Mitt Romney Condoms, 'for Anyone With an Elitist Penis,' Hit the Market

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And now we present a form of birth control that will make people want to be abstinent. Forever.

Runnin' Scared introduces the Mitt Romney condom -- recently unveiled by the same New York company that first marketed Barack Obama rubbers in 2008 (h/t New York Post).

Say It With a Condom's "Never Settle" model, available for $4.95, is perfect for "anyone with an elitist penis" and "great for any position" (yuk yuk yuk), according to the website.

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Planned Parenthood NYC: Breast-Cancer Screenings Will Continue in the City

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The battle has finally been won against...breast-cancer screenings?

Yes, you read that right, and yes, it's OK to get really pissed off, ladies.

Amid sustained pressure from right-to-life groups (and the congressmen they support), Susan G. Komen for the Cure -- the nation's main breast-cancer nonprofit -- has pulled all of its breast-cancer-screening grants,$680,000, from 19 Planned Parenthood Federation of America offices nationwide. This means that thousands of American women might no longer have access to basic, life-saving diagnostics.

(But hey, if you're the kind of sicko who would consider this a political victory, you probably wouldn't think that far in advance about women's health.)

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Boobs Will Be Removed from the Meatpacking District

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A few of the offending boobs.
In the Meatpacking District, a place rife with boobs, the most innocent of those boobs will, come fall, no longer be available to ogle. Of course, more likely, drunk people were not ogling them but instead catching their stilettos in cobblestones and falling on them, because those boobs were simply stone street barriers in the various random pedestrian plazas, and you'd really have to squint your eyes (or be very, very drunk) to make anything more than a little bit booblike out of them. Especially when real boobs abound! (These street boobs look more like eyeballs to us, or perhaps a tasty profiterole dessert.) In any case, the offensive boob-or-eyeball-like-yummy-blobs will be removed, reports the Daily News, because this is internationally important news. This de-boobification, and the project to overhaul the area, will cost $500,000. Consider it a boob job. Har.

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Topless in Central Park: A New Yorker Puts the Law to the Test

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Inspired by the mysterious Topless Bowery Lady who recently set the Internet aflame, and the publicly acknowledged legality of being topless in the city, our pal Jamie Peck took it upon herself to take off her own shirt in the outside air recently and see what happened. At the beginning of her adventure, which she chronicled for The Gloss, she found that she was initially nervous -- Could she do this? What would happen? -- but went through with it anyway in the good fight against social conventions. She headed to Central Park on a Sunday afternoon, took off her shirt -- "it turned out to be like ripping off a band-aid; once I'd done it without anything bad happening, I relaxed," she writes.

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Dan Choi on Andrew Breitbart: "I Hear He's Asian From the Waist Down"

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This morning, Lt. Dan Choi emailed us that a supporter of his had written to him, "Andrew Breitbart told me you made a joke about him -- and his dick size, I guess. Honestly, this seems out of character for you. And it hurt Andrew's feelings because he really admires you, as well. Am I missing something?"

Choi responded that "I was asked on record by Esquire if Andrew Breitbart and I have anything in common, so I replied with a smile: 'I hear he's Asian from the waist down.'"


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Moscow Cops Find Suicide Bomber's Head in Airport Rubble

Cops in Moscow think they've found the head of the suicide bomber who blew up the city's busiest airport today, killing 35 people and wounding at least 168 others. As a Russia Today talking head puts it, it's "the head of a man wth an Arabic appearance." The mid-afternoon (Moscow time) attack "sprayed shrapnel, screws and ball bearings at passengers and workers," says the AP. Oh, boy, can't wait for the 2018 World Cup in Moscow.

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Skinny Bitches Get Paid the Most

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There is probably a point of diminishing payoff in this situation (a/k/a "anorexia"), but in general, the stats seem to indicate the disturbing fact that very thin women make the most bank, according to a recent blog post from the Wall Street Journal. And this is not just inhumanly skinny model types or actresses who go on to marry Harrison Ford, but people in our very midst, pissing us off and eating salad!

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Breaking: Men Hook Up With Women Based on Their Bodies, Not Their Faces...or Personalities

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Allow us to clear up one of the male-female relationship mysteries of all time, right here, right now. Apparently, men like boobs. And butts. A lot. To the detriment of, say, faces. Unless they're looking to get hitched! According to a recent study from the University of Texas at Austin, if men are on the hunt for a "short-term partner," they'll base their choice on the woman's body. But if they're looking for an honest-to-gosh wife, they'll take into consideration the woman's actual above-the-neck area.

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Hospital Sued $1 Million for Assault and Battery in "Accidental" Circumcision

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So a hospital in South Miami made an oopsy. Instead of leaving Vera Delgado's eight-day-old baby Mario intact and with-foreskin, they took the very moment that Mom went home to shower and change clothes to do the old snip-snip. Er, imagine her horror/surprise when she returned.


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Moobs, or Man-Boobs, Are the Scourge of Today's Man...But There Is Hope!

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Today, Metro New York tackles the hard questions. Whatever is a man with moobs to do? (Moobs, for the uninformed, are man-boobs.) Boldly, the editors of Metro devote the lion's share of their cover to the issue, promising that men ashamed of their moobs are not alone, and that moobs are "a problem that's easily fixed." Whew.


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