Well, this is heartening terrifying news for anyone who plans on traveling through JFK in the near future. A woman got through security in Terminal 5 with a dagger in her bag, the New York Post reported. Nope, TSA people, you weren't hallucinating à la Macbeth. It was an actual antique dagger, which the woman, 26-year-old Gabrielle Olsen of Washington Heights, told police was given to her by her father for protection.

And it's not like Olsen hadn't caught the TSA's eye. Before the TSA noticed the dagger they confiscated a bottle of liquid from Olsen. Then -- after she passed through the checkpoint -- they noticed the pointy thing on "a screening-machine X-ray."

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You know how annoying it is when you have to take off your shoes and your belt at the airport and then security touches you, and you just feel kind of uncomfortable? Well, Sen. Chuck Schumer feels your pain, and he hopes to make it a lot easier for passengers to complain.

With a new legislation proposal, Schumer is responding to some incidents that were actually a bit more serious than an uncomfortable touch. In December, three elderly women came forward with claims that they were strip-searched by Transportation Security Administration officers at JFK airport -- and recent reports allege that TSA officials have inappropriately harassed women passing through security.

Let's take Lenore Zimmerman, for example. She's a tiny, 85-year-old Long Island grandmother who says she was brought into a private room and forced to take off her clothes on her way to a flight to Fort Lauderdale.

Or Ruth Sherman, 88, who said that TSA agents made her strip so they could inspect her colostomy bag.

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Have a bunch of spare change that you've left in your drawer or in a bag under your bed, waiting for that rainy day (or a clear, sunny day, because that would be better for transportation purposes) in which you are so bored that you decide to lug it to a CoinStar machine and get real, spendable dollars for it? Wait no longer. Instead of lugging it to the CoinStar, put it in your pockets and head out for JFK airport. (Wear a belt, coins are heavy.) When you arrive at security, along with taking off your shoes, turning over your snowglobe, uncasing your laptop and putting it in its individual bin, and all of the other things you do, put your spare change in a bin as well. Then, set it and forget it! Or, collect your items except for the change and go on your merry way to West Palm Beach, Florida.

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If you take a little gander at the White House website today, you'll notice a petition regarding the TSA. Specifically, regarding the possible abolition of the TSA, which is very unlikely to happen. The petition is titled "Abolish the TSA, and use its monstrous budget to fund more sophisticated, less intrusive counter-terrorism intelligence," and nearly all the signatures seem to be coming from Reddit.

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• We're hearing that JFK's American Airlines terminal has been evacuated as officials investigate a suspicious package apparently left in a business class lounge by a man who boarded a flight to San Francisco. A bomb squad has been called after a bomb-sniffing dog alerted authorities to the bag. Update: An all-clear has been given. [NBC NY]

• Donald Trump has been ordered by a Florida judge to return a $200,000 membership fee to Harry Theodoracopulos, 77, a man he kicked out of the club for being "verbally abusive" to caddies and talking too loudly on the course. Trump will appeal. [NYDN]

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If going through airport security was, for a short time, your favorite means of getting a glimpse of some fellow human's nude body, think again! TSA is onto you. Contrary to popular belief, they don't like looking at you nude, and they don't think you should look at anyone else nude, either. Thus, as they battle the forces of terrorism throughout our great country, they have replaced the "explicit 'person-specific images'" revealed by full-body scanners with a generic image of the distinctly 1-dimensional, flat, sexless person missing not only genitalia but also a nose at right.

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Hours of airport fun!

In a bizarre coincidence (some might even call it a "trend"), the New York Post notes that a mere two days after a stun gun was discovered in the back pocket of seat 9B of a JetBlue flight that had landed at Newark, two stun guns were found at JFK, this time in the luggage of a New Jersey restaurateur. Othon Mourkakos, who is 53, was headed to Frankfurt via a Lufthansa flight when a sharp-eyed Terminal One TSA screener noticed the guns in his bag. Mourkakos said the guns were for relatives in Greece and that he "didn't know it was illegal in New York." Seriously, though. How many times have you seen that damn sign saying snow globes are illegal -- and not a one about stun guns! Come on, TSA. Help us help you. [NYP]

The FBI is looking into a stun gun found on a JetBlue flight from Boston to Newark, New Jersey, but a spokesman says it probably wasn't for a terrorist attack. That seems obvious considering it was found only after the plane was emptied, as the crew was cleaning and pulled it from a seat-back pocket, and it did not appear to have been fired. Police removed it and gave it to the Transportation Security Administration to look into, which doesn't make much sense considering they let it on in the first place.

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That bikini trick may not work this time.

As if you didn't have enough to worry about in life, your TSA pat-downs are about to get even more intimate after new intelligence has revealed that terrorists once again want to put bombs in their own bodies so as to ruin all of our fun this summer. Assholes. Thus, you may expect closer pat-downs, stricter security, more annoying lines, and all the related sturm und drang -- suntan lotion should not be over 3.4 ounces! -- as you await travel away from the tri-state area. There's no specific plot, but, via NBC New York, you must expect the unexpected.

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We've seen the uncomfortable situation that can arise when a 6-year-old gets patted down in the airport, and already Congress has said they are reviewing the incident. But it's not a one-off -- across generations people have increasingly expressed opposition to what they see as invasive airport searches, and now a famous voice is speaking out. Susie Castillo, Miss USA 2003, filmed the tearful video above after opting for a pat-down instead of risking the radiation of a full-body scanner. "I do feel violated," Castillo says from the Dallas airport. "This woman, she touched my vagina four times."

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