Here are Ten Terrifying New York Housing Stories to Mess Up Your Day

2. Wild Kingdom:

Used to live in a five bedroom basement apartment in Alphabet City. It was gross, and dark, and damp. We kept it very clean though, and the rent was absurdly cheap so I was willing to put up with literally anything, including:

Lots and lots of wolf spiders. Wolf spiders in the bed, wolf spiders in your shoes, wolf spiders crawling on naked girlfriend's back as she slept.

A thousand times more of those whiskery centipedes. We got used to those and just let them live to help us out against the...

Massive waterbug infestation. Every. Single. Morning. I would hunt and kill a huge cockroach before taking a shower. But that was fine by comparison because...

A rat died in the bathroom ceiling, it wasn't the first (we'll get to that later), but it led to...

A huge infestation of maggots dropping out of the bathroom ceiling fan on naked female roommate as she was about to get into the shower. Those weren't the only larva in the bathroom though, at another point we had these really long thin worms attacking our toilet brush.

Unstoppable regular cockroaches everywhere. Every single appliance would have tiny dead cockroaches in the little LED screen. We were like "fuck it" though because you can only kill so many bugs in a day.

Then there was the rat invasion. Somehow rats managed to work their way into the walls of the apartment from the front of the building. We'd hear them running across the ceiling, fucking, fighting, etc. I'll always remember the Beijing Olympics as being punctuated by the screams of a constant rat orgy. Then the exterminator came, and then we had a solid New York summer of decomposing rat smell.

And yet, despite all this the place remained populated (not by me, but by other roommates) all the way up until Sandy took it out.

Appropriate reaction: Sheldon hyperventilating Big Bang Theory

1. Oh dear God:

I had neighbor a few years ago. It was an older woman who apparently let a war vet stay with her some 2 years before I moved in, but he was only supposed to be there for "a few weeks".

Well I frequently told my landlord about the very wrong noises, shouts, screams coming from the apartment. Sometimes so loud I'd leave my apartment to go to the bar and I could still hear the sounds all the way down the block. Moans, yelps, "fuck me, fuck you", whimpers... very disturbing stuff.

The cops would sometimes spend an hour or more when they'd get called trying to get in, or get the guy in question out. I watched him take on 12 officers in a scuffle outside our doors in the hallway, him spitting, swinging, yelling "I'll KILL you!" usually followed by "Just KILL me!"... Always with the same end result. Dude getting put on a gurney and mask looking like Hannibal.

After almost 2 years of living next to this, the landlord got eviction granted. The woman was taken to the psych ward and put under suicide watch and some family of hers was contacted. Apparently the war-vet was physically and mentally torturing her and another war-vet that was a quadriplegic. Blood letting, drugs, fucked up fetishes... the dirt/disease and stench of the place when they finally started clearing it out... My landlord likened it to "Up the river in Apocalypse Now" in terms of depravity.

After that the roaches largely left the building and now there is a nice family living there.

Appropriate reaction: That one is too terrible for a funny GIF. Never mind. We're very sorry for ruining your morning.


Advertisement

My Voice Nation Help
1 comments
Aaliyah21215
Aaliyah21215

All The Rats Everywhere had to have been the funniest damn story ever!

Now Trending

New York Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...