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Long Island (Sigh)

What's the only thing worse than a Long Islander? A drunk Long Islander -- and the only thing worse than that is a drunk Long Islander on a train, which is probably why Long Island Railroad officials are testing out how a ban on booze on late-night weekend trains would impact "rambunctious behavior."

"We think that [alcohol] continues to fuel some of the rambunctious behavior we've been getting, all the way up to criminal behavior. We're just trying to get a different tone on the trains that lessens these incidents," LIRR President Helena Williams said today.

The ban would be applied to trains that run between midnight and 5 a.m. on Friday and Saturday mornings. If you've never had the (gulp) pleasure of heading to the Guyland early in the morning on the weekend, we envy you -- it's nothing but spray-tanned dickweeds (with stupid accents) hopped up on Jager-bombs as far as the eye can see. And -- as you probably suspected -- they all want to fight.

Think we're kidding? Watch a few of the Youtube clips embedded below.

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Or is this drugs on YOUR BRAIN?

Well. This may explain some things. Not only are highly educated women more likely to booze it up, women with higher than average IQ scores ("average" is 100) are more likely to smoke weed, do coke, and take ecstasy once they're in their 30s, according to a study from Cardiff University. This is because women of that age, and those smarts, are "more open to new experiences" and therefore "more willing to experiment with illegal substances."

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Did you hear about the recent Weekend at Bernie's-esque incident in which a man drove around Denver with his deceased friend in the back of the car and also ran up a bar tab on his account? Actually, the living friend (and driver), Robert Young, would like you to know that it was nothing like Weekend at Bernie's, that really kind of awful concept for a movie. For one, Young thought his friend was drunk, not dead. For two, his friend owed him money and therefore he had fair use of the friend's credit card. For three, it was all for much shorter than the time span portrayed in the movie, and yet, longer than the actual time it would take to watch the movie. Therefore, it was nothing like the movie.

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Ukrainian tourist Iurii Chumak, 53, admitted in Brooklyn federal court that he purposely reached under a flight attendent's skirt and fondled her as she served coffee to passengers on a British Airways flight from London to New York. He apologized to the judge and claimed the incident was due to his blood sugar levels, making this quite possibly the first instance of low blood sugar being used in a court of law as an excuse for being a perv.

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Recently I was at a bar with a friend and, as slightly embarrassing as it is to admit, we ran up the tab to about $150 rather quickly! (Including food, though.) For normal people, that is more than you want to spend on a weeknight. But for the ballers partying at a place called "Tryst" in Las Vegas on May 5, it's chump change.

$190,000!

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The police shutdown of Lower East Side fixture Max Fish on allegations of illegal sale of alcohol has some collateral damage -- works by 50 artists from here and elsewhere are being held hostage inside the locked and shuttered establishment.

The bar, located on Ludlow Street, was formally closed by the NYPD and city inspectors a week ago Friday, and none of the participating artists can get their stuff back at least until the case is adjudicated. (The image at right comes courtesy of the Lower East Side blog, the Lo-Down.)

Update: The Lo Down is reporting that Max Fish will reopen today at 5:30

"It's kind of shocking," says Christian Gordy who contributed three of his whimsical illustrations to the show. "I went to pick up my stuff the next day, because I was supposed to deliver a piece to a buyer, and I couldn't get in, and now I'm completely fucked here."

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Oops! In things that are not good in a way that makes taxpayers angry, a Sanitation worker was arrested for drunk driving after smashing his garbage truck into a Hyundai Elantra on Bushwick Avenue at Grand Street, reports the Daily News. Sebastiano Tritto, a driver of 7 years, was given a Breathalyzer and failed. The driver and passenger of the car were taken to hospitals and are, luckily, in stable condition.

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​Here's a thing that makes sense: Dog the Bounty Hunter, of the eponymous TV show, bailed Nic Cage out of jail following his arrest in New Orleans this weekend. Dog posted the $11,000 bail on Saturday morning. He told E!, "I am a truly dedicated fan of Mr. Cage and will not be granting any interviews about my client as I wish to respect his privacy. I performed my duties as a bail bondsman and not in connection with our show. This is what I do for a living."

What happened that night, anyway?

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We're all for kicking back and relaxing with a bit of something boozy, and one of the greatest things about New York City is that you almost never really have to drive anywhere, whether you've been drinking or not. We're all grownups here, the very least we can do is take public transportation, or even a cab, if we're in the cups! Alas, this is not the case for certain partiers on the Lower East Side, which sports, in the 7th Precinct, the most drunk driving arrests out of any in New York City. Not exactly something to be proud of.

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This sort of has to be seen to believed. Thankfully, there's surveillance. Mahogany Morrow, 31, got really mad after the clerk of a Nyack liquor store either a) wouldn't let her use the restroom or b) she had to wait too long for service. (Drink time's a'wasting!) Her extremely wasteful tantrum caused $1,600 in damage. Upon leaving the store she reportedly asked her taxi driver to take her to another liquor store. No word on how that one fared. Morrow later turned herself in.

A baby trashing a bar, now, that's cute.