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​April Fools' is just darn frustrating. As a studier of the Internet, you have to be constantly on guard. With every word you read and link you click on you must think, "could this really ridiculous story be real? Or is it a product of someone's imagination?" So, as the most annoying holiday of the year -- especially for the gullible -- draws to a close, we present you a compilation of some of the notable April Fools' gags we saw on the Web today. Some are funny, some are confusing and some are clunkers. We invite you to guffaw or scoff for yourself. Enjoy.

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​Interesting column from Maureen Dowd this weekend, about Barack Obama. It starts off "He was born this way. Bi." Are you shuddering in anticipation yet, thinking that she will make some kind of awful biracial joke? Thankfully, she doesn't, although she had me on the edge of my seat waiting for it throughout. The content of this particular column isn't crazy -- there's some boilerplate "Obama flip-flops!" stuff and then some valid points about his refusal to truly back gay marriage -- but there are a few awfully cringeworthy turns of phrase. "On Wall Street, he assails fat cats, but at cocktail parties, he wants to collect some of their fat for his campaign." I see what you did there, but the image is gross and perhaps violent, no? Removing their fat from their bodies? "On some of the most important issues facing this nation, it is time for the president to come out of the closet." Maureen Dowd, everyone. She'll be here all week.

[rgray@villagevoice.com] [@_rosiegray]

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​Go to Google and search for "Helvetica," the respectable font. The joke is that the results come up in "Comic Sans," a less respectable font. Get it? This day sucks.

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​Today is the day: the first issue of the new Newsweek is for sale, redesigned under editor-in-chief Tina Brown, whose website The Daily Beast paired off with the struggling weekly magazine after billionaire Sidney Harman bought it for $1. The issue has Hillary Clinton on the cover, just like Brown's first issue of Talk, which failed sometime after its legendary launch party. But no one wants to talk too much about what's inside new Newsweek because, as we guessed, the hype was more fun than the actual magazine. "Jokes about the waiting room at a doctor's office aside, when was the last time anyone cared about Newsweek in a serious, watch-their-every-move way?" we wondered last week ahead of the re-launch. It turns out that our frame of reference was wrong, but not totally off: the conversation surrounding Newsweek is all about the dentist's office, not the doctor's. Even before Tina Brown! Observe, in what is quite literally Press Clips, our daily media column.

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​The New York State Commission on Judicial Conduct, where judges go to be judged, is under fire from the State Bar Association. The New York Times reports that a Manhattan lawyer's group accused the commission of being unfair to judges. Still, of the roughly 1,800 complaints made against New York judges last year, only one was removed by the commission. What offense contributed to this lone dismissal? Why, a penis joke, of course.

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​Let this be a lesson to you: If you pull down your pants, even in fun or during a very dramatic football game, even if you get laughs, there will be penance to pay. A volunteer assistant football coach at Boys and Girls High School in Brooklyn has lost his job over mooning opposing fans after his team lost.

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​People say that life is unpredictable; well, sometimes death is, too. But the most unpredictable thing of all has always been New York signage. This "For Sale, Used Tombstone" poster, discovered by a tipster at Bowery and 4th Street, features Jonathon Adams as the deceased -- a man who "believed in midnight swims," just like "sharks believe in midnight snacks." If we are to believe the poster, Adams was cremated and the tombstone owner no longer needs the handsome "vry good deal" of a stone, so if you have a use for it, by all means, call the number. We rang several times looking for more details, but couldn't get through; perhaps you'll have better luck. And if this sign is yours, contact us. We're intrigued (and sorry for your loss)!

​Fourth of July weekend is when Americans get all giddy about independence and democracy, right? Well, that's the case most years, at least until the beer-guzzling numbs the patriotism, but this year was different -- this year, American pride shared the weekend spotlight with the World Cup quarter-finals (Germany vs. Argentina), and Germany fan "Hitler" crashed the party at a Hell's Kitchen bar, creating early fireworks.

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No one was harmed in the making of these fingers. Because they are obviously fake.

​Okay, let's play One of These Things Does Not Belong.

As recently reported by the New York Post:

A Park Slope woman is suing Williams-Sonoma for $2 million, claiming one of the high-end homeware company's serving trays broke in her hand, slicing off the end of her left ring finger.

In her Brooklyn federal lawsuit, teacher Laurie Maher-Samra claims there were no warnings against heating the Deruta Simple Small Oval Platter, which she put in her oven to melt the cheese on her nachos.

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​Oh, Jesse James. We at the Voice are so over people dressing like Nazis. Here's a tip, JJ: If Prince Harry apologized for it in 2005, it's a trend that's jumped the shark. (Personally, I thought it was over in 1945, but then I've never been into the military look ... Grey-green? Not my color.) But honestly, going Nazi is so obvious. You're practically phoning it in!

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