Rightbloggers Wish America a Miserable War on Christmas, Again
But though sheer habit and a taste for proven clickbait may be what keeps rightbloggers on the WoC beat, you have to hand it to them: They still find ways to keep it fresh. And by "fresh" we mean ridiculous.
This year's War on Christmas action has been at least as crazy as that of previous years. In recent days, for example, we've had Fox anchor Megyn Kelly's bizarre assertion of Santa's (and Jesus') whiteness and Jon Stewart's uncivil rejoinder. Then there's this weird screaming-laughing little girl video which no one can say for sure isn't a parody.
But these are mostly offhand gestures, idle swats at a persistent cloud of gnats; the Christmas Warriors are as consistent and focused as ever, and as the WoC heads into its second decade may have even gotten better at stirring things up.
Wait a minute -- since when does the New York Times print the truth?
TownHall, for instance, got the ball rolling way back in November, with a "War on Christmas Starts Early" story that turned out to be about internet sales tax proposals supported by big-box stores. "That's right," announced TownHall's Dan Holler, "the retail industry is targeting online Christmas shopping."
Hundreds of non-War-on-Christmas related words later, Holler, apparently realizing he needed a WoC button, decided to throw in Obamacare for a triple wingnut word score: "As Barack Obama's signature legislative achievement (and presidency) continues to crumble before our eyes, proponents of this tax plan are continuing to work quietly behind the scenes. Conservatives must ensure the tax-schemers do not play the role of the Grinch who stole Christmas." This man will never miss a meal!
Glenn Beck's The Blaze maintains a regular War on Christmas beat, on which reporters file stories such as "Satanists Join Atheists in Quest to Combat Christian Nativity at Florida Capitol." Right Wing News keeps the subject top of mind by asking readers to take a War on Christmas survey, with questions like "Do you believe public schools should be allowed to sing Christmas carols if they want?" The responses are unsurprising.
And mainstream conservatives treat the War with growing seriousness. Last summer Texas passed a "Merry Christmas Bill," which will "allow students and district staff to offer traditional greetings regarding the celebrations, including 'Merry Christmas,' 'Happy Hanukkah,' and" -- for you communists -- "'happy holidays.'" Bill sponsor Texas Values claimed the new law was necessary because some schools had prohibited kids from passing out Jesus stuff to other students. The law also authorizes schools to put up Christmas trees and nativity scenes, and also other religious items, in case you want your children to distribute Wiccan Flash Cards or something.
The Oklahoma House is working on a similar bill now, as are legislators in Louisiana, New Jersey, and Alabama. Baby Jesus is even winning at the federal level -- this month, Roll Call reports, the U.S. House Administration Committee ruled that "effective immediately, Members may include incidental holiday greetings in their official constituent communications." That means Merry Christmas can be all over your Congressman's next look-what-I-done-for-you newsletter.
With Republicans quickly passing laws for Merry Christmas, you'd think the War would be considered won and done. But rightbloggers can't give it up -- because for them, so long as someone, real or imaginary, is aggressively refusing to accept Jesus as the Reason for the Season, the war isn't over.
Which is to say, the War will go on as long as there are liberals, because in the rightblogger imagination liberals hate Christmas and plot its demise. Polls as well as common sense suggest that's not true, but empirical evidence doesn't mean much compared with the psychological truth that when rightbloggers really like something, like Santa Claus, liberty, or looking at women's breasts, they must assume that liberals despise it.
A classic case is Sabrepoint, which attributed liberal hatred of Christmas to the influence of "Italian Communist, Antonio Gramsci," and suggested "one of the best ways to combat the Gramscian war on Christmas is to wish everyone you meet a a Merry Christmas! And if someone is 'offended' by this? TOUGH."
That's putting the "fuck you" back in Christmas! Sabrepoint wasn't the only one. The Republican National Congressional Committee offered "Happy Holidays is What Liberals Say" t-shirts and mugs. "Say Merry Christmas and annoy a Liberal," cheered Red State. (You can get that whole column read to you in a robot voice here.) Rare.us put up a "10 things to get your liberal friend for Christmas," which included "Soap, because sometimes Democrats are just plain filthy" and "Antibiotics. Because, apparently, casual sex is what sells Obamacare." Ho ho ho.
Moonbattery ran video of an apparent Muslim fundamentalist preacher denouncing Christmas and drew this logical connection: "Obviously these words must be stricken from the language lest a Muslim be offended, right moonbats? According to the liberal doctrine of relativism, this malevolent kook's ravings are as morally profound as anything in the Bible." "Simply beautiful! Fox News' Brit Hume scored once again with that hilarious Photoshop," kvelled Twitchy about a picture of a Christmas tree farm that charged more for "holiday trees" than for "Christmas trees." "It has been retweeted nearly 900 times and counting," reported Twitchy. "Most liberals hate Christmas for the following reasons," joshed John W. Lillpop, "The real messiah was born 1961 years after Christ in a mud hut somewhere in a Kenyan village just a few thousand miles outside of Honolulu..."
Beating up liberals makes the brethren festive; witness the parody song at IMAO, "12 Government Approved Days of Inclusive Non-Patriarchal Winter Holidays," which trades out the familiar gifts for things like "12 'Occupy' Drummers Drumming," "8 Welfare Recipients-a-Milking," and our favorite, "4 Benghazi Dead." Move over, Elmo & Patsy!
Another sure-fire War on Christmas starter is the Anecdote of Oppression, whereby some anti-Christmas outrage involving Jesus-free greetings or cancelled carols gets force-multiplied across the internet.
Thus, a creche getting moved from one part of an Air Force base to another to comply with regulations became "Air Force Kicks Baby Jesus off Base" in the hands of TownHall's Todd Starnes. Starnes quoted Sarah Palin, currently peddling a book about how liberals hate Christmas: "We see stories like this every day," Palin said, "and yet leftwing pundits still claim that the so-called 'War on Christmas' is a figment of the imagination..." "Apparently if you are ever in trouble and need a quick response from the Pentagon, tell them a plastic Baby Jesus is at the gates," a flak from the Liberty Institute told Starnes, to which Starnes rejoined, "Maybe that's what they should've done in Benghazi."