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When Hurricane Sandy hits New York this afternoon, you can expect three things: wind, rain, and a bunch of shit-faced New Yorkers.

New York City emergency officials advised residents over the weekend to stock up on things like water, flashlights, canned food, candles, and other items to help New Yorkers weather the impending hurricane that's expected to come crashing into the Big Apple about 4 p.m.

Not on the list was booze -- which, according to alcohol distributors in Queens, apparently is essential to surviving a hurricane.

Liquor and grocery stores in the city saw a spike in the sale of booze over the weekend as New Yorkers apparently plan to ride out the storm with a buzz.

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www.NSOPW.gov

Alleged rapist/convicted sex offender Jonathan Stewart

A convicted sex offender accused of violently raping a woman at Hudson River Park last month told police that he doesn't know if he raped the woman because he'd consumed five Four Lokos before the attack -- but that was only after drinking vodka and smoking weed and K-2, a brand of synthetic marijuana.

Four Loko is a booze-infused energy drink that has been banned in Washington state and at several universities following a plethora of cases of blackouts and alcohol poisoning credited to the drink. Four Loko, however, is not a recognized legal defense for rape.

Manhattan District Attorney Cy Vance announced yesterday that Jonathan Stewart has been formally indicted on charges of predatory sexual assault, rape in the first degree, criminal sexual act in the first degree, and sexual abuse in the first degree for the September 22 rape.

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Congressman Michael Grimm apparently attended a late-night pants-off dance-off at the Sea of Galilee last year.

Nearly three dozen GOP lawmakers are in a PR nightmare this a.m. after reports surfaced that -- after a night of drinking in Israel last year -- they took a boozy, late-night swim in the Sea of Galilee. We're compelled to inform you that a hometown boy is on the list.

Congressman Michael Grimm joined about 30 GOP congressman in the night of biblical debauchery -- and thank Jesus he apparently kept his clothes on (the same can not be said for other GOP representatives).

Kansas Congressman Kevin Yoder apparently led the charge into the holy sea, and was so moved by its biblical significance (read: potentially drunk) that he stripped naked before diving in.

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www.squidoo.com

Long Island (Sigh)

What's the only thing worse than a Long Islander? A drunk Long Islander -- and the only thing worse than that is a drunk Long Islander on a train, which is probably why Long Island Railroad officials are testing out how a ban on booze on late-night weekend trains would impact "rambunctious behavior."

"We think that [alcohol] continues to fuel some of the rambunctious behavior we've been getting, all the way up to criminal behavior. We're just trying to get a different tone on the trains that lessens these incidents," LIRR President Helena Williams said today.

The ban would be applied to trains that run between midnight and 5 a.m. on Friday and Saturday mornings. If you've never had the (gulp) pleasure of heading to the Guyland early in the morning on the weekend, we envy you -- it's nothing but spray-tanned dickweeds (with stupid accents) hopped up on Jager-bombs as far as the eye can see. And -- as you probably suspected -- they all want to fight.

Think we're kidding? Watch a few of the Youtube clips embedded below.

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Or is this drugs on YOUR BRAIN?

Well. This may explain some things. Not only are highly educated women more likely to booze it up, women with higher than average IQ scores ("average" is 100) are more likely to smoke weed, do coke, and take ecstasy once they're in their 30s, according to a study from Cardiff University. This is because women of that age, and those smarts, are "more open to new experiences" and therefore "more willing to experiment with illegal substances."

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Did you hear about the recent Weekend at Bernie's-esque incident in which a man drove around Denver with his deceased friend in the back of the car and also ran up a bar tab on his account? Actually, the living friend (and driver), Robert Young, would like you to know that it was nothing like Weekend at Bernie's, that really kind of awful concept for a movie. For one, Young thought his friend was drunk, not dead. For two, his friend owed him money and therefore he had fair use of the friend's credit card. For three, it was all for much shorter than the time span portrayed in the movie, and yet, longer than the actual time it would take to watch the movie. Therefore, it was nothing like the movie.

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Ukrainian tourist Iurii Chumak, 53, admitted in Brooklyn federal court that he purposely reached under a flight attendent's skirt and fondled her as she served coffee to passengers on a British Airways flight from London to New York. He apologized to the judge and claimed the incident was due to his blood sugar levels, making this quite possibly the first instance of low blood sugar being used in a court of law as an excuse for being a perv.

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Recently I was at a bar with a friend and, as slightly embarrassing as it is to admit, we ran up the tab to about $150 rather quickly! (Including food, though.) For normal people, that is more than you want to spend on a weeknight. But for the ballers partying at a place called "Tryst" in Las Vegas on May 5, it's chump change.

$190,000!

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The police shutdown of Lower East Side fixture Max Fish on allegations of illegal sale of alcohol has some collateral damage -- works by 50 artists from here and elsewhere are being held hostage inside the locked and shuttered establishment.

The bar, located on Ludlow Street, was formally closed by the NYPD and city inspectors a week ago Friday, and none of the participating artists can get their stuff back at least until the case is adjudicated. (The image at right comes courtesy of the Lower East Side blog, the Lo-Down.)

Update: The Lo Down is reporting that Max Fish will reopen today at 5:30

"It's kind of shocking," says Christian Gordy who contributed three of his whimsical illustrations to the show. "I went to pick up my stuff the next day, because I was supposed to deliver a piece to a buyer, and I couldn't get in, and now I'm completely fucked here."

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Oops! In things that are not good in a way that makes taxpayers angry, a Sanitation worker was arrested for drunk driving after smashing his garbage truck into a Hyundai Elantra on Bushwick Avenue at Grand Street, reports the Daily News. Sebastiano Tritto, a driver of 7 years, was given a Breathalyzer and failed. The driver and passenger of the car were taken to hospitals and are, luckily, in stable condition.

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