessons

It had been a long time since Murray's most famous book Niggers are Stupid The Bell Curve made him a conservative hero, so he was overdue for another big score. In January 2012 he released Coming Apart, which explained that economic differences between classes of white people (black people he'd long ago given up on) had nothing to do with trickle-down economics or the exportation of blue-collar jobs, but were instead about culture: Poor whites stopped making a decent wage on account of they were living in sin, and also lazy, because The Sixties.

"The best thing that the new upper class can do to provide that reinforcement" low-class proles needed to reform themselves "is to drop its condescending 'nonjudgmentalism,'" Murray told readers of the Wall Street Journal. "...When it comes to marriage and the work ethic, the new upper class must start preaching what it practices." To this end Murray circulated a quiz to show his proposed upper-class evangelists how little they knew about the rednecks they'd be called upon to educate: "Have you ever had a close friend who was an evangelical Christian?" and "Have you ever watched an Oprah, Dr. Phil, or Judge Judy show all the way through?" were among the questions.

Puzzling as this test would be for ordinary people of whatever class, it was a perfect Rorschach for rightbloggers, who bragged on the evidence it gave that they knew all about the common man, or sulked when it showed that their taste was too highbrow or their beer too fancy. The big brains at Power Line giddily compared scores ("I have watched one full episode of Oprah: the episode in the 2000 campaign when George W. Bush was on"); David French at National Review boasted of his ("If my father weren't a professor, I would have been nearly-perfect on the 'keepin' it real' scale"); Ilya Somin of The Volokh Conspiracy was pissed he scored low and sniffed, "I would also have achieved a higher score if there were more sports-related questions."

In retrospect, this turned out to be a harbinger of the conservative collapse in 2012, as the defection of ordinary Americans from their cause left rightbloggers stumped -- how could they lose, after cramming so hard for the test?

February: The Ft. Sumter of the War on Women

While Mitt Romney was duking it out with Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and other such Presidential timber for the GOP nomination, rightbloggers were mostly engaged in another contest: Penis vs. Vagina. They were strong supporters of the former, and very, very, very strong opponents of the latter.

When the Susan G. Komen for the Cure withdrew support from Planned Parenthood, the firestorm so badly battered the foundation that it seemed rightbloggers were its only remaining friends. They were also among the few supporters of the Virginia GOP legislators who wanted women who went for abortions to be forced to have wands shoved up inside them. And when everyone else was disgusted by Rush Limbaugh's attacks on the then little-known Sandra Fluke, rightbloggers cheered lustily, or with whatever they have instead of lust.

That some people disagreed with them made rightbloggers angry and defensive. At the Wall Street Journal, James Taranto offered this interesting defense: "Contemporary feminism is, as we recently argued, a totalitarian ideology, by which we mean one that tolerates no divergence between the personal and the political. If you are not a feminist, you can enjoy a lifestyle of sexual freedom and also take seriously the idea that sexual freedom is bad for society. If you are a feminist, that is a thoughtcrime." Which is rather like saying that if a black conservative endorsed civil rights for himself but not for other black people, that'd be cool, but any black person who took offense would be a totalitarian.

At National Review Andrew C. McCarthy raged against the contraception mandate: "If there were enough months in the year, you could have two second-trimester abortions for less than I spend on pizza -- to say nothing of flat-screen TVs, iPods, X-boxes and the scores of other extravagances that the 'poor' in America manage to score without government mandates." Looks like McCarthy had a vision of Moocher Bitches and the Moocher Poor banding together to reelect Obama; if National Review goes under, maybe he can get a job in a carnival as a fortune teller.

March: Trayvon Martin revives the old Ooga-Booga

As we've seen, rightbloggers have adopted the idea that America's black people serve as shock troops for Barack Obama and international socialism, and will riot and kill Whitey at his command. This belief guides them toward a foregone conclusion any time a black person and a white person are in conflict -- as was shown when George Zimmerman shot dead an unarmed Trayvon Martin.

Along with a general presumption that the gunless black kid had it coming, there were attempts to divert the blame to the black community, who were presumed to be the real racists. Jonah Goldberg of National Review told us that the high-class black people who complained about Martin's death "are as removed from lower class black America as many white commentators are from lower class white America," an insight Goldberg proudly announced he'd gotten from Charles Murray. Goldberg added that "more whites are killed by blacks than blacks killed by whites," the relevance of which to the Martin case, best as we can make out, might be that black people owed white people a freebie.

When people reacted badly to this kind of talk, rightbloggers pouted that black people didn't "get" them. Dan Riehl, for instance, was deeply wounded by "the race-based ignorance of so many blacks I'm seeing in attacking me, when they should be criticizing the media, instead... Their minds haven't been freed, all that's changed is the owners of the plantation." Amazingly, black people weren't convinced by this line of argument to vote Republican -- which was further proof of their racism.

Pay attention. Someday you're going to have to explain this to your kids.
April: Obama eats dogs!

Sometimes rightbloggers promote conservative ideas that have some traction with the general population. But sometimes they embrace notions that have no meaning outside their bubble. When the Daily Caller's Jim Treacher noticed a passage in Dreams From My Father in which Obama mentioned eating dog meat while in Indonesia, Treacher teased it out, and for days it was all any rightblogger could talk about.

Some of the brethren pretended outrage: "If these liars on the left really cared about dogs like they claim they do," spurted Donald Douglas, "they'd be even more upset at Obama than they would at Romney," who had after all only strapped a dog to the roof of a car. But most used it as a joke -- "joke" in this case meaning a strenuous effort to replicate the human custom of "humor," which the brethren believe to be a tool of Alinsky subversion they must learn to use in order to loosen the death-grip Democrats hold on America's funnybone.

Among the more prolific comedians was Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit, who sent out several dispatches like this one: "DOG-GATE: Joe Scarborough Loses It Laughing Over News That Obama Has Eaten Dog Meat. Somehow I'm reminded of the mutant dad in The Hills Have Eyes: 'What's the matter? Dog not good enough for ya?' Related: Dreams From My Schnauzer... Heh. This just keeps getting funnier." If you're not laughing it's because you're a communist.

May: Obama backs gay marriage

When President Obama backed gay marriage, rightbloggers thought: Aha! we've tied Obama to the females and the blacks; now he's picking up gays! Romney's sure to win!

Actually a lot of them seemed less sanguine than that -- not because they feared America would be harmed by gay marriage (come on, did anyone ever believe that?), but because it was beginning to dawn on them that the usual hate-all-minorities schtick was not the draw it used to be, and that Obama was surfing the tide of history.

Catholic rightblogger The Anchoress harrumphed, "I dare say it's the Catholics who are saying the most interesting, compelling and thoughtful things about homosexuality, life, love and faith right now," and then ran a tape of some guy who went on about how gays are "more intensely loved by God than most others," because they are "victim souls" who "suffer in a way more exacting than the rest of us" with "the cross of homosexuality."

If you found that "interesting, compelling and thoughtful," you'll love Aaron Goldstein of The American Spectator, who claimed Obama was actually planning to lose the election and use gay marriage as his excuse, "to position him[self] for a comeback in 2016 or 2020... By that time with a greater presence of voters born after 1980 chances are there will be more voters in favor of gay marriage which would give Obama an opportunity to claim he was ahead of the curve." Yet another Obama failure, alas; he's probably kicking himself for not backing polygamy instead.

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