Brilliant. Hilarious. And right on, Josh. And Steve. And Harlan.

Oh, frabjous joy, that was goddamn beautiful.

This is starting to get weird.

"Starting"?

They're both douchebags. Glad they're friends. Saves everyone else from them.

I love you. I love both of you. I goddamn love this. I want this as a ringtone. This is as perfect as it gets.

I love you. I love both of you. I goddamn love this. I want this as a ringtone. This is as perfect as it gets.

This is as perfect as it gets, gang. Harlan's a shoo-in for a Grammy on this one.

Samantha is such a nice name.

So what Steve Jarrett get paid for this? HE talks a lot about paying the writer but does he do it himself?

there is no "play button" in internet explorer, it gives error on page

Sheesh, what a pair of dorks. An embarrassment to the craft.

LOL! Thanks for the grin you guys!

I read the first draft of the poem and thought hummmmm this would make a good book i burned there copy and wrote the cat in the hat. after i found out that the cat in the hat had already been written 20 some years before. I realized that these people should get there poem back. I disided to sell it to them at a low price of $1,000,000 but then i figured it was better just to burn the abomination instead. These people are clearly one of the most stupied but yet talented people i have ever bothered to steal work from. these guys get my highest review yet 5 out of 9000.

Jeesus. What a great time to be alive! How lucky we bipeds are! Mark yer calendars, kids. Remember where you were when you first heard this! Love love love it. xxoo m

Very funny. What a reading! Now I want to hear Harlan Ellison recite John Cooper Clarke's "Chickentown."

I won't check out your fucking demo
I won't give notes, or write a memo
I know you think your song's a hit
But I won't listen. I don't give a shit.

Robert Kraft, De La Soul already wrote that song.

This is wonderful. The meter sounds like Theodore Geisel and the reading sounds like Brother Theodore (Gottlieb)!

this is too much fun!

Loved it, once I was able to play it.

And "expearament 1337?" Nothing gladdens the heart of the thinking person more than having one's intelligence dissed by someone who calls us "stupied." It is the ego's equivalent of being attacked with money. Your disrespect is no doubt as much an upper as being kneaded by a much-beloved cat.

Oh, my gawd.

Wearenotworthy
Wearenotworthy
Wearenotworthy!

When did Fantagraphic fanboys start posting with female names??

An adept adaptation of Geiselphonics!

No-one wants their fucking scripts either. Ellison stopped selling them decades ago. Olson's just get politely declined. Probably not as politely from now on.

Just one thought: Bravo!

A pitch-perfect reduction of the infantile state of Hollywood and its refusal to improve itself by becoming even vaguely literate. Bravo.

Hilarious. Harlan Ellison is right up there with Robert McKee on my "all-time favorite curmudgeonly writers" list.

It's also great to hear Harlan pronounce the great Theodore Geisel's pseudonym correctly.

Dr. Soyce, not Dr. Soose!

Karch--

Ellison did just fine for a long time. He's 75 years old. He has his big house on the hill and a literary legacy. May we all have Ellison's career problems.

As for Olson, every producer in Hollywood is calling him to thank him and to ask him to come in and pitch on their projects.

M --

Ellison has a legacy, but no-one is reading his scripts, or bringing theirs to him.

As for Olson getting called by every producer in Hollywood, pull the other one, fanboy. He's already done, he just don't know it yet. Or maybe he kinda does...

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0647939/

I wish I was cool enuf to understand what I read in the Voice. Unfortunately, I'm not. But I do get a thrill from reading the word "fuck."

Pretty funny, Brian. When one of those "in production" movies actually gets made, be sure to post us on it. BTW, Olson is already off the OZ project...they didn't like his fucking script:

http://www.empireonline.com/news/feed.asp?NID=25752

Loved the essay and its versification herein, but the reading's too one-note for me. And finally, a really minor tsk-tsk, but significant for folks who claim superior writing skills: "denouement" is misspelled.

I will not read your fucking book,
I will not even have a look,
Won't give new writer's a helping hand up,
If they're down don't try to stand up,
writer's markets ever shrinking,
"lock 'em out" is what you're thinking,
Had I a script I'm trying to sell,
You're advice is go to hell,
A confederacy of dunces you represent,
but your first breaks were heaven sent.
So I will not read your fucking book,
I will not even have a look.

I was entertained. I learned how to say something correctly. I got to hear a master storyteller read something. I got to read entertaining comments, some of which affirm why this kind of a 'no' has to be employed. What a nice way to spend a few minutes. Thanks to all involved in this. Wheee!

I don't know what the point of all this is. If you don't want to read someone's script, tell them you're too busy. That's what the rest of the world does when someone asks for an inconvenient favor.

This is more about Olson (and Ellison) than it is about amateurs looking for script readers.

"Soy-ss"? Only if it's the Anglicized or print adjusted umlauted "u" which it is not since the "e" is before the "u" not after. It'd be pronounced that way it it were Suess, but it's not. It's Euchre, Eucharist and Seuss.

Both Josh and Harlan have read me. We're good that way.

This is funny.

Olsen tried funny but came across as an asshole. He'd apologize if he had any balls, but instead he's getting all his writing pals to rewrite him as funny.

this Boy and His Dog love Harlan
and his two big Glass Teats
(and big brass balls).

>>>It's Euchre, Eucharist and Seuss.

So now it's Syouse?!!?

Bravo, Harlan and Josh!

Remember W.C.Fields character in The Bank Dick :
"Egbert Souse" [pronounced 'soo-ZAY',
but pointing toward a synonym for a 'drunk']

I loved the reading (Samantha, rest assured Jarrett is being taken care of). Loved the writing. And loved the source material.

That said: It makes me all giggly inside to see the idiots taking umbrage and getting snippy.

No career of your own, take potshots at people who've made it? (Ellison has no career. Um, yeah. Getoveryerself.)

What the snippy people miss is that they come across as every bit the jackhole that they accuse Olson and Ellison of being. Only worse, really, because O&E admit it.

And yeah, I'm being a dick about it.

> because O&E admit it.

They most certainly have not.

Seussification fail.

Wasn't the whole point of Green Eggs and Ham that he actually did like green eggs and ham? Wasn't the moral of the story to try new things and be open to new ideas and possibilities? Didn't the unnamed protagonist thank Sam-I-Am for his persistence?

Your poem is missing the most crucial part of the spirit of Seuss; highly ironic in both context and execution, if you ask me. I would suggest a revision.

Bravo. Give the man a Hydrox cookie.

Wait, are you saying you WILL read my fucking script? Just FYI, there is no actual "fucking" or fornication of any sort in my script. Honestly. It's a simple tale about a dog and cat who somehow learn to overcome their differences and get along. There's also a car chase, tacked on for the

Wait, are you saying you WILL read my fucking script? Just FYI, there is no actual "fucking" or fornication of any sort in my script. Honestly. It's a simple tale about a dog and cat who somehow learn to overcome their differences and get along. There's also a car chase, tacked on for the

I'd heard Josh Olsen has a huge fucking ego. Guess the rumors are true.

Sorry. I meant to say "cock."

Right on.

I think this would make a GREAT fucking movie. let me know when you have the synopsis ready. I'll put my people with your people.

Jesus, did I *really* mean to say that? I gotta stop these all night benders...

Harlan: My Hero.

I would not have you fucking read my script

I would not have you fucking read my script
==
I would not have you fucking read my script
I would not have you read it for a fee
I would not have you read it just for free
I would not have you read it out of guilt
I would not have you read it on some stilts
I would not have you read it on a whim
I would not have you read it in the gym
I'd rather you tore it into small bits
Than have you fucking read my precious script

I would not have you fucking read my script
I would not have you read its opening
I would not have you read its final scene
I would not have you read the naughty parts
I would not have you read the parts with heart
I'll leave unspoke the part with all the tits
I would not have you fucking read my script

I would not have you fucking read my script
I wouldn't have you think about its plot
I wouldn't have you criticize its shots
I wouldn't have you discuss mise en scene
I wouldn't have you discuss anything
I wouldn't have you analyze its arcs
I wouldn't have you fix the lousy parts
I wouldn't have you try to be honest
I wouldn't have you see me as a pest
Its pages will remain securely clipped
I would not have you fucking read my script

I would not have you fucking read my script
I would not have you read it while reclined
I would not have you read it in a line
I would not have you read it on the can
I would not have you read it in a van
I would not have you read it late at night
I would not have you read it in daylight
I'd rather sail upon a sinking ship
I would not have you fucking read my script

I don't know how bad your script is, but you won't have any problem getting people not to read your next poem. You completely missed the meter. That was really horrible.

I guess Josh will not be eating that script with Green Eggs & Ham.The guy is a Knucklehead. Hope he never sees a good script again.

well written, poorly performed.

well written. too bad it was performed as though it were written in ALL CAPS.

I'd like to hear this read by William Shatner.

Yeah, way to give back. Be nice to people on the way up cause you'll need them on teh way down.

Hey, Mister Poesy Critic AKA "DickWeed"

It's called "iambic pentameter", used purposefully in a bad manner to mock the meter of the original.

Not to mention that your issue seems to be that you think the piece to be an attack on the concept of not reading my fucking script.

It's not, DickWeed. It's a parody of the tiny dicks that whine that the Big dicks will not read their fucking scripts.

It's hard to believe you missed the point, but hey, stupid is.

Ohhhh my cheeks hurt! Mr. Ellison has made me cringe, quiver and cost me nights of sleep with his work - and those are all good things, given what the story was about - but it's the first time sir, if you're reading, that you've threatened my bowel control because I'm laughing so much. Thank you for a superb, spirited performance! And all honour to Messieurs Jarrett and Olson as well.

The original isn't in iambic pentameter. It's Suessian, a meter the original captures perfectly.

I don't care what your poem's about. It's just bad.

And then Harlan grabbed a woman's boob to show how much class he really has. The end.

DickWeed Poesy Critic tries again.

Stupid is.

Well "DOH!' Homer, the original is not iambic pentameter, but instead the sort of free verse a la SEUSS, NOT "Suessian" you inept adaptation of a literate human being. All of which is to say, "Yes, DickWeed, I knew that and did not in any wise indicate to anyone with the IQ of a planarian or greater that I thought otherwise."

I did not say, nor did I think, it waqs anything other than "Seussian", nor that it was iambic. Are we clear on that DickWeed? Density is.

All of which is to say, the "poem" is indeed ineptly done and in Iambic to boot the BETTER to Mmock the pretetentions mook of the assumed little dick whiner whose presumed thoughts about the ORIGINAL" Jarret "poem" it presents.

In other words, DickWeed, you still miss the point, and thus prove again, in spades, that you are what you is:

A little dick.

"All of which is to say, the "poem" is indeed ineptly done and in Iambic to boot the BETTER to Mmock the pretetentions mook of the assumed little dick whiner whose presumed thoughts about the ORIGINAL" Jarret "poem" it presents."

This guy's prose is even more tortured than his verse.

All I can say is this

Mr Ellison and Mr Olsen both did a great job.

To tweak with a really well known saying...

Those who can't teach, sit around and critize those who can do better than themselves.

still lame. my rebuttal stands:

http://www.halfcute.com/2009/09/i-will-not-read-your-f-ing-script-why.html

That was awesome!

I continue to marvel at the number of people who confuse Olson's justified rant at rude people who want something for nothing with some sort of assault on all aspiring writers. Even more amusing are the idiots think Olson must be a hypocrite, because the only way they can conceive of getting read by a professional is to put them on the spot.

One thing is obvious - if this article pissed you off, it's because you know you've been guilty of the kind of obnoxious behavior his essay is decrying.

Folks This is why we have the internet!
Brillant poem read by the greatest F***king
Author of the 20th Century!

After all that, Josh is one of the sweetest, most accessible "personalities" you could ever meet.

He'll never convince me he can appreciate the nuances of a Spanish-language film (with subtitles) if he's not fluent in that language.

Cheers, BC!

Oh, what a delight! Thank you!

angles and disentangle don't rhyme.

If you can't rhyme, don't write a fucking poem and expect me to read it.

I don't want to read your stupid fucking poem if you can't be bothered to make it RHYME!

And the meter is off. This thing is a piece of shit. I hope whoever wrote it can feed themselves writing dumbass comic book adaptations, because they sure as fuck can't write a poem.

And Harlan Ellison. Brilliant writer. Been whining since "The City on the Edge of Forever." We know, Harlan... we know... they butchered your script and turned it into... the best episode of Star Trek ever... we know. Which justifies such venomous anger at writers who likely were inspired by him... how sad. Perhaps he would have preferred 40 years of digging ditches... inspiring not a soul to ask, "How can I master the shovel as you have, Mr. Ellison?"

Or perhaps he thinks that he shits rosebuds and that his successes and comforts are not a priviledge afforded him by the very people he shits upon by spitting this tripe?

Or perhaps he's still stuck in that city on the edge of forever, trying to understand another man's characters... still trying to understand that, while Kirk might fuck anything with a pulse, he would never give up his ship and crew for a woman. Ever. Not even Edith Keeler. Even the Double Ds of Harlan's ego fail.

Or perhaps Harlan and Josh should recall that Sam I Am was victorious in the end and that his grouchy friend did partake... and enjoy!

Wow,this is allsoo cool an true sad and glue.ESP if it sticks to you or closely sticky too Do you think the cat in the hat could of got hit on the head? an with sam iam DRseus's an all its a hard bump to hide even rougher to ride If once you could write BUT at least you can read as young cat its e eaiser as old cat know it kneads to be pound'ed

Great piece of code