Mitt Romney Condoms, 'for Anyone With an Elitist Penis,' Hit the Market

And now we present a form of birth control that will make people want to be abstinent. Forever.

Runnin' Scared introduces the Mitt Romney condom -- recently unveiled by the same New York company that first marketed Barack Obama rubbers in 2008 (h/t New York Post).

Say It With a Condom's "Never Settle" model, available for $4.95, is perfect for "anyone with an elitist penis" and "great for any position" (yuk yuk yuk), according to the website.

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Peeing Man Flees Police in Greenwich Village

First there was the East Village doorshitter, now the West Village has its very own excreting felon. The Daily News reports via video surveillance that the man -- described as a either black or Hispanic, 5 foot 8 inches and 20 to 25 years old -- was spotted undoing his belt and peeing or at least attempting to pee on a car parked on Christopher Street early Sunday morning. Plainclothes police officers caught him and tried to frisk him, but he fled, eluding capture. The Daily News has no indication as to whether his pants fell down as he did this, or if he fastened them before making a run for it. Updated with video after the jump. [via Gothamist]

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Semen in Water Bottle Leads to Strange Detective Work, Assault and Battery Conviction

Warning: this is gross and sexually charged. A Los Angeles man -- a seemingly pretty normal guy, really, with a wife and everything -- has been found guilty of ejaculating into a co-worker's water bottle. Michael Lallana, 32, was convicted of assault and battery, with jurors finding true "the allegation that he did it for sexual gratification," according to a local CBS affiliate. As we detailed originally, and horrifyingly, the unidentified victim was abused two different times, brushing it off the first time, but pursuing DNA testing and legal action the second time she tasted semen in her water. But the CBS report includes an odd detail not previously reported.

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Will the "Pee Your Pants for Freedom" Movement Take Hold?

Thumbnail image for tsa shirt.JPG
via The Daily What.
People on both sides of The Full Body Scan Situation currently being instituted at American airports are very upset! Some feel as if their privacy is being invaded. Others feel that those people are just whiners. And many are opting out of the arguably very intrusive scans, having to receive a full-body pat-down from the TSA instead. How can traveling Americans protest?

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Man Invents Dog-Poop-Powered Lantern, Because Someone Had To

Every now and again, a story appears that is just, in a word, a gem. A little nugget of beauty. A thing that makes the writerly heart sing. Today, we find that story in dog poop. Jay Lindsay, AP writer, hones in on an angle right off the bat -- dog poop has a bright side! And it only gets better from there.

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Semen-in-Water-Bottle Guy Just Your Everyday Average Joe

Lallana's mugshot, from the OC DA's office
Yesterday, one of our nightmares came true. We learned about the mortgage company employee arrested for "allegedly jerking off into a female co-worker's water bottle," which, not surprisingly, made her sick. This happened, apparently, not once but twice! Oh, yeah, and he's a graduate of USC, a (former) financial rep with the Northwestern Mutual Financial Network, and a dad and loving husband who enjoys spending free time with his family and friends. He even has a LinkedIn profile!

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Here's the Most Disgusting Wedding Video EVER

If you have a weak stomach or are super-or-a-little-bit squeamish about bodily functions, do not watch this. If you've just eaten or are about to eat lunch, do not watch this. If there are children or elderly people nearby, do not watch this. However, if you're dying to see what qualifies as the Most Disgusting Wedding Video Ever and think you can handle it, you will not be disappointed.

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V Magazine Publishes Sexy Body Issue, in Which You Scratch Off the "V" and See Adriana Lima's V (Sort Of)

Just when you thought it couldn't get hotter, V Magazine explodes the thermometer. In honor of their Sexy Body Issue -- which features Adriana Lima's post-pregnancy physique and hits newsstands tomorrow -- V is exposing 50 of the world's hottest bods photographed by the likes of Mario Testino, Willy Vanderperre, and Glen Luchford, among others. In order to truly honor these sexy creatures, V Magazine shows them off in their full glory. Four different covers bare the models entirely nude when you scratch off the "V" logo. But wait a second, pervs: There's a catch.

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Peeing a Lot at Night May Be a Sign of Your Impending Doom

Unfortunate news of the day, via the L.A. Times: If you pee a lot at night, you might die prematurely. And not because you're hitting your head on the toilet seat.

If you get up twice or more during the night to pee, you have nocturia -- the fancy name for peeing a lot -- a disease that 15.5% of men and 20.9% of women suffer from.

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Spit on a Bus Driver and You're Really Just Doing Him a Favor

Today the New York Post alerts us to a bizarre aspect of the MTA contract with the union. Due to the broad (we suppose) definition of "assault," bus drivers who suffer the indignity of being spat upon can take an average of two months off. Each spitting encounter leads to more allotted time off, which means a bus driver can totally work the system, presuming he has a similar-minded spit-counterpart and doesn't mind a little dampness about the face.

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