Good afternoon. Or, should I say, ¡buenas tardes!

As you all know, there has been a bit of confusion about my whereabouts since Thursday. I have to admit, I'm flattered by all the attention from the liberal elite media. Never has the New York Times been so concerned with my well-being.

Luckily I don't answer to them, or to that gay guy on CNN or that lesbian chick on MSNBC, but rather to the freedom-loving American people, who understand that without our fine young men and women of the armed forces, I would never have been able to take a vacation to Argentina or the Appalachian trail. So, above all else, I want to thank the troops. Without them, there would be no Father's Day...

I return from my trip to what feels like a police state, with government officials and the media questioning my every move. I now understand what life is like for our Iranian brothers and sisters. And like those green revolutionaries, I will not be pressured into conforming to some so-called "supreme" leader or Fidel Castro or Hugo Chavez's idea of what a vacation should be.

Do we really want to live in an America where we can't take a simple vacation? The America I love would be relieved that the governor of a state wasn't actually hiking alone nude. That's sick! And the honest folk of the great state of South Carolina know it. Barack Obama and his friend David Letterman can try to twist this into something sordid, but the American people are too smart. The American people know that, no matter where I am, I'm always an American first.

Thank you, God bless, and now, if you'll excuse me, I have some projects to write.