Big Deaths, Bad Titles: Die Hard Lives On

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John McClane sneering at the title of the newest Die Hard film


You won't be able to tell, superficially, that Bruce Willis has aged--his level of baldness has remained unchanged since the mid-90s--but there are some signs of wear and tear on the newest, fifth iteration of the long-running Die Hard series, in which Willis stars as detective John McClane. While 1988's Die Hard and 1990's Die Hard 2: Die Harder sported titles that were tight and a little angry--exactly how we want our action heroes--the series appears to have gotten a little bloated in its middle age. The most recent film is called A Good Day to Die Hard. What does that even mean? When exactly is anyone ready to be dead? In the spirit of snark, we present McClane's most spectacular kills from the franchise so far, accompanied by new titles even worse than the dead-on A Good Day to Die Hard.

Die Hard (1988)

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No Die Hard slideshow would be complete without the death of German terrorist Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), who falls off the side of Nakatomi Tower on Christmas Eve at the end of the first film. Due to Gruber's mod-era mop of hair and nighttime demise, we suggest that the original Die Hard film be given the Beatles-inspired subtitle A Hard Day's Night to Die Hard.


Die Hard 2: Die Harder

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In the second Die Hard movie, South American dictator General Ramon Esperanza (Franco Nero) of fictitious Val Verde loses all hope (see what we did there? Esperanza is Spanish for 'hope.') of escaping U.S. custody and punishment for his war crimes when McClane explodes the plane Esperanza had hijacked. Such a catastrophic end deserves the title The Day Before Dying Hard Tomorrow.


Die Hard With a Vengeance

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Katya, not screaming


The third film in the franchise ends with yet another burning aeronautical vehicle--this time, a helicopter. Inside are Hans Gruber, Simon's younger brother, and his lover/partner-in-crime Katya (Sam Phillips), who is Ukrainian and mute. Which means there is no screaming from Katya when McClane shoots a wire that catches in the helicopter blades and sends it plummeting. In honor of Katya's death and her inability to make a fuss about it, we suggest the alternate movie title A Long Die Hard's Journey Into Night.


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