Dispatches from Craigslist: This Guy's Too Busy to Run His Own Online Dating Profile

Photo Credit: Valentina_A via Compfight cc

My name is Raillan. I saw your ad on Craigslist about finding someone to managing your online dating profile. I'm writing because I think I'm the one for the job.

You're a busy guy! I can relate. And women, am I right? It's an exciting opportunity to be a shield between you and all those women seeking genuine intimate connection. Seriously, who needs that?

Any man who spends so much time at work that he can't operate his own E-Harmony profile and thinks so many women will want to date him that he has to cap the number of dates to four a week obviously deserves to find a girlfriend he won't have time for. What a catch!

I'm a whiz with Google documents. I'm quick, efficient, and comfortable reducing an individual to a cell in a spreadsheet. Streamlined solutions that ignore the totality of a person, I always say!


Knowing who's the right match is tricky. Lucky for you I have that intuition, and in spades. Within one meeting I'll know just what you're looking for, and before you know it you'll have found a person to slot into your clearly already overcommitted life who you can ask for sex at your convenience.

I'm an excellent writer, and can convincingly portray you as a desirable, dependable mate. E-Harmony profiles are no match for the power of my prose! Don't think billboard. More like a subtle, blossoming essay on modern urban love by Chuck Palahniuk. The ladies will be knocking down your Internet door, begging to be objectified and neglected.

More importantly, I can craft the ultimate website message. Not too pushy, charming, the right degree of casual. Some secret sauce :). and BAM. I'll be herding dates into your little black book in no time.

Hey there. I'm Raillan. I like your profile. What's going on.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Send your story tips to the author, Raillan Brooks.

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Kimberly Boehringer
Kimberly Boehringer

Ok so it goes something like hi I am Raillan and I rely on the wit of your words as I am a nerd. I may not manage time but I am sure upon reading this rhyme you will respond in kind and do it for me. Please choose the right girl and I will give it a whirl, I am after all on these sites! Please keep out the crazies because I am cheap and I'm lazy and I won't pay you extra for the no contact order. But don't tell any of the ladies that last part.

Joseph Parks
Joseph Parks

I seriously hope that isn't real. That managed to be more depressing than all of the reading I did this morning on the latest Congolese politics.

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