The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant: Replete With Dick Jokes, Little Else [sort of NSFW]
The bar is unbearably hot. The eveningwear portion (read: jockstraps with bowties on them) has just concluded. Dozens of high-powered digital cameras are trained on the platform at the front of the room. The room is at capacity; about 20 people standing outside in the 100-degree heat are jostling each other at the door for a view.
The view of the stage from outside, where everyone went to escape the smell.
The loudspeaker goes live. "Can you play jumprope with your titties? Can you queef the alphabet? Nobody's here to see that shit!" Chicken Bitches, a drag queen in a rainbow mumu heading the proceedings, grabs the mic and announces that the talent portion of the first annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant is now underway.
The contest was dreamed up by Kings County Bar manager Aimee Arciuolo after a satisfying night spent with a man endowed with unusually meager proportions. The point was to dispel the myth that less is less, though this Saturday afternoon in Bushwick only ever walks the line between spectacle and celebration, never quite crossing over from the former to the latter.
Arciuolo, porn star Gogo Harder, and burlesque dancer Cherry Pitts form the judge's panel.
One by one, each of the six contestants takes the stage. Most of the costumes show off the only entrance requirement for the contest: a very little dick.
None of the contestants give their real names. Instead they each have a stage name: Perrywinkle, Sugar Daddy, Rip Van Dinkle, The Delivery Man (his dick was in a box), Flo-Rida (different guy), and Zigounette, a recent arrival to Brooklyn from France.
The talent portion begins. Perrywinkle, a hirsute young man in a light blue tutu and a gold Janus mask, does "interpretive dance" to Blink-182's "All the Small Things." Sugar Daddy gyrates in a tearaway graduation gown to LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It." A drunk Zigounette sings the French national anthem then drops trou.
The Delivery Man emerges as an early favorite, lighting up the crowd with a small-penis-themed stand-up routine, complete with a Kim Jong-Un-compensating-with-giant-rockets gag.